is-a-higher-power-necessary

Is a Higher Power Necessary?

If you don’t have a higher power or belief system, is it necessary to have one to help manage your chronic illness?

No. No, it is not necessary.

If you have a higher power and feel satisfied, then this post is not for you. This is for the small percentage that are either ambivalent about their beliefs or actively do not believe in anything. This post is for those who have to navigate the all-too-familiar field of well-intentioned family and friends who say, “I will pray for you,” or “if you believe in this higher power, you will be healed.”

These forms of unsolicited advice can raise feelings of misplaced shame, put us on the defensive, or create an awkward interaction. If you find that you navigate these scenarios with ease, then this post may not be for you.

Instead, this post is meant as comfort for those who may have recently de-converted or questioning, and emotions might be rawer.

If It Isn’t Broke…A Disclaimer

The summary of this post is this: if you live without a higher power and that works for you, then do not let yourself get distracted by others telling you that you need one. Only you know what works best for you, and if you find more comfort outside of organized belief, then embrace that comfort.

Once I de-converted, I found more peace in my life. But it took a long time to feel comfortable with that peace. There are still a lot of raw emotions I am working through, so sometimes hearing the language can cause me stress and shame. 

I’ve learned that I need to accept the words and intentions of others with grace, not resentment or shame while standing firm in my decision.

The Distraction of a Higher Power

Most of the time, when people have a higher power or organized belief system, it is a built-in source of comfort. If you need a distraction, guidance, or a focal point, your higher power can provide that. Because of this, often for others who have a higher power, they want to share the comfort and peace they get with you.

It works for them, so it will obviously work for you. I am fond of saying this on my blog as much as possible: what works for me may not work for you. The same goes for belief: your mileage may vary.

Additionally, when I hear people tell me that I need to place my concerns in the higher power I deconverted from, it can be painful to hear. It reminds me of the negative experiences I had and pushes me back into a dark place. It puts me into an awkward space of not knowing what to say or wanting to respond sharply. 

Getting told to turn to a higher power becomes emotionally and mentally distracting. When coping with a chronic illness, being unnecessarily put into a space of shame, even if the other person is well-intentioned, is unhelpful.

If you do not believe in anything or think differently, hearing someone proselytize is irritating because you aren’t coming from the same starting point. If you don’t believe in anything, those words can ring hollow and feel like a wasted exercise on their part. It distracts from the opportunity to have a different or more meaningful conversation with them.

Unfortunately, it’s Not About You

When others start telling you what you need in your life, it isn’t about your needs. It’s about them and what they need to do.

When I came to this realization, I found it easier to handle these interactions. When someone tells you they will intercede on your behalf to their higher power, or that you need to believe in that higher power, it’s giving them comfort. It brings them comfort; therefore, it will bring you comfort, so they want to share it. Or they feel powerless, and the idea of appealing to a higher power gives them a sense of helping you. 

Now, I just listen to what they have to say, say “thank you,” and try to shift the conversation to something else. I find it strangely comforting knowing that someone cares enough to share this with me. Today’s climate is rather hostile to outward expressions of faith, at least in my community, and it takes a lot of courage for the individual to put themselves out like that for me.

Consider a Greater Cause

I mentioned this at the beginning of the month, the idea of a greater cause. A greater cause is not a religious belief, but something outside of yourself that motivates you in life. It can be a form of activism, volunteering your time, or a professional or health goal.

Finding a purpose outside of yourself can provide you a similar distraction a higher power gives someone else. It can ground you, guide you, and provide fulfillment. When others ask you what you believe, you can redirect towards this cause if you are open to having that conversation.

It can give you the strength you need to handle the awkward conversations because you do have something equally important in your life.

Know that you possess the ability to decide what is best for you. Others generally come from a well-meaning place when they tell you about their higher power. When they do, know that it’s not necessarily for you, but to provide them comfort. Shift the focus of the conversation away from the topic as graciously as possible, and reframe it as them caring genuinely about you.

It won’t be easy every time, but it might make these interactions less awkward.


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Featured photo credit: Canva

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Civic Duty

For the month of November, I am taking each day to highlight some element in my life that I want to express my gratitude about. This could be something deeply personal or just a passing appreciation for something more superficial. 


Today, in the United States, is the mid-term elections. So I wanted to express how grateful I am to have the opportunity to vote.

I remember learning about voting through elementary school and about the suffrage movement at the beginning of the twentieth century. I grew up knowing that being able to vote was a right, but as a woman less than one hundred years away from the Nineteenth Amendment, it was also a privilege of sorts. My great-grandmothers would have gone part of their lives unable to vote whereas I knew that once I turned eighteen I could register.

