This post was originally published in February 2018. I’ve updated it to include a follow up since the original publication.
This is the final week in a 3-week series on parenting observations. Week one is based on gentle parenting, week two is about parenting with compassion, and week three is about parenting with a disability.
These posts are based on my personal experiences as a parent and are not meant in any way to judge other parenting styles or decisions. I am offering my own research and conclusions as possible suggestions for others out there; therefore, these posts will be as objective as possible. When it comes to parenting: if the method isn’t abusive, there really isn’t a wrong way to parent your child. Be secure and do what works best for you and your family and ignore outside judgment.
For many people, parenthood is fraught with challenges: getting enough sleep, the terrible twos, and the need for independence as children grow older. For a select few, there is the added challenge of balancing parenting and a disability of some sort.
Parenting without a disability is difficult, and parenting with one presents its own unique challenges. With some adaptations, parenting with a disability is no harder than parenting without one. Remember: it’s comparing apples and oranges; each type is challenging and straightforward in their own ways.
The key is to know what the limits are, having a support system of some sort to help manage those limitations, and keeping everything in a proper perspective.
In the final week of my parenting series, this week will be based more on observations from my own experience coupled with resources found online. If you are a parent with a disability, you may see some similarities in your situation. Hopefully, this will provide some validation to your experience.
Nota bene: This post will be using the universal “you/second person” pronouns throughout, so it may not speak to your experience directly.
Visible versus Invisible
There are two different types of disabilities out there: the ones you can see and the ones you cannot. For people with invisible disabilities, this can lead to a lot of issues, mainly if a person looks “normal” but uses a handicap parking space. A person does not need to be in a wheelchair, despite the universal logo, to be disabled.
Multiple Sclerosis can be both: for those with PPMS and SPMS (and at times, RRMS), it’s a more visible disability. The person can use a cane, walker, or scooter. It can be abnormal speech patterns, cognitive difficulties, or physical weakness. The outside observer can see the disability.
But many with RRMS don’t display outward symptoms of their diagnosis. Yet, the disability can still be there: fatigue, mental fog, or pain. Flare-ups can cause limb weakness or numbness, which several limits mobility for a short time.
When it is hard to see the disability, it is hard for outsiders to understand the extent of the disability. This can lead to feelings of frustration, inadequacy, and self-doubt by the person with the diagnosis.
Parenting with an invisible disability adds an additional layer of complications: sometimes, it’s hard to make playdate plans because you don’t know how you might feel that day. You may not remember simple details about your child’s life, and therefore seem disengaged with the parenting process from the outside. None of these reasons make you less of a parent, it just alters how you parent.
Ultimately, for those with an invisible disability, they can spend part of their day mentally preparing for outside judgment because people might not know or understand the situation. Outside judgment isn’t a daily occurrence, but when it happens, it stings because you are left feeling inadequate.Read More