I-hate-self-improvement

I Hate Self-Improvement

We’re finally addressing what I’ve thought many times and I’m sure you’ve too: I hate self-improvement.

We can pack everything up. Everyone head home. The blog’s done. Everything’s been said that needs to be told and we can move on with our lives. It’s been really nice taking this near two-year journey with you.

Okay, we all know I am joking. I still have lots to write about, and I am not ready to finish. But let’s take a moment to acknowledge this truth: self-improvement stinks because it moves us into a space of feeling uncomfortable. As discussed in Monday’s post, Bishop writes about our tendency to be risk-averse when confronted with going outside our comfort zones.

Self-improvement only comes when we get outside our comfort zone and acknowledge that what we are doing is not working. When we stick to our ruts, we do not grow. When we stop growing, we are more susceptible to dissatisfaction.

Chronic illness does a lot to keep us in our place. We feel a lot of pain wrapped up in the diagnosis. Every day is a fight to manage our health, our time, and our lives. Asking ourselves to take that extra step to make simple improvements can feel unreasonable.

Settling into a mindset of hating self-improvement is easy. And that’s okay, you can hate it. You can hate it in the same way you hate exercising, but know you should take a few minutes a day; hate eating a particular way, but know it helps you feel better; and hate taking your disease-modifying drugs, but they keep you stable or alive. No one is saying that saying to make self-improvement changes with a smile on your face.

I refuse to believe people who make self-improvement/self-help their life don’t have moments where they hate what they are doing.

You may hate exercise, eating a certain way, or taking your medication, but you know you need to in order to feel and get better. The same with self-improvement. You can hate it, but it is good for you all the same. Remember this: making simple improvements can help you better manage your illness which is what I am encouraging you to do.

The Problem with Self-Improvement

Self-improvement takes us all down the same path. The scenery may look different, but the concept is always the same: figure out what we want to change, work to change it, deal with the challenges, then recognize there’s a roadblock we need to address before moving forward.

When confronted with that “roadblock” it can stop us in our tracks because it’s distracting, makes us feel bad, and seems insurmountable. It may even be something we’ve spent a lot of time avoiding. We don’t like it and want it to go away. But confronting this roadblock head-on will help get it to go away, or at the very least, get it to have less of a hold of us.

We must confront it to find success.

Let’s say you are trying to quit smoking. In the process of trying to stop you discover there is a pleasure you get because it reminds you of your grandmother who smoked. Smoking, on some deep level, is a connection to her. When you give up smoking, there’s a sense of that connection is lost. That might halt your desire to quit: you don’t want to lose your grandmother.

But the reality is this: you need to quit to improve your health, and smoking across the board exacerbates chronic illness symptoms. The same is for self-improvement: we need to make changes because what we are currently doing might exacerbate our symptoms.

I Hate Self-Improvement

2019’s been good so far, but I haven’t enjoyed all the aspects of self-improvement. I enjoy how my mood’s improved, the improvements I’ve seen, how I feel, but I wouldn’t say I’ve enjoyed the self-improvement. But it’s been tough to get to this place.

I dislike self-improvement. It’s an exercise like my running and it’s not easy. I was saying to Ash the other day how I want a mental and emotional break. But if I stop doing my mental/emotional exercises, if I “take a break,” I will revert back to my old way of doing things. A “break” would be tantamount to a backslide and I don’t want to do that.

For the record, self-care and a break would be two different things in this situation. What I need at this moment are self-care and self-compassion. A break would be halting self-improvement because it’s gotten tough.

If I want to be a less judgmental person, I have to push through those moments where I want a break, I want to give up. If I want to eat healthier, I have to resist carb-overload temptations. I have to fight my natural tendency to want to give up when the going gets tough.

Working through the Dislikes

When we spend time self-reflecting, we see things that we want to change. If you subscribe to my newsletter, you know that last month I asked readers to come up with five things they love/like about themselves and five things they dislike/want to change.

Take a few minutes to list out five things you dislike (do not use the word hate) about yourself. It can be anything and should be the first five things you think about. If you overthink about it, you dismiss your unconscious voice, and that’s who you are trying to listen to in this exercise.

Once you’ve developed this list, keep it somewhere safe so you can pull it out throughout the month. We will hopefully find a way to address your dislikes in a healthy way. But this month will be about working through your dislikes.

Beauty in Imperfection

As stated at the beginning of March, there is a beauty that grows from the mud. We want to look at those dislikes, perceived imperfections, and parts of us we want to change and honor them. Sure, we will work to change them, but it’s these imperfections that make us beautiful and unique. Even our chronic illness.

A preview for what’s to come: if you are a subscriber to the weekly newsletter we’ll be addressing our inner toddlers. Because though we may not want to admit it, that toddler is still inside all of us.

May is going to be a difficult month. I will be addressing a lot of the dislikes I have for myself, my perceived “flaws,” and any doubts I have about myself. But like everything, I will get through it. We will all get through it and see the beauty in our imperfections.


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The Difficulties in Self-Reflection

A wellness journey is no different from a physical one: the path will get difficult, overgrown, washed out, detoured, and sometimes disappear. Through perseverance, we find the path again or overcome the difficulties encountered in the journey. Self-reflection functions as rocky terrain: it requires heavy emotional lifting that bogs you down and hinders forward movement. If you are training yourself to meet your personal goals, the resistence builds you up to tackles the next stage in your life’s journey.

It’s April, and you may have dropped any idea of completing your New Year’s Resolutions but know that you can still make those goals. The “New Year” is just a date, and it’s always a good time to get started on your life goals. For the sake of your own wellbeing, consider taking the next couple of weeks (in blog posts) to self-reflect even if you’ve decided to completely reject your goals.

What’s Ahead: the Difficulties in Self-Reflection

What should you expect in the next two weeks of posts?

I will be using the lens of self-reflection to review three parts of my life: pre-diagnosis, during the diagnosis process, and post-diagnosis. Within these posts, I will provide exercises for you to reflect on the same moments you encountered in your journey.

The goal will be to see where you were, where you are, and where you are going in your life as it is. Think of it as the famous Christmas story: we’ll be visiting three “ghosts” in our lives to see how we can change our current life’s trajectory.

The tough part is the level of honesty required. When self-reflecting, it’s easy to rationalize certain thoughts and behaviors rather than being honest.

I am not able to get a certain task done because I am too overwhelmed. My illness prevents me from achieving a professional goal. When I am in a better emotional place, I can finally learn that hobby I’m interested in.

The truth is this: you have to be honest about why you are not getting a task done and why you feel overwhelmed. Is it because you don’t actually want to get it done or completing the job makes you feel worse than avoiding it? Is your illness actually preventing you from achieving your professional goal or are you using it as an excuse to justify mediocre work?

I know that sounds harsh, but the truth we avoid is the one that holds us back from achieving our goals. With the next set of posts, I will ask you to be honest with yourself, so let us acknoledge the frustrating nature of self-reflection.

Remember Self-Compassion

Back in February, I discussed the importance of self-compassion. As you reflect, remember to be compassionate with yourself as you begin to uncover your truth.

A quick refresher: self-compassion is being kind to yourself in the same way you would be sympathetic to a friend or loved one. Imagine a friend approaches you with the same fears, concerns, and scenarios you are experiencing. What comfort or advice would you provide them? Take that same advice and apply it to yourself.

Remember to take it easy on yourself, be kind when you hit a roadblock, but find a healthy and workable detour.

Taking a Much Needed Break

While we will be moving forward with working towards our goals, be okay with needing to take a step back. If you need to take a break, there is nothing wrong with giving yourself the time. The process it took to get to your current state didn’t happen overnight, nor will the process to get out of it.

Engage with self-care, go out and do something for yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Honor what your mind and body tell you. Just remember to re-engage with the wellness process, even if you don’t want to. There’s a difference between taking a break and avoiding the issue altogether.

Self-reflection is like any sort of physical exercise. Sometimes you have to push a little harder when it hurts in order to achieve your desired results. Like with exercise, be sure to do it in a safe manner to prevent causing harm.