As soon as I was able to, I registered to vote. Every time I moved I switched my registration. If I knew I wouldn’t make it to the polls for a particular election, I filed for an absentee ballot or moved heaven and earth to make it home. I can confidently say that I have not missed a single November or Primary election. I even try to go to the smaller ones for the local elections.

If I ever missed an opportunity to vote, I can count them on one hand.

Voting is extremely important to me. I recognize the sacrifice that the women underwent so many years ago to make sure I had that right to vote that I don’t want to ever waste that opportunity. I feel that I am able to honor these women by standing in line and waiting my turn to cast a ballot. By going to my polling station it’s an act of gratitude for all of those who went before me to make it possible.

I also recognize that my ability to vote and the fact that my vote counts, is a privilege. Not everyone has free and fair elections even in my own country. While there is a lot of vitriol out in the US political climate right now, our elections are still relatively free. Racially, I am part of two groups of people who have historically been disenfranchised, so each time I walk up to get my card I am nervous that I might run into some conflict with a poll worker.

My state is currently under national scrutiny for the disenfranchisement of some voters over the course the current mid-term elections, so getting out to vote was extremely important to Ash and me.

So important that with the exception of the 2016 elections (Jai was only one month old at the time), I make a point to bring Jai with me to vote. I want him to see that this is his right and if he wants to help bring about change, he needs to see how that happens. Right now he’s enjoying the sticker at the end, but when he gets older I want him to enjoy watching Mommy or Daddy pressing buttons on the screen and watching the card spit out after the vote is cast.

I will start explaining what each election is about, who is running in it, what they are running for, and explain why I am voting the way I am. I hope he’ll ask me plenty of questions along the way and more importantly, I hope it gets him excited to go out and vote as soon as he can at eighteen.

So while it may be a minor thing to be grateful for, I truly am glad that I have the opportunity to play such a small role in how my country is run. Sometimes it feels as though my voice isn’t heard or ignored, but I know that I did what I could regardless.

Do you enjoy voting? What’s your favorite part of the process? Share your thoughts and any fun stories in the comments below.


Like this post? Make sure to follow me on your favorite social media platform and show some love by sharing it. Links found below.

Featured photo credit: Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash


black cat cuddling baby

Breastfeeding Struggles

For today’s post, I featured a photo I took when Jai was 3 months and my favorite cat used Jai as a bed. This doesn’t make for an easy nursing session and while it’s fun to show off silly pictures of cats making nursing difficult, struggling with breastfeeding is no laughing matter.

I struggled at first and then it got better. And then I struggled again and that got better.

This was my personal experience, so what worked for Jai and myself may not work for everyone, nor will you have to deal with the same issues I did. Please take what is contained in this post as suggestions/anecdotal evidence and not as universal fact. Please speak with a professional if you have any major concerns regarding breastfeeding.

Something to Remember

Prior to giving birth, I attended a breastfeeding class, took a bunch of notes because it is hard to shut the academic off most of the time, and requested a lactation consultant (LC) once I was in the recovery room. One thing that was never mentioned in the class or in the hospital, and this may be a failing on my birthing hospital’s part, was that there are two people in the process of breastfeeding.

It was only Jai and me.

I had the intellectual or logical knowledge of what to do and he had the instinctual knowledge. Unfortunately, I brushed aside instinct in favor of logic so I asserted what I thought was best on Jai. This is to say that when the LC came into the room, she shoved my breast into Jai’s mouth and snipped at me to listen for a swallow while holding his head to the breast. I tried to copy her aggressive manner of shoving the nipple into Jai’s mouth and keeping his head close so he wouldn’t move and prayed I would hear that swallow to indicate a latch.

Needless to say,  this manner of feeding was ineffective and did not work.

Both he and I got frustrated. I was frustrated because I wasn’t feeding my child and he was frustrated because he was hungry. I began to stress about my milk not coming in, that he’d be underweight and they wouldn’t release us from the hospital, the nurses were already getting judgemental over each box of newborn formula they brought in, and my hormones were working in overdrive.

I don’t remember crying, but I do remember feeling like a failure as a mother.

But the moment I shut out the intellectual learning and trusted my son to know what to do, he latched and within days my milk eventually came in strong. We were on our way to breastfeeding.

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Talking to others about MS

There comes a time to reveal a difficult diagnosis to those outside the immediate family.

This can be a stressful or liberating experience. Friends may have suspected all along or been completely surprised by the information shared with them.

Revealing your diagnosis is an intimate act because you are sharing something personal with a friend in the hopes they will be supportive.

Because we cannot control others’ reactions after such a revelation, waiting until you are ready to talk is extremely important for your emotional health.

When to Say Something

First of all: you do not owe an explanation for your health. If you choose to divulge your diagnosis, that is a decision only you can make. Do not let anyone else force the matter from you.

