Food & Recipes

For the Love of Dark Chocolate

When we first met, Ash told me how much he loved dark chocolate.

Me: Dark Chocolate? Really?
Ash: Yeah. It’s great. It’s delicious.
M: It’s gross. Ugh. So bitter. How can you like the stuff?
A: Well, I don’t like all dark chocolate. I like specifically 82% dark chocolate. My friend from college – his dad was a Swiss chocolatier and introduced me to that percentage. It’s not too bitter, not too sweet, but it’s the perfect balance of the two for me.

I tried it and rejected it for my milk chocolate love because it was too bitter to get around the flavor. Yet, when I quit sugar it meant I had to quit chocolate. This was devastating because chocolate is delicious and I am addicted to that endorphin release.

I was able to last a month without chocolate at first and focused on fruits as a means to satisfy my sweet tooth. But soon I started craving chocolate again. I looked around and found that there are several options available for those trying to get a chocolate fix without added cane sugar. (These are not sponsored links, but I do recommend them)

Ash saw me unwrapping a candy bar one day and wanted to know what I was eating:

A:What’s that?
Me: Chocolate. Why?
A: Can I see the wrapper?
M: Yes… (I hand him the wrapper)
A: You know this is dark chocolate right? You always said you hated the stuff.
M: (My mouth full)…so?
A: I TOLD you it was delicious.

He caught me. I found that by dropping sugar I was more receptive (desperate?) to dark chocolate. It was a good thing doing so because I was starting to get the actual health benefits from eating dark chocolate that’s on the news.

Continue reading “For the Love of Dark Chocolate”

Parenting

Being Okay with “Normal”

Content Warning: some discussion of depression and negative self-talk. If you are depressed or know someone who is depressed and in need of help, please look at the resources available through the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. You can find support groups, therapists, and treatment options here. You are not alone.


Before figuring out how to make adaptations to my parenting, I had to learn to be okay with my new normal. Parenting with MS requires a few extra steps but with some adaptability, it’s hard to notice that there’s a difference.

It’s frustrating that I can’t be the parent I want to be, but I have to be at peace with myself. No amount of changes can stand up to feeling discouraged about my situation. Discouragement is normal and should be honored when it occurs, but how I cope with that discouragement matters.

This isn’t meant to be taken as advice or “what should be done,” but an insight into how someone deals with their MS and what works for them. If you are a parent with MS or newly diagnosed, remember to be gentle with yourself and don’t compare yourself to others. You are doing the best you can and that’s the most important thing.

A Fight for Control

Recognizing that I have no control over my fatigue and mental fog is the first step I’ve had to take to accept my limitations. I find workarounds with my fatigue (more on that in Friday’s post) and mental fog, so I am not giving into the lack of control. I am accepting that I cannot control it and there’s a huge difference between the two.

Hi, my name is Deborah and I am a control freak.

I’ve admitted this several times on the blog. I like to be in control of every aspect of my life: from relationships to professional projects, I try and control everything so it can be what I perceive to be as perfect.

Psychology does not support this attitude: maintaining strict control over everything is the quickest way to be extremely stressed out and unhappy. It may cause everything to spin more out of control if I try too hard.

As the linked article points out: “Wanting control leads to anger; this emotional response increases when control is impeded.” The more I try to control my situation, the more frustrated I get and exacerbate the situation.

How do I try to control my MS?

There is a level of regression that occurs in my grieving process: I go into denial and try to forget that I have MS. I will push myself physically and mentally and completely ignore my body’s warning signs.

Looking at Spoon Theory: if I use up all of my reserves (and then some) I have the potential of not being able to do anything for the rest of the day and possibly the next day. This happens more than I care to admit because I just want to get everything done on my “to do” list.

That’s why working on my priorities every morning is so important.

Emotionally, I try to control my MS by being hard on myself. I will berate myself if I wasn’t able to do a particular task to my liking or if I don’t get a post/email/social media interaction out in a reasonable amount of time. I find that I will sink into a slight depression when I focus too much on what I can’t do for myself and my family.

MS cannot be controlled. Its very nature does not allow for control.

Most of my frustration stems from a belief that if someone else can handle multiple projects at one time, why do I struggle to do a single task? I am constantly comparing my abilities to others and wishing I measured up.