Consider Outside Help

Because I am not a medical professional, any advice I give in my posts may not fit you. Consider reaching to an outside source if you think your self-reflection will take you down a problematic emotional path. Sometimes the things we discover ourselves are upsetting, or memories/emotions come up that are too much to handle alone.

If you aren’t in therapy but think you need the outside help, consider finding someone. There are many options available, including reputable apps, so finding the right fit is easier no matter the location. While I haven’t tried one for myself, these are ideal if your chronic illness affects your mobility.

If you don’t think therapy will work for you, but you have someone in your life whom you can speak with, approach them to see if they would be willing to help as you self-reflect.

Asking for help is not a weakness, it’s recognizing the current life-load temporarily requires a helping hand. We are social creatures, so doubtless you will find someone who wants to help see you through this journey.

If you haven’t already, please consider signing up for my weekly newsletter so you can get more information on this year’s wellness journey.


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Featured photo credit: Canva.com


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How to Self-Reflect as a Parent

This year, as we move towards self-improvement, not every goal is managing our chronic illness. I know that some of my secondary, unwritten goals are to be a better parent to Jai. Self-reflection is still essential, but how do you self-reflect as a parent? What are some of the crucial steps or changes you should make? Are there any changes that need to be made?

Parenting is one of those areas where there is no right answer.

Each person has their own style and belief, and because there’s this instinct built into the process of parenting, it’s hard to move beyond the hardwiring. But as with everything in our life, we should take a moment to reflect on how we parent.

Who am I as a Parent?

This is the number one question to start asking yourself: who am I as a parent? Am I gentle, unstructured, helicopter, snowplow, fighter jet? How does this style of parenting impact my child? Do I walk away from each interaction feeling positive about how I handled the situation or do I feel like I lost control?

Take a moment and be honest. Self-reflection isn’t easy and the answers to those questions may be difficult. But remember, it’s never too late to make changes to your parenting style.

If you have a partner, ask them how they see you as a parent. You’ll want them to be honest, so while you might get defensive by what they say, try to be open. The truth can be hard to hear, but it is the only way to reflect on the changes that you want to make.

Take the time to write down all that you come up with about your parenting style and abilities. Separate the positive aspects to your parenting with the negative aspects.

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Self-Reflection & Personal Wellness

As discussed in Monday’s post, self-reflection is extremely important for the success of a personal wellness journey. It allows you to be honest with yourself and finding a way to achieve your goals. Today, we’ll focus more on the personal wellness aspect.

If you want to take anything away from today’s post, the key is to be honest with yourself and figure out who you are. What you want in life will follow as will most things.

Self-Reflection & Personal Wellness

Any goals that you set for yourself need to go through a level of introspection. Are these goals reasonable? Can I actually achieve them? What do I need to motivate myself? Will my chronic illness affect any changes I want to make in my life?

Let’s speak to the elephant in the room. Self-reflection does take us down a negative path, but it is necessary. We will confront negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves, and this will make us feel uncomfortable. When I decided to take better care of myself, I recognized in a moment of self-reflection that I would have to address the lifelong negative thoughts and emotions I dealt with daily.

To best address these aspects, I experienced several days of feeling emotionally uncomfortable until I settled on a healthful solution to deal with my thoughts and emotions. During this period, I may remove myself from specific social scenarios that would perpetuate what I wanted to fix or place mental boundaries to protect myself until I was ready.

Once I arrived at a solution after this self-reflection exercise, I always felt better about myself and my personal goals. My motivation shoots up and I act in a way that I am proud of myself. In the process of self-reflection, I get one step closer to my wellness goals and I learn more about who I really am.

The temporary moments of discomfort that comes from self-reflection are worth the life lesson you get learn about yourself.

Be Honest with Yourself

When setting goals, always be honest with yourself.

If you want to quit smoking, is your time-frame reasonable? You may be someone who needs to slowly cut back on your daily habit versus going cold turkey.

The only way to know that is to take the time to reflect and be honest with yourself. Have you found success in cold turkey? Or did you do better when you cut back one cigarette at a time?

No matter what your goal, self-reflection will give you the opportunity to understand yourself and how you differ from others. Because no two people are alike, your personal expectations must match that. You cannot expect your wellness goals to be complete in the same amount of time as a friend. You may be faster or you may be slower.

Looking towards your past behaviors, actions, and thoughts can clue you into what your wellness journey will look like. If you failed many times in the past, so this thought is discouraging, do not despair: look instead at those attempts as learning opportunitites. What didn’t work each time? What did?

This should sound familiar because self-reflection leads to be more self-compassionate with yourself.

This is the key takeaway each time you self-reflect: who are you and what are your personal needs? If you are honest in your reflection you will find more success in your life goals.

But Who Are You?

There is a temptation to reflect on who you want to be or your idealized self, but not be realistic about who you are now. This is where we run into problems with succeeding in our improvement journey.

I know I am rarely honest with myself when I have to track calories for weight loss. I cut corners and say I ate less than what I actually did and I might inflate my exercise times. Then I wonder why I haven’t lost weight. It’s because I wasn’t honest with myself or my goals.

I was focusing more on my idealized self, not my current self wanting to lose weight. I thought I was doing better than I was and used it as an opportunity to justify cheating on my regimen.

It’s key to be brutely honest with who you are right now. That may be a person with a weakness for cigarettes when stressed, needing the occasional sugar rush to boost energy, or quick to confront people when your anxiety levels are up. Deep down, you probably already know this about yourself, but were too afraid to reflect on it.

The discomfort you feel as you work through your personal honesty is temporary. You will make it to the other side of each exercise and you will find personal success in that honesty.

Those First Steps

The first steps are hard, but here are some places to get started (with or without a chronic illness):

  • Take a step back and look at your life as though you were a stranger (not even a friend). You want to have that “out of body experience” reflecting on your life. Who do you see?
  • Compare who you think you are versus the person you see when looking at yourself objectively. Where do you match and where do you differ? In that gap between the “two” people might contain a clue on becoming your ideal self.
  • What are some of the first thoughts you have about yourself? Are they positive or negative? What do you want your first thoughts to be?
  • Figure out how to make your idealized self match your actual self. If you have a chronic illness, be realistic about your idealized self. You waste precious emotional resources if you focus on a person you can never become due to your chronic illness. How close to your idealized personal goals can you get if you pushed your limits?

This is only the beginning for what we will do this month. In Friday’s newsletter, we focus on the importance of self-reflection with a chronic illness. If you have MS or another chronic illness, be sure to sign-up for the newsletter so you can get tips, tricks and jump into our wellness journey. By doing so, you won’t miss Friday’s post.


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Featured photo credit: Nicollazzi Xiong from Pexels


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Recovery after an MS Exacerbation

So you’ve had a relapse/exacerbation/flare up. Hopefully, you’ve already had the conversation with your healthcare professional about managing the flare-up. You may take high doses of steroids to reduce the inflammation, but you’re coming down from the drugs and looking at recovery. What does recovery after an MS exacerbation look like?

Like all things MS related, your recovery is going to look different from mine which is going to look different from someone else’s. Having some ideas of what you can expect and what you can do on your own might help plan your next exacerbation recovery.

I am not a healthcare professional so all that follows should not be taken as medical advice.

Relapse-Remitting & Recovery

With Relapse-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (RRMS) there’s a chance of recovery after each exacerbation. That means, there’s also a chance you won’t go back to the way you were prior to the flare-up. After my second major flare-up when I was abroad, I never got my full feeling back in my right index finger and thumb.

When you don’t go completely back to the way you were before, it’s extremely frustrating. But there are some ways to manage your recovery as a means of self-care, i.e. taking back control of your body. These are forms of complementary care: suggestions to work in tandem with your medical treatment.

Because I have RRMS, I can only speak to what recovery looks like after each exacerbation. If you have Primary-Progressive or Secondary-Progressive, recovery is going to look completely different. What follows are based on my experience dealing with RRMS.

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