Self-Compassion-book-review

Book Review: Self-Compassion

Almost a year ago I recognized I needed to change the relationship I had with myself.

I had a lot of negative emotions with no healthy outlet other than taking it out on myself. I searched online and through my subscription to Audible, I found several books to listen to while I was taking care of Jai.

That’s when I stumbled upon Dr. Kristen Neff’s book Self-Compassion. It was the first book I listened to it because the description spoke to me: finding a way to cope with the debilitating self-criticism I experienced every day. I listened to the book on my way to-and-from therapy, finding that it helped deepen each session.

Since first listening, or “reading” the book, I have found a marked difference in my demeanor and how I respond to negative feelings for myself and even for others. I’ve talked an awful lot about this book throughout my blog, so it was time that I sat down and actually reviewed the book.


What follows is my review of a book I chose on my own. I did not receive any compensation for this review.


Book Information

Title: Self-Compassion, The Prove Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Author: Kristen Neff, Ph.D
Date Published: 2011
Publisher: William Marrow
Pages: 305
Genre: Self-Help
Goodreads Links
Amazon Link (non-affiliate)
Official Book Website


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Treating Chronic Illness with Self-Compassion

This post will be discussing some pretty heavy topics that may be bothersome to some readers. Discussion of self-hatred and self-harm are within this post. Please read responsibly and remember that you are not alone in your journey.


Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve discussed using self-compassion as a means of dealing with a chronic illness, but I haven’t gone into much detail over how and why that will be helpful. A lot of things happen when dealing with a chronic illness or a disease that severely impacts your life. You go through various stages of grief, wishing your life would be normal, and you hopefully get to a point where you accept that “normal” isn’t going to look like everyone else’s.

What happens is a lot of feelings of personal frustration towards the illness and yourself. When this happens, it’s important to treat yourself with a loving acceptance so you can begin to heal emotionally.

Body & Mind Betrayal

The biggest stumbling block is the betrayal of mind and body (dependant on the illness). Our mind doesn’t understand why our body no longer responds in the way it once did. If we were able to go an entire day without needing a break, our mind struggles to accept needing a nap mid-morning otherwise we’d collapse. Often questions such as these come up:

  • Why is my body like this?
  • What could I have done differently?
  • How/did I cause this?
  • Why did it have to be me?
  • Will I ever be healthy or whole again?
  • Why can’t I be like everyone else?

The answer to these questions, if there even is an answer, varies from person-to-person. Some illnesses just need an appropriate medication regimen to return a person to normal, and for others, we will have to adapt to the new normal. When we are able to compare our life now to what our life once was, feeling frustrated, angry, and betrayed by our body is normal.

Normalizing Self-Hatred

I already dealt with self-hatred before I was diagnosed with MS. When I received my diagnosis there was a time where I thought that I deserved it. I was a bad person and bad things like this happen to people like me.

Because I reached to self-hatred as a coping mechanism, I normalized my self-hatred even further.

If you never dealt with self-hatred prior to your diagnosis, you may not have an issue with it now, but there’s a possibility you start feeling hatred for you body post-diagnosis.

That self-hatred may be beyond your control. Some illnesses can change brain chemistry to make you feel and think things that aren’t normal for you. The very act of getting the illness could bring about feelings you’ve never experienced before in your life. I am not saying that everyone will hate themselves, but if you’ve noticed it happening more in your life, it may be because your chronic illness.

It’s important to recognize this happening and finding a way to healthfully manage it.

Working with your body even when it won’t work with you

With some chronic illnesses making meaningful physical and emotional changes can be difficult. Especially if you want to jump from zero to sixty within the next year or so. I am the kind of person who wants to jump fully into a new endeavor without considering logistics or consequences.

Exercise, both mental and physical, is extremely important in managing chronic illness symptoms. It can reduce stress, minimize symptoms, and help your overall perspective – moving you away from feelings of self-loathing. This won’t be a cure-all, but it is a great way to complement the care you are giving yourself as you manage your illness.

