Embracing Big Changes in Life

At the end of October, I wrote about the prospect of losing Lytton to a mysterious illness. I had hoped to get more time with him as we thought we had a few options to manage his health. But towards the end of November, we had to do the compassionate thing and end his suffering. I learned a lot about embracing big changes in life during that time.

While I consider myself fortunate to have a few weeks to prepare for it, I am still in shock over the quickness he went from healthy to terminally ill. From the first sign of his illness to when we said goodbye was a month and a half. I prepared, but it’s hard to move that fast for such a substantial change.

Yet, significant life changes happen all the time. Our diagnosis. Buying a house. Losing a loved one. Finding someone new to love. The changes discussed in this post are the ones completely out of our control.

Change happens. Sometimes we can prepare ourselves for it, but often we cannot. What we can do is take the time to embrace the change. Regardless of whether you consider the change positive or negative, it’s going to happen regardless of your wishes. Rather than fight it, we find a way to work through it.

How Can Change Help You?

Change can help us, even if it’s unwelcome. I don’t know when I will reach the point where I can sincerely say losing Lytton helped me. Each day, I go through all the stages of grief as I try to move through my new normal.

Yet, I admit that losing him tested the effectiveness of the wellness journey I’ve made over the past few years. I did not need the confirmation that it works. But, the fact that I still haven’t experienced an exacerbation is proof that I am managing healthily. 

Lytton’s death reminded me of the impermanence of life. I pushed death to the back of my mind as something that happens to other people but hasn’t touched me. With that attitude, I did not appreciate everyone around me in the way I do now. I recognize that anyone can leave me permanently, with no explanation. 

Finally, it reminded me that change happens, and I can get through it. The last time I experienced a “negative” life shift was after my diagnosis, almost seven years ago. I regrouped and was eventually able to move forward. 

Change, whether it’s good or bad, can help you discover essential things:

  1. The importance of taking time for yourself. If you experience a life change, negative or positive, take some time to sit with it. 
  2. Self-care, again. The further I get into life, the more confirmation I get surrounding the importance of self-care. Self-care can be in celebration or to help calm oneself after the change.
  3. How resilient we are and why finding ways to adapt is essential. While we must accept an uncontrollable change, we don’t have to roll over. We can find ways to adapt and adjust to change. 
  4. Appreciate life before, during, and after the change. We can recognize what we had before, find ways to enjoy life as it is, and understand what life might be in the future.
  5. Finding the positive in the negative. It might take some time, but there’s always a silver lining even in the negative changes. You might find comfort knowing what’s going on with you, be at peace because a person no longer suffers, or allowed to try a new career opportunity.

Embracing Big Life Changes

The key, I’ve found, is to lean into the uncontrollable changes for better or for worse. There are some changes we can fight for, opportunities we can pursue even if the door keeps shutting. But often, significant changes are out of our hands. We cannot prevent the new direction our life goes in, so we can accept the outcome and find ways to adapt.

The first step is acceptance and embracing the big changes. Finding ways to adapt follow closely behind.

For me, while I would love to run out and find a Bombay kitten similar to Lytton, I am learning to reconnect with our other two cats as a form of acceptance. Lytton was such a significant presence in our household that often, the other two cats functioned like roommates we cared and fed. I am spending more time with them, whether they appreciate it or not, and loving on them.

After my diagnosis, I fought the information, choosing to be ignorant of my MS because it was too painful to acknowledge. Behaving this way did not improve my quality of life. But once I took steps to accept and adapt my reality, I found greater satisfaction with everything.

If there are negative feelings associated with significant life changes, it’s hard to accept and adapt, especially in what we feel is a timely manner. Remember to honor your timetable, but be open to acceptance as your goal once you’ve finished mourning (death or health change). 

Big changes are going to happen in life. We have two options when encountering change: embrace it or reject it. When we embrace the change, it allows us to heal and move forward. When we reject it, it can prolong our dissatisfaction and cause stress.

In the end, the decision is ours how we deal with change.


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Identifying Wellness Changes

So often I get caught up with what’s going on in my life, at the moment, that I don’t take the time to step back and appreciate my development as a person. It’s easy not to recognize how we’ve grown as a person, partly because we are too close to the situation.

Or, more often is the case for me, I don’t reflect on the changes I’ve made and assume I am staying in one place. I presume that I am not experiencing growth because I don’t think of identifying my maturation. If I am bogged down with routine, I take for granted the moments where I behave differently than in the past. I miss seeing the benefit I am getting from my wellness changes.

It’s essential to appreciate the changes we’ve made, no matter how minuscule they might seem, because any change in a positive direction is a great start.

Identifying Changes

Back in February, I devoted a whole month to self-reflection. If we want to see what changes we’ve made throughout this year, we have to dive back into the self-reflection process. Hopefully, this will be less painful than a full-assessment of ourselves. If we feel like we haven’t done a lot of internal work this year, there might be a hesitation to self-reflect because of shame.

Unfortunately, we’ll have to push through those feelings of shame. At the end of the year, take a few moments to reflect on the positive. When your mind drifts into negative thinking, find something positive you did recently, and see what motivated you to do it. 

How will you know a change you made throughout the year is a positive one?

When making wellness goals, we often say things like: I want to exercise more, eat healthier, feel more satisfied, etc. And we’ve been through this cycle before: after making changes, two things happen. We “Fail,” as in, we give up. Or, we “fail” because we don’t notice changes quick enough, and feel like we are wasting time. 

It’s the lower-case “fail,” that we are examining today. Chances are if you don’t notice any positive changes in your life for the year, you didn’t fail. You just aren’t looking hard enough at what you have done. If you are continuing with your changes, despite not seeing the results that you want on time, consider this: you are sticking with it, and that counts as a success.

The entire point of this blog is tracking my wellness journey with MS as I wait to restart my medication. I wanted to get healthy to help manage my flare-ups and to provide a positive example to Jai. There are plenty of days where I don’t think I’ve made a difference in my life. I don’t see the results, so I assume I am spinning my wheels.

These last two months are proof that I’ve made changes, and the changes are working for me. I wrote about Lytton’s health issues at the end of October, and less than a month later, we had to say goodbye. The week we put him to sleep was stressful, surpassing the week I spent in the hospital utterly clueless about what was wrong with me, pre-diagnosis.

Not counting watching Lytton suffering through the final hours of his ailment, I fell from running the week before, Jai was sick, I had a mild infection, stress of an upcoming trip, and wondering when I would find time to catch up on the blog like I planned. Spoiler: I never caught up by evidence on the tardiness of this post.

When the dust started to settle, about a week or so later, I took a moment and realized something. I did not experience a flare-up. Given the amount of stress I was under, all the various negative moments I experienced, I was relatively calm and no indication of a flare-up.

I was pleased with myself. I weathered a hurricane of adverse events that, at any other point in my life, would have left me feeling defeated. I acknowledged that there are cycles in life where it feels like everything is piling on. I am in that cycle, but it will end, and I have to stay calm until then. I can’t fight life, as fighting will cause more stress. If I remain steadfast, acknowledge the feelings of frustration or sadness as they come up, and keep moving forward, I won’t drown in self-defeat.

Additionally, I experienced relapses for less. Granted, I still have a few days here and there where I want to stay in bed for a few hours over Lytton’s loss, but I know it’s coming more from depression and not from my MS. The fact that I am still managing my MS without medication and not undergoing a relapse shows me that the changes I made are working. 

Hopefully, you aren’t experiencing a down cycle where life is piling on to show you the effectiveness of your life changes. But I hope you take this away from the post: even if you don’t notice the changes working, chances are you are in a better space than you were before you started.


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Managing Grief with Chronic Illness

“I know that the ones who love us will miss us.”

Keanu Reeves, on what happens after death

Over the past two weeks, I’ve faced an emotion I haven’t dealt with in years. I’ve written about grief before, in the context of coping with a chronic illness diagnosis, but I haven’t reflected on physically losing someone. Relationships come and go, and we mourn losing our connection to a friend, but when death enters the picture, there is a finality to the whole situation we cannot come back. Living with a chronic illness means a strong emotional episode can trigger an exacerbation. That can set us back days, weeks, or even months.

So how do we manage an emotion like grief? 

It’s difficult, because there’s no right way for each person. There are healthy ways to manage grief and unhealthy ways. With a chronic illness, we must find the healthiest way to manage our grief to protect our wellbeing. What shape that takes depend on ourselves.

My Grief

For now, no one is dead in my life. But I have the opportunity to prepare for the death of a loved one. Death can surprise us, or we can have the grace of a timeline. My cat, Lytton, is undergoing some major health concerns. I’ve had Lytton for over ten years, and he’s a significant presence in my life. While he is eleven, I always assumed I would have more time with him.

With each emergency visit and specialist conversation, we are left with the feeling that the end is coming sooner than expected.

Knowing that one of my sources of emotional comfort and napping buddy may soon pass has thrown me headlong into the grieving cycle. I’ve had to reassess priorities and recognize the impact grief will have on my MS if I am not careful.

What follows are some thoughts I’ve had surrounding death and loss. 

Another Thing Chronic Illness Takes…

Chronic illness takes away our ability to grieve in the manner we wish. We can grieve however we want, without regard to our disease, absolutely. But if we have people who depend on us, or we don’t want to deal with a problematic exacerbation, we must keep one eye open to our health.

We must contain and manage our grief.

I am not suggesting “suck it up” or “get over it,” attitudes. No, grieve as long as needed in the necessary form. But be aware of what you are doing and how it might impact your health. Grief is stressful, and if we allow that stress to overwhelm us, we can make ourselves sick.

In the most profound moments of grief, we often do not care about our health. Nothing matters except the loss. Despite how it feels, the intensest moments of pain will pass, and our lives will return to the new normal without the individual. Should we stop taking care of ourselves during our period of grieving, and that helps intensify an exacerbation, the effects of the flare-up may be lifelong. 

To reframe what I mean through an example (this is for illustrative purposes, it hasn’t happened): I allow myself to get so worked up over Lytton’s death that I get an exacerbation. This leads me to lose function of my leg due to numbness, and I must be hospitalized for intervenous steroids. While I have Relapse-Remitting MS, it doesn’t guarantee my leg functionality goes back to 100%. Instead, I leave the hospital with a permanent 80% functionality of that leg. I can no longer achieve the specific goals I had for myself, and I must adapt my life to a new normal. 

I may grieve for Lytton’s death over several years, but I potentially have at least thirty more years to go beyond that. For the few months of intense emotional grief, by not taking preventative measures to balance my health and despair, I’ve impacted the rest of my life. Additionally, Jai loses his mother while I am in the hospital, and I’ve permanently reduced my ability to interact with him. 

I will probably feel guilty for not taking care of myself, needing to be hospitalized, and the impact of the exacerbation on my overall health. All three stemming from a situation where I could have prevented the flare-up through self-care.

Note: with autoimmune/chronic illness, we cannot prevent our flare-ups. They will happen when they happen. We can, however, take steps to minimize them from occurring. It’s remembering to take these steps while grieving to help prevent or lessen the impact of an exacerbation.

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Furbaby Love

For the month of November, I am taking each day to highlight some element in my life that I want to express my gratitude. This could be something deeply personal or just a passing appreciation for something more superficial. 


Before Ash and I had Jai, we adopted three cats.

And we were, and to a lesser extent still are, crazy cat parents. Our cats are spoiled. They have multiple beds (some are heated) around the house, two big kitty towers, a box filled with toys, a drawer filled with treats, and wet food for all their meals.

They are well-cared for and loved by us, with Jai learning how to respect animals and be gentle towards them.

Furbabies for many, as was the case for us, are the first and sometimes the only children for couples. Two were present for our wedding, and all three were there during my diagnosis. They were there when I went into labor and will hopefully be with us for a while longer for some more milestones.

Because they were there for major events in our relationship they are huge emotional supports for Ash and myself. For that, I am grateful to be able to share my life with them and all they do for us as devoted companion animals.

I am especially grateful for Lytton and all the love and affection he gave me from day one.

Little Ball of Love

Lytton is my cat. He’s a beautiful, silky Bombay rescue that has a smart aleck attitude with an emphasis on smart. Sure, I am slightly biased, but he really is an awesome cat. We went into the rescue and Lytton picked me instantly. I was looking at a couple other cats that were available for adoption, but he kept reaching for me and looking for my attention.

How could I say no? We ended up adopting him with his foster brother, Gerard.

Wherever I go in the house Lytton has to follow me. Many nights he sleeps on my pillow or between Ash and myself. Recently he’s taken to nipping Ash if he gets too close to me in bed. If I go away for a couple of days he acts mad with me, but within several hours he won’t leave me alone, nuzzling me until I give him some scratches and my lap.

Most endearing is he can pick up emotional states and will provide comfort when a person (not just myself) feels low. We’ve had several guests come over and Lytton revealed that they are going through something by way of pestering them for attention.

Five years ago, while I was dealing with trying to figure out what was going on with me and immediately after my diagnosis, Lytton filled in where Ash could not emotionally and physically. This is to say that Ash would be at work and I would be at home resting, Lytton would function as an unofficial emotional support animal for me. If I needed to cry in frustration or have a warm body lying next to me while I slept, Lytton was there until Ash got home.

And Baby Makes Six

Lytton has effectively taken on the role as a second father for Jai. When I was nursing Jai he would curl up alongside Jai as a barrier to prevent rolling. I don’t believe this was his intention, I think it had everything to be close to the little heater newborns are, but it was a sweet gesture.

When Jai wants alone time in his room, Lytton will perch on the rocker almost as if he’s watching over Jai. Lytton truly seems invested in Jai’s wellbeing which makes sense considering he never left my side while I was pregnant. Whenever I was home, Lytton was my shadow. I have many pictures of him using my belly as a pillow or reaching his paw out to touch me while we tried to nap.

When I was in early labor, Lytton plopped himself on my lap and slept with his head on my belly and purred until I had to change positions. He was a wonderful comfort to me and I think even for Jai in those moments (I can imagine the vibrations from purring was soothing immediately after a contraction).

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Lytton while I was in early labor.

A Lifetime of Friendship & Comfort

Having the cats there for me during the diagnosis, pregnancy, labor, and even today really helps keep my stress levels down. Lytton or Christopher will curl alongside me on the couch or the bed and even if we aren’t touching, their presence brings a lot of comfort to me.

With my MS, having that emotional support for my stress is extremely important. It wasn’t until I started being more mindful of the connection between stress-levels and flare-ups that I recognized the importance of our furbabies. I started taking the time to sit, stroke, and enjoy my time with them more than before as a means to calm down.

Now, when it’s time for my afternoon nap, I call out to Lytton to let him know I am heading upstairs for a nap. Sometimes he follows and on the times he does not, I wake up with him alongside me in some fashion.

While I know Lytton, Gerard, and Christopher’s time with us are short, I know that they provided us with a lifetime of love and memories. I think we will always have a furbaby in the home with us, whether it’s feline or canine, because of the comfort they provide us. I also know that having a companion animal helps children learn compassion, something that I want to teach Jai. For all that they do, even if it’s nothing but be available for a quick scratch, I am grateful for our furbabies.

Do you have any furbabies that help care for you in little, endearing ways? How have they provided comfort in your life? Leave your stories in the comments.


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