If someone is visibly unwell and been so for a while, it may be harder to keep diagnostic information from others, particularly if treatment starts. It may be a relief in telling others because there is finally some information to share, but don’t be surprised if holding onto that information a little longer is more important.

While there might be a temptation to tell people immediately after the diagnosis, waiting until the information is processed is best. It allows for better preparation both with reactions and questions. Knowing which friends can handle the information with care and sensitivity helps in deciding who gets what information first.

But there may be some friends, despite waiting until you are ready, that may scale back the friendship because they don’t know how to handle your diagnosis. This hurts, but being ready for it will help mitigate the pain versus being blindsided. I made this mistake a few times and each time I wish I had waited to reveal my diagnosis or not bothered at all.

Only you will know the right time to divulge information, there isn’t a magic number or “best by” date to tell others.

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The First Couple Days…Weeks…Months…


This is a conversation I wish someone gave me when I first received my diagnosis. While it is tailored specifically to MS, I hope some of the thoughts are universal enough for any difficult medical diagnosis.

CW: Discussion of suicide, self-harm, and depression within this post. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, please contact Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you are in crisis, text CrisisTextLine to connect with a crisis counselor. You are not alone.


After I got my MS diagnosis I went through a period of shock and relief. I was shocked that it was MS but relieved to finally have an answer. Ultimately, the shock overpowered the feelings of relief and I found that my emotions spiraled out of control.

I don’t remember the first couple days, I think I was numb from trying to process the information: it was like finding out a loved one had died. Every couple of minutes I’d get distracted enough to forget, but as soon as I turned my mind to it, my heart sank and it felt devastatingly fresh again.

The numbness I felt was me unable and unwilling to process the news. 

I was aware of MS since High School because my art teacher had it. I remember my mom telling me about MS, explaining why my teacher may seem fatigued or snappy towards the end of an afternoon class. I also remember sitting in the art room, watching my teacher gush about Cezanne and thinking two things to myself: one, “Oh god, I hope I never get MS;” and two, “it would be the end of my life if I ever got it.”

I was wrong on both thoughts. I may have MS, but my life isn’t over.

So You Have MS

Welcome to Club MS where no one wants membership. 

Right now you’re searching online for meaning and information. There is a lot of information out there and I understand that this post is going to add to the noise. I wrote a simplified post about MS, but I recommend checking out the NMSS for thorough information on the disease if you want specific medical details about MS.

I am not going to offer advice on how to cope with the news of the diagnosis, but provide insight into what I went through to normalize your experience to a certain extent. While working through a diagnosis is unique to each individual, there are certain aspects to the process that is universal. You are not alone in this journey.

There’s a good chance you will go through a range of emotions like I did. Hopefully, relief will be one of them because there is a sense of calm with finally having an answer to what is going on with your body. It makes what is intangible – tangible. What was presumed to be just in your head is now externally acknowledged by a medical professional.

These feelings of relief probably won’t comfort you past the first 48 hours or so. But it is something to keep in the back of your mind for later as you move through your coping process.

The next set of emotions may be frustration and betrayal.

I was frustrated that my body was attacking itself but equally betrayed by it. Here I was, at the end of my 20’s looking at a lifetime of disease; where Ash would have to take care of me if I progressed past a certain point; and I would be a physical, mental, and emotional drain to all of my loved ones.

As a younger person, the idea of having a disease or getting sick was something that happened to other people. I took what was presumed perfect health for granted. I remember thinking to myself: I lived my life relatively well, I was a good person, I did what I was supposed to, why is my body punishing me? What wrongs was I atoning for? This does not happen to good people.

I sank into a deep depression. I was completely lost about what I was facing, how I would face it, and how I would get through it. I felt completely selfish because I could only think about myself. I couldn’t and didn’t want to think about anyone else.

I went to a very dark place and stayed there for several months. There were moments where I was suicidal over the whole situation. If I killed myself, I would regain control of an out-of-control situation. More importantly, I would be able to remove myself from Ash’s life and no longer be a burden to him. The sooner I did it, the sooner he could move on and find a healthier partner.

I never acted on it, never made any serious plans. Instead, I pushed it down the road: if I start to be a burden for my loved ones – then I would do something about it.

I am not saying, nor am I recommending entertaining these thoughts, but by pushing the desire back it helped give me the clarity to healthfully resolve my thoughts on the matter and get to a point where suicide was no longer a viable option at any point in time.

It was around this point that I realized I was going through a form of grieving after getting the diagnosis. Grieving a medical diagnosis for yourself is, in fact, normal. It helped contextualize what I felt in the months after my diagnosis. It also helped me move through the stages more effectively because I now knew what I was experiencing was normal.

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