Because you know your body better than anyone, even a healthcare provider at times, you know what you are capable of and able to push yourself to do.

That said, sit down with a professional in whichever arena you want to start working on to help guide you through the process:

  • Emotional changes: ask your neurologist or healthcare specialist for a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist recommendation. Chances are they know someone who specializes in your illness so you won’t be playing catch-up with the nuances. If they don’t have one, insurance portals can have a list of recommended professionals.
    • Go in with a plan of what you want to work on. This might be feelings of doubt, depression, self-hatred, frustration, or learning to cope with your new normal. A plan does not need to be strictly followed, but it will give you some direction to get started.
    • Don’t just settle on the first therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist you try out. If you don’t feel comfortable with them or that they aren’t listening to your needs/concerns – move on. You want someone who works with you, not against you. Especially with the mental and emotional work.
  • Physical changes: speak with your healthcare professional for some ideas on an exercise program or prescription for physical therapy. If they aren’t able to provide a cheap/free program recommendation for your situation, get their honest opinion of what you are capable of doing, especially on your own. Use that information in your research.
    • Look at the main awareness website for your chronic illness. Many of them have articles written on exercise recommendations for people in your situation. It’s a great starting point.
    • Look at a local pool for swim classes to get you started. If you have mobility or inflammation issues, the water can help alleviate stress on your body while helping to keep you stable.

Additionally, stick with whatever medication regimen recommended by your healthcare professional. If it’s not working for you or you are having really bad side-effects, bring this information to your doctor. Self-care begins by following peer-reviewed and tested medical practices. It won’t be one-size-fits-all, so you’ll have to make adjustments, but make those adjustments under the guidance of a professional.

The goal in taking these steps is regaining a sense of control over your mind and body. This will help you when you need to engage with self-compassion when you need it.

Treating Chronic Illness with Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is about giving yourself permission to feel bad and have bad days. It’s about being gentle with yourself when getting out of bed is the last thing you can think about. It’s also about pushing yourself a little harder because you know you are capable of completing a task.

Self-compassion is giving ourselves the advice we’d give friends in similar situations. With a chronic illness we’re stuck in our own perspective and sometimes unable to see that we need the love we’d give our friends (and our friends might be giving us).

Creating a mantra, an exercise we practiced in a recent newsletter, to help respond to any doubts or feelings you frequently have will help get you started on your path of self-compassion.

A good starting point is to answer those questions we asked ourselves earlier:

  • Why is my body like this? This is my body with my illness and while I may not have an answer to the “why,” it still takes care of me by functioning.
  • What could I have done differently? Unfortunately, chances are there was nothing I could have done differently. These things happen and it wasn’t my fault.
  • How/did I cause this? (If my illness is based on behavior or exposure from my past, I played a role, but that is in the past.) Chances are, nothing I did caused this, therefore blaming myself is unproductive. My present is now and I will move forward by loving what I am in this moment.
  • Why did it have to be me? Nothing out of our control happens to us to single us out. It happened and the only thing I can do is move forward and take control over my life in whatever way is possible.
  • Will I ever be healthy or whole again? I may never return to what I once was, but I can be healthy and whole in a new capacity. Having a chronic illness does not have to impact my outlook or ability to make changes.
  • Why can’t I be like everyone else? Sameness is overrated. This illness might bring out a part of me I never explored otherwise and I should take advantage and love that about myself.

Self-compassion will not cure your illness, but it can make it easier if you treat yourself kindly as you work through it. I have found that with self-compassion I am able to make more rational decisions about my health and stay motivated when I create a personal goal for myself.

It is important to see ourselves as worthy of our own love, illness and all, because we have so much we can contribute to all around us.

If you’re a subscriber to my newsletter, you’ve already seen some of the content and suggestions I’ve been making for readers. If you aren’t, it’s never too late to sign up and join the challenge.


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Featured photo credit:  Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash


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Self-Compassion and Starting a Personal Growth Journey

A journey begins with a single step, so the first step is making small, manageable life changes. But all journeys have obstacles, especially at the beginning. This is why self-compassion and a personal growth journey work so well together. Self-compassion will help you manage those obstacles and keep you moving forward.

If you made New Year’s Resolutions it’s around this time you might start to feel the pinch and frustration of those resolutions. I wanted to provide some tips and encouragement to help keep you moving along.

At the Start of Your Journey

It’s important to view yourself at the start of every personal growth journey as inexperienced. This may be your second time wanting to get a better job, or dealing with toxic coworkers in a healthy way or even starting that hobby you’ve been too afraid to try. Regardless of what your goal is, it is important to remember that you are brand new to it, regardless of previous experience.

Remember, like your illness, these sorts of journeys vary from person-to-person. If it was easy for you to make these sorts of changes you would just do it without thinking. So while the same goal for someone else can happen for them without thinking, that goal may feel insurmountable to you; likewise, the same person may feel your mundane, no-big-deal task is too much to handle.

By viewing it as though it’s your first time down this road you won’t bring previous baggage with you. Previously, you applied to get that better job before but found that the market stymied your efforts. Instead of letting that discouragement inform your decision whether or not to apply to the job, leave that experience at the door and view yourself as taking this journey for the first time.

If you’ve ever done something competitive: sports or academics, try to remember how it was for you at the very beginning. Hard, right? I remember when I started running many years back how I could barely sustain a run for more than a minute. It was frustrating. But it took practice to build up and improve.

Every journey is always felt harder at the beginning.

Once you get past the hurdles and look back you may find yourself wondering why you thought it was hard. When I look back at where I was years ago, even as recently as last year when I restarted running, I am surprised at how far I’ve come along. Running a minute is no big deal for me now.

Doubt as an Obstacle

I think doubt tends to be our biggest obstacle at the start of the journey. Have you ever hiked a mountain, gotten to the base of the mountain had one of the two experiences: looking up and seeing how high the mountain is and how far you have to go; or not even seeing the mountain because you are far enough away from it that you can’t see your end goal?

Personal growth journeys function in the same way. Either you see how steep and how far away your goal is, or you are so far away that you can’t even begin to see the end of your journey.

It’s at these points that doubt can settle in and everything feels extremely overwhelming. Can I even make these changes? Will I even accomplish my goals? What happens if I fail? Why do I even think I can do this?

Doubt can stop any forward momentum. But what if you use self-compassion and turn that doubt into a motivator instead?

Doubt as a Motivator

I found that using doubt as a motivator helped me so much. When I started this journey to wellness over a year and a half ago, I thought to myself that this was going to be like every other writing-based endeavor I do. I will write my thoughts for a few months, get everything out and then go back to my life.

I found around November 2017 that my interest and motivation lagging in my blog. I only made three posts in total, which was a drastic drop from my normal three posts per week schedule. I started doubting my abilities after only blogging for a month and a half and resigned myself to another personal failure.

Mid-November 2017, I interacted with a person I’ve had a conflict with in the past. After this interaction, I had a lot of complicated feelings that left me frustrated, but in the more positive moments, I actually listened to what was said and more importantly what wasn’t said.

I saw that this person had a lot of self-doubts which drove our complicated interactions. These self-doubts were also preventing them from following their own dreams, dreams that overlapped my own. Unfortunately, their self-doubt and self-sabotage prevented them from pursuing their dreams beyond a certain point.

I saw this as a motivation to move forward.

I recognized the same obstacles in front of myself and was allowing them to block me too. December 2017 rolled around and I felt renewed because I didn’t let the doubt discourage me anymore. I wanted to use it to motivate me to continue forward and succeed.

I doubted I could maintain the blog and so I used that doubt to challenge myself to continue.

Doubt, when put into proper perspective, can be a great motivator.

Self-Compassion and Personal Growth

By using self-compassion, you’ll find success in your personal growth journey.

When those moments of doubt or any negative thoughts and emotions creep into your life: why am I struggling? Why is it so hard this time? I failed last time, I am going to fail this time… remember that this is a fresh journey for yourself.

Some things to help you with self-compassion:

  • Remembering the freshness of the journey, refocusing your thoughts that this is your first time through this journey and therefore wiping previous experiences away so they don’t color your memory, is an act of self-compassion.
  • Actively say to yourself that you are new to this, therefore must take it easy on yourself. If you accept that you are new to this personal growth journey, you will treat yourself as though you aren’t expected to be perfect.
  • Don’t expect to be perfect on this journey. When you are looking to only succeed and don’t embrace the possibility of failure, i.e. don’t get the first job you apply to, you will focus solely on that failure. Rather, look at the mini-failures as learning opportunities so you can know what to change for next time.
  • Turn perceived obstacles into motivators. I focused on doubt with this post, but there may be another personal obstacle that gets in your way: fear, self-sabotage, or comparison to others. Instead of focusing these on negative points that can help stop your efforts, focus on them as ways to push you forward. Afraid of failure? Push through that to prove to yourself that you won’t fail. Afraid of success? Break it down to small tasks so each small success will prepare you for a larger one.
  • Be gentle and acknowledge that you deserve to achieve this goal. If you want to be a less angry person, or able to ignore toxic people around you in the workplace, remind yourself that you deserve to achieve your goal. Anger can prevent you from growing and receiving new opportunities; toxic people can prevent you from feeling like you are able to go out for better opportunities. There is no reason why you cannot allow yourself to have positive things happen in your life, especially if its a goal you’ve created for yourself.

With a chronic illness, as I’ve said before, these sorts of journeys have a little extra challenge. On Wednesday, I will be discussing how to manage self-compassion while coping with a chronic illness.

Have a personal growth goal for your life? Why not start now with your goals, it doesn’t have to be January 1st. Join my newsletter for weekly posts about how to slowly achieve your long-term personal goals.


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Featured photo credit: Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash


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Learning to Love Yourself…

Credit: WP.com at Gfycat.

I am a fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race. In my low emotional moments, Ash reminded me of what RuPaul says to her queens at the close of every episode: “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love anybody else?” I laughed at the reminder, but he was right. Loving myself is a form of self-soothing and a great way to manage my chronic illness.

If I don’t learn to love myself and treat myself right, how am I expected to care for anyone else? An easy form of showing love for ourselves is to engage in the act of self-soothing.

Not Just for Babies

Look up self-soothing on your search engine of choice, and you’ll find tips to teach babies and toddlers to self-soothe. I am in the middle of this milestone as I work with Jai to find appropriate self-soothing techniques. Because of this, it’s fresh in my mind of how important self-soothing emotionally and physically.

At its very core, self-soothing is finding ways to calm ourselves down. Parents are encouraged at the beginning to provide healthy tools for children to care for themselves. Sometimes these techniques carry into adulthood. But some people use less healthy means to soothe, chemicals and unhealthy behaviors can distract from negative feelings.

As we grow older and life experiences get in the way, there is a tendency to forget or dismiss the important stuff we learned as children. If you were never properly trained to healthfully self-soothe, this concept is completely foreign. Rather than looking at self-soothing as something for babies, look at it as a healthy way to manage your emotions with love and compassion.

Self-Soothing for Adults

I still sleep with my childhood teddy bear because it feels weird to not use him as a pillow or cradle him in my arms. It’s something that brings me comfort and helps me fall asleep faster. And as a mother of a toddler, more sleep = more energy in the morning.

I mention this because it’s a form of self-soothing I’ve carried over since childhood.

You may not still have your childhood stuffed animal, or partners might make us feel uncomfortable if we start reaching for childhood comforts, so consider more grown-up techniques to soothe yourself:

  • If you have an oral fixation, consider drinking an herbal tea. Use honey as a sweetener (if you aren’t vegan) as this will help relax you.
  • Grant yourself a few minutes to veg out on your phone, tv, computer, etc. Instead of feeling guilty about it (“I should be doing this…”), set yourself a timer and give yourself permission to escape for a few minutes.
  • Pick up a new hobby that is both fun and stress-free. If you’ve never had the opportunity, consider doing a group painting night or paint ceramics. Make something that you can appreciate and reminds you of the fun you had while creating it.
  • Give yourself a hug. This could be a bath (if your illness allows it), getting a mini-massage, or taking yourself out to coffee.

Self-Soothing as Chronic Illness Treatment

So how can self-soothing help as a chronic illness treatment?

If you recognize warning signs of an attack or feeling overwhelmed, take this time to soothe yourself. While the above section works if you have a chronic illness, there are a few more ideas that are specific to chronic illness:

Because, well, You’re Worth It

The key concept is that you are worth taking the time to care for yourself.

Chronic illness can beat us down and make us feel bad about ourselves.  Sometimes these feelings are a secondary response to the illness or in the case of MS, the illness directly impacting brain function.

Self-soothing is a way to regain control over the uncontrollable situation and saying that I am worth my love. If you struggle with loving yourself, consider taking the baby steps of self-soothing as a means to get to a place where you are able to more actively take care of yourself.

Loving Yourself

Self-soothing boils down to loving yourself and telling yourself on a daily basis that you are worthy of that love. It’s also acknowledging that there will be low points and so you need to take the time to mitigate that.

How do you take care of yourself? What makes you feel better when you are feeling low emotionally? Leave your thoughts and comments below.


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Featured photo credit: Michelle Melton


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Self-Compassion and Chronic Illness

I’ve spoken about self-compassion on the MS Mommy Blog before and what a positive impact it’s had for me as a personal coping tool. When I first read Dr. Kristen Neff’s book, Self- Compassion, I fell in love with the concept as a life philosophy. I recognized that self-compassion and chronic illness go hand-in-hand, and should be recommended by our healthcare professionals as part of our disease management regimen. It’s easy for us to get self-critical when trying to manage our illness that we don’t remember that part of our care should be loving ourselves no matter how “broken” we might feel.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is exactly what it sounds like: taking compassion (i.e. understanding and empathy) and turning it inward. Practicing compassion for ourselves is the first step of successfully being compassionate towards others. If we can love and care for ourselves, we are able to extend that love to others in our life.

Self-compassion is about forgiving ourselves even when we don’t need to: sometimes we take on responsibilities when it’s not warranted. I know I’ve mentally beat myself up over perceived missteps and learned to “forgive” myself so I could move forward mentally and emotionally.

As humans, we suffer. It might as well be the third absolute truth of life: death, taxes, and suffering.

So when we engage in compassion, we are recognizing the suffering and do what we can to help mitigate it for others. Sometimes helping others who are suffering dampens our own suffering, but the caretaker tends to be the one in most need of care.

Treat Ourselves as We’d Treat Others

There’s the golden rule we’re taught as children: treat others as you would want them to treat us. I think we forget that if we don’t’ treat ourselves well, how can we expect others to treat us well?

I know that if I don’t think very highly of myself, I  prone to let others take advantage and bully me. I feel like I deserve it, even if it makes me angry and I lash out in response. Once I began to say to myself: “no, I don’t deserve this treatment,” I found that the negative relationships went away.

And I felt better about myself for it.

Meaningful life changes come when we acknowledge our own importance in the world, something that is hard to do if we’re conditioned to feel unimportant. When we treat ourselves well,  we’ll be able to treat others well.

Tell yourself that you are worthy of your love and see how that alters your perspective.

Self-Compassion and Chronic Illness

So what does self-compassion have to do with chronic illness?

As I’ve previously mentioned in the blog, it’s easy to beat ourselves up and feel massive amounts of disappointment over something we cannot control: our health. Refocusing our anger and frustration to loving and caring for ourselves when we cannot control the situation is a better use of our emotional energy.

If your chronic illness is like mine, undue emotional stress, especially when controllable, leads to attacks. Rather than engaging in the behaviors that put me at risk for an attack, I reject the desire to blame myself and choose to love myself is a means of managing my disease.

An Invaluable Tