Self-Generosity

This post was originally published in December 2017. I have updated this post.


At this time of year, life can get overwhelming. There are social, familial, and professional obligations that all demand our full attention. While these demands don’t go away, they do seem more urgent at the end of the calendar year.

It is easy to get caught up in these demands and struggle to prioritize them (and sometimes they don’t allow for reasonable prioritization). It leaves a person feeling frazzled, burnt out, and hating the holiday season.

That isn’t the case for everyone, but I am sure we’ve all had moments in life where we would like to skip straight to January 2nd and move on with our lives.

We’ve run into others who feel this way: try going into a mall around this time of year. I’ll just leave it at that.

Piling on top of the usual life demands are calls for generosity from various organizations at the end of the year. Commercials are filled with pathos-based appeals to get the viewer to donate to multiple causes. Religious leaders ask their people to open up their wallets and give money, toys, or time to those who are less fortunate. Stories of tragic events lead to calls for donations of food, items, and blood. Passive social pressures increase with social media pages flooded with posts from others announcing their generosity.

It gets incredibly overwhelming.

The issue is that when we think about the term “generosity,” we think about it as giving to others. But look at the definition of the word:

Generosity
nounplural generosities.

1. readiness or liberality in giving.
2. freedom from meanness or smallness of mind or character.

3. a generous act:
   We thanked him for his many generosities.

4. largeness or fullness; amplitude.

Dictionary.com

Nowhere in the definition does it specifically define generosity as an act we give to others. It is an act of giving and love, but with no designated recipient.

When we get caught up in the minutiae, we completely forget about the importance of taking care of ourselves. Societal pressures states we should be generous with our time and care for others. Still, it’s tough to care about another person if we don’t take care of ourselves.

If we care for our own needs first, we can be more useful for others. And when everything becomes too overwhelming, we might be able to see through it with less stress and frustration.

The Importance of Self-Care

I saw this quote posted on a friend’s Facebook wall, and it was the foundation for this post. I kept the original formatting:

self care isn’t always lush bath bombs and $20 face masks. sometimes, it’s going to bed at 8pm or letting go of a bad friend. it’s forgiving yourself for not meeting your impossible standards & understanding u are worth it. self care isn’t always luxury, but a mean for survival

Cheerful Nihilism

Self-care quotes, personal revelations about self-care, articles expounding self-care all make the rounds on a reasonably frequent basis. Some of them connect with us and others we either ignore or go, “yeah, if only it were that easy.”

All the wisdom in the world about self-care/self-generosity does not mean anything if it doesn’t connect with you. And let’s be blunt about the quotes/revelations/articles: they aren’t saying anything new. It’s all steeped in common sense.

We just need them to remind us every so often.

I am not an expert that can espouse pearls of wisdom of how to better take care of yourself, but I do recommend that you be more generous to yourself. Allow yourself to be more selfish.

But this isn’t the same when we think about being selfish. It’s is a loving form of selfishness.

Recognize that you need to take care of yourself before you can care for others. The Mayo Clinic recommends that caregivers take care of themselves first before they take care of others. They acknowledge that a person must be selfish if they are going to be an effective long-term caregiver.

Everyone is a caregiver. For some, it’s for another person; for everyone, it’s themselves. We all must care for ourselves.

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Love & MS

This post was originally published in February 2018. I’ve updated it to include a follow up since the original publication.


We don’t get to choose whether or not we get MS, nor do we get to decide when we get that diagnosis. For some, it comes while in a relationship, and for others, it happens outside of one.

Either scenario forces the following self-reflectiondoes my partner stay with me? And, do I disclose my situation on a date? MS is challenging because it turns partners or potential partners into caretakers.

It fosters self-doubt after the diagnosisis my partner with me because they feel obligated? Do they resent having to care for me? Are they only interested in me because they have to “fix” me? What happens if they leave or die before me?

It is little wonder that many bloggers and experts refer to MS as the third wheel in a relationship. It’s an unwanted obstacle that can put a strain on any current or budding relationship.

The Third Wheel

MS is the unpredictable cousin that comes into your life and needs a place to crash until they get on their feet. They take up space on a centrally located couch and refuse to leave when you want to watch a movie with your partner (or bring a date home). They say they are looking for a job, but really spend all day watching half-hour courtroom shows with ads for injury lawyers.

It’s that cousin that interrupts you every time you want to have a conversation with someone. Because of the interruption, you forget what you were saying and get frustrated because you can’t remember.

Simply put: MS is an unwelcome third-party to your relationship that isn’t going to leave anytime soon. No matter how many times you ask it to get its act together and move on.

Trying to figure MS out and how it factors into a relationship is extremely hard. In addition to maintaining a relationship, I am trying to learn my limitations. How much do I put on or ask of Ash? Should I even ask him to help? Is the relationship lopsided? Am I really that bad that I need his help? Or am I just imagining things?

MS is always hiding in the background of every thought or action I take. I have to plan out my day to make sure I have enough energy for when Ash gets home to make any interactions with him meaningful. I have to pause frequently and ask myself: am I feeling this way because this is normal for someone who only got 4 hours of sleep with a teething toddler, or is this because of the MS?

As you can see, I ask myself a lot of questions. I tend to overthink things, and so it takes a lot of energy to manage my MS. So when it is time for quality time with Ash, sometimes I just don’t have what it takes to be the partner I think he deserves.

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Checking In: MS Symptoms

This post was originally published in February 2018. I’ve updated it to include a follow up since the original publication.


What good is discussing diet and lifestyle changes if I don’t reveal the ongoing results?

Doing an honest self-assessment of any sort is hard, particularly when trying to find ways to manage an unmanageable disease. There’s a huge desire to make everything a “success” or engage in placebo effect-like thinking, but that isn’t always the case.

Overall, I feel like I am managing my MS better. Still, on a day-to-day basis, my mileage may vary because of various external factors.

Current Health Self-Check

Currently, I am not doing so well. Not necessarily because of the MS, but I have a weird seasonal head cold. Drippy nose, sore throat, and exhaustion. I can only assume that if a person without MS gets a virus like this, they may feel wiped out but can go about their daily lives with minimal interference.

With MS and any illness, I get so wiped out that getting out of bed is a hardship. Ash had to stay home until Jai went down for his morning nap on Tuesday because I was so worn out. I needed the extra couple of hours of sleep. This afforded me before I was able to start the day and take care of a toddler. Jai and I stayed in our PJs and read lots of books and minimized movement so I wouldn’t overdo it.

This is a crucial example of why getting sick with MS is “dangerous.” It won’t necessarily cause any physical harm. Still, infections are a significant cause of flare-ups, so there is a risk of needing to get steroids to treat the inflammation. I don’t get avoidant if I know someone is sick. Still, I do recognize that even a simple cold can knock me off my feet for a couple of days that might just inconvenience someone else.

I usually wouldn’t write about getting sick factoring into how I am currently feeling because I tend not to get sick all that often. Still, since having Jai, it has become a more common occurrence. 

Beyond the cold, I am feeling okay overall. There’s been some emotional disappointment in not being able to maintain my diet as strictly as I wanted. I am doing what is best for my overall health, and that is more important. My brain fog and memory issues haven’t lessened, but that may be because I am not doing enough mental exercises to help stimulate neuron repair.

Fatigue is still an issue, but not so much on the days that I am more active. I find high-cardio days mean that I have more energy throughout the day. On the days I only do yoga, there might be a more significant dip in energy by the afternoon.

Being completely honest: I haven’t noticed many changes since my last check-in after my diet reset. I feel more active, happier, less sluggish, but no apparent changes to my MS symptoms.

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Sugar and Chronic Illness

This post was originally published in October 2017. I’ve updated it to include a follow up since the original publication. Find my thoughts on sugar and chronic illness under my update.

2019 Note: This was a check-in post relating to a series of diet changes I made. Because I was breastfeeding Jai, I could not take my MS medication until I finished. I wanted to find a way to manage my illness until I restarted my medication.


Cutting sugar went smoother than I expected, though there were a few days where I was irritable, according to Ash. I refuse to believe him, but deep down, I know he’s right. No longer having that emotional crutch makes for a very grumpy me.

Psychologically speaking, it was a lot easier than I expected. As long as I didn’t have sugary treats in the house (I tossed all of our sweets or sent them with Ash to work); I avoided buying sugary drinks (everyone knows that my weakness is a good Pumpkin Spice Latte in the fall). If I had fruit for any sweet cravings, I was good to go. Every time I drove by a Starbucks, there was a temptation to pull in and just give in to that PSL craving, but I made sure to keep going and have a few bites of pineapple as soon as I got home.

A couple of times, I did eventually stop at Starbucks, and I made sure only to order an Americano. Before I was pregnant, I was in the habit of drinking all my coffee black unless it was a latte. It wasn’t hard for me to get back into drinking with nothing in them. I think it helped a bit too.

Coffee is a wonder drug (and sadly, probably something I need to add to my drop list), and can make a lot of things better.

I didn’t notice any headaches, though, at the beginning of the week, I was more sluggish and in need of an extra nap or two during the day. By the time Ash came home from work, I was very ready to pass Jai off to him, so I could lay down and not think or move for an hour. By day 3 or so, I had a little more energy, and by this morning (day 5), I had even more energy to do my running around without the need for a nap.

I also noticed that during my long run on Thursday, I was able to keep up with my mom and felt less fatigued at the end of it. I also felt motivated to go again this morning (though that would be off schedule). Me? Motivated to run off schedule? This really is unheard of – I hate running.

While shopping, I made sure to review all the labels like I said I would: any time it was High Fructose Corn Syrup or unidentified form of “sugar,” I would move along. From my research, they said that sugar is hidden in everything, and it really is true. Sugar is everywhere. Foods that I usually love to eat, like certain types of crackers or even grab-n-go frozen meals…all contain sugar. I also made sure to avoid agave and honey. If the item were sweetened with fruit juice or dates – I would be willing to grab it to consume.

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veganism-and-chronic-illness

Veganism and Me

This post was originally published in November 2017. I’ve updated it to include a follow up since the original publication.


2019 Note: This was a check-in post towards the end of a series of diet changes I made. Because I was breastfeeding Jai, I could not take my MS medication until I finished. I wanted to find a way to manage my illness until I restarted my medication.

One week of the vegan diet down and going strong. It’s difficult to tell if there’s a difference in my energy level while I am still fighting this chest cold. Still, I do feel like my mood is relatively calm and mellow.

I am anticipating that once I start feeling better that I will notice a spike in my energy levels. After my first flare-up, but before my diagnosis, I went vegan for a few months. I found it as a natural energy booster while I wasn’t consuming caffeine. I expect the same results because I am eating similar to before, if not better, because I am not eating sugar or junk foods.

I am finding that I am craving meats and STILL craving fried foods. While I am not craving beef or pork, I am craving chicken and salmon, mainly fried chicken and fries. I still haven’t indulged in my fried food cravings, but I am astonished at how much harder it’s been to drop those foods. I expected sugar to be the hardest for me to remove from my diet with the cravings, and it hasn’t been.

I occasionally feel sorry that I can’t indulge in sweet treats, especially in the fall, but what I wouldn’t give to have some salty fries right now. Or onion rings. Or mozzarella. Or some sort of fried chicken skin…

I found some puffed veggie “fries” that work as a snack, and I’ve been making homemade microwave popcorn for idle snacking at night. I am going to try baking some fries or a vegan version of twice-baked potatoes. I think either of those might help satisfy my cravings.

Next week is the penultimate food removal and going to be the most difficult with functioning in the real world: gluten.

Overall Health Update

Getting on the scale this morning, I have officially lost 12 pounds from when I first started this journey. It was never about weight loss, but to see that this morning was a huge confidence booster. Hopefully more of it will melt off as I eat healthier and healthier and keep running. Once I finally hit a bottom with the weight loss, I will reveal official numbers.

2019 Health Update

It’s interesting how things come full circle. I maintained the vegan diet through the end of 2017 and into part of 2018 but found it unsustainable when I dropped gluten as well. I re-introduced eating dairy, meats, and gluten and never noticed that energy boost. Still, I suspect it had more to do with not maintaining as balanced of a diet as I intended.

In April of this year, I went vegetarian again and transitioned back to veganism in June. My reasons for transitioning back to veganism had less to do with health, though that was part of it. It had more to do with ethical reasons and being mindful of my overall environmental impact. This time I was more conscious of my diet, especially with all the running I’ve been doing. Since transitioning to vegan in June (but still eating gluten), I’ve had more energy and feel better overall.

I indulge in junk food, especially after several days of intense running training. I just ran an intense half marathon, so one of the first meals I had was a plate full of fries. I maintained the attitude I was going for back in 2017, and that is to embrace moderation.

I still firmly believe making dietary changes have helped me manage my MS while off medication. I won’t say it was any one thing, but rather, being mindful of my eating and ensuring it was balanced. If you could call my eating habits anything, it’s mostly clean eating with the occasional fried/unhealthy indulgence.

As to the weight mentioned at the end of the post, here is the official number reveal I promised. I was 164lbs when I started my journey in September 2017. When I wrote this post in November 2017, I was approximately 152lbs. According to the BMI standards, I was still considered overweight. At my most recent weigh-in, I am down to 130 lbs. This puts me solidly in healthy weight territory.

Two different races, two years apart.

I suspect losing nearly 60 lbs (I was 186 at my highest when pregnant with Jai) helps manage my MS. I don’t know if this is true, but I do feel better overall because of it. I understand this isn’t something everyone can do, especially with a debilitating autoimmune disease, but if you have the means to lose weight, it is worth trying. 

I wanted to revisit this post since I wrote it exactly two years ago, and it was interesting to see what changed and what stayed the same. It’s not often I think of taking the opportunity to see my personal growth.


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Featured photo credit: Canva