Continue reading “Being Okay with “Normal””

Parenting

Parenting with Multiple Sclerosis

Back in February, I did a post about Parenting with a Disability. This was about disability in general, not MS specific. Today, I will be revisiting this post and expand on some of its ideas while focusing on my personal experience of parenting with MS.

This isn’t meant to be taken as advice or “what should be done,” but an insight into how someone deals with their MS and what works for them. If you are a parent with MS or newly diagnosed, remember to be gentle with yourself and don’t compare yourself to others. You are doing the best you can and what works for you and that’s the most important thing.

Parenting through the Fog

Two of the biggest issues I face with my MS is fatigue and mental fog.

Every day I wake up feeling like I did not get a full night’s sleep, even if I did. The best way to describe it: I feel like I am walking around in a thick, goopy mud that makes me work extra hard to get through each step. The idea of going up and down the stairs to grab one item is extremely overwhelming on my worse days.

Says the person who gets up 3 days a week to run a couple of miles and just completed a half marathon yesterday.

But that is the issue with MS.

There are days when I have enough energy to do something strenuous and then incapable of doing anything for the rest of the day. Then there are other days where I do practically nothing and its still near impossible to get through the day without crawling back into bed.

And still, other days where I do something strenuous and I am able to do anything and everything all day with little-to-no consequences.

I find the inconsistency extremely frustrating. I am a person who loves to know what to expect and when to expect it. MS forces me to be patient with myself and I don’t like that.

Additionally, I struggle to remember things. The mental fog is infuriating because I can be looking at an object and pointing at it and be completely incapable of getting my mind to recall the object’s name. When I have these moments, I have to slow myself down and try to do what I can to work through the recall in a slower manner.

I know this day is coming and I am trying to prepare myself for when it happens, but Jai is going to mimic my ritual for recall and it’s going to break my heart when it happens. I can’t fault him because he will be doing it from a place of love and innocence, but it’s going to hurt to see a reflection of what I have to do to recall something through the mental fog.

Limitations in Parenting

It is very clear that I have some limitations with my parenting. There are days where I struggle to keep up with Jai and Ash has to help me out or I have a slower day where we sit in and I watch Jai as he plays a game by himself.

I really wish I could be more interactive in my time with him all the time, but I cannot. I wish I could remember certain things that Jai does, but I cannot. I feel like I am working with a severe handicap (and to a certain extent, I am). Some days I feel like if I will it hard enough I can shake myself into normalcy. I am just not trying hard enough to be more normal.

But that’s not how that works. Which is infuriating for a perfectionist like me.

I recognize these limitations and I try to do what I can with them. Wednesday will talk about learning to be at peace with my imperfections and Friday will be about how I’ve had to adapt my parenting after making peace with myself.

What sort of limitations have you found MS has brought to your parenting? Comment with your experiences below.


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Lifestyle & Blogging

The First Couple Days…Weeks…Months…


This is a conversation I wish someone gave me when I first received my diagnosis. While it is tailored specifically to MS, I hope some of the thoughts are universal enough for any difficult medical diagnosis.

CW: Discussion of suicide, self-harm, and depression within this post. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, please contact Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you are in crisis, text CrisisTextLine to connect with a crisis counselor. You are not alone.


After I got my MS diagnosis I went through a period of shock and relief. I was shocked that it was MS but relieved to finally have an answer. Ultimately, the shock overpowered the feelings of relief and I found that my emotions spiraled out of control.

I don’t remember the first couple days, I think I was numb from trying to process the information: it was like finding out a loved one had died. Every couple of minutes I’d get distracted enough to forget, but as soon as I turned my mind to it, my heart sank and it felt devastatingly fresh again.

The numbness I felt was me unable and unwilling to process the news. 

I was aware of MS since High School because my art teacher had it. I remember my mom telling me about MS, explaining why my teacher may seem fatigued or snappy towards the end of an afternoon class. I also remember sitting in the art room, watching my teacher gush about Cezanne and thinking two things to myself: one, “Oh god, I hope I never get MS;” and two, “it would be the end of my life if I ever got it.”

I was wrong on both thoughts. I may have MS, but my life isn’t over.

So You Have MS

Welcome to Club MS where no one wants membership. 

Right now you’re searching online for meaning and information. There is a lot of information out there and I understand that this post is going to add to the noise. I wrote a simplified post about MS, but I recommend checking out the NMSS for thorough information on the disease if you want specific medical details about MS.

I am not going to offer advice on how to cope with the news of the diagnosis, but provide insight to what I went through to normalize your experience to a certain extent. While working through a diagnosis is unique to each individual, there are certain aspects to the process that are universal. You are not alone in this journey.

There’s a good chance you will go through a range of emotions like I did. Hopefully, relief will be one of them because there is a sense of calm of finally having an answer to what is going on with your body. It makes what is intangible – tangible. What was presumed to be just in your head is now externally acknowledged by a medical professional.

These feelings of relief probably won’t comfort you past the first 48 hours or so. But it is something to keep in the back of your mind for later as you move through your coping process.

The next set of emotions may be frustration and betrayal.

I was frustrated that my body was attacking itself but equally betrayed by it. Here I was, at the end of my 20’s looking at a lifetime of disease; where Ash would have to take care of me if I progressed past a certain point; and I would be a physical, mental, and emotional drain to all of my loved ones.

As a younger person, the idea of having a disease or getting sick was something that happened to other people. I took what was presumed perfect health for granted. I remember thinking to myself: I lived my life relatively well, I was a good person, I did what I was supposed to, why is my body punishing me? What wrongs was I atoning for? This does not happen to good people.

I sank into a deep depression. I was completely lost about what I was facing, how I would face it, and how I would get through it. I felt completely selfish because I could only think about myself. I couldn’t and didn’t want to think about anyone else.

I went to a very dark place and stayed there for several months. There were moments where I was suicidal over the whole situation. If I killed myself, I would regain control of an out-of-control situation. More importantly, I would be able to remove myself from Ash’s life and no longer be a burden to him. The sooner I did it, the sooner he could move on and find a healthier partner.

I never acted on it, never made any serious plans. Instead, I pushed it down the road: if I start to be a burden for my loved ones – then I would do something about it.

I am not saying, nor am I recommending entertaining these thoughts, but by pushing the desire back it helped give me the clarity to healthfully resolve my thoughts on the matter and get to a point where suicide was no longer a viable option at any point in time.

It was around this point that I realized I was going through a form of grieving after getting the diagnosis. Grieving a medical diagnosis for yourself is, in fact, normal. It helped contextualize what I felt in the months after my diagnosis. It also helped me move through the stages more effectively because I now knew what I was experiencing was normal.

Continue reading “The First Couple Days…Weeks…Months…”

Personal Motivation

Advocating for Your Health


I am not a medical professional and the information provided in this post is intended for your general knowledge only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition.


Something is wrong.

You don’t know what it is, but something isn’t right with your body. You may not have gotten an MS diagnosis yet, but you might suspect that it’s MS or something similar.

Going to WebMD tells you one thing, but you know that self-diagnosing is not the final stopping point. You call your General Practitioner and set up an appointment to begin the investigation process.

You’ve made it this far, but what is the next step to make sure you get some answers?

Healthcare Failings

Unfortunately, simply going to the doctor isn’t going to get you an immediate answer or an answer at all. This shouldn’t discourage you from going: in fact, it should encourage you to go even more and advocate for yourself.

But it is important to go into the process prepared.

Not everyone will have a smooth experience when talking to the doctor about health issues. If you are a woman, you are more likely to be dismissed for pain complaints. MS can cause pain, as can a number of other autoimmune diseases, so walking into the office may feel like preparing for battle: will my health care professional take my complaints seriously?

The answer depends. They will hopefully jump at the chance to figure out what is going on, but some may surprise you and be resistant to exploring your situation.

This post isn’t meant to disparage the medical system, but to shed light on the possibility that you may need to engage in personal advocacy. Being an advocate is important regardless, but having tools and a contingency plan will streamline and hopefully speed up the process of getting answers and treatment.

It is important to remember this: going in with a calm attitude and willingness to listen will help disarm any potentially defensive healthcare professional, but make sure to come in with questions and ready to assert yourself for answers if necessary.

Continue reading “Advocating for Your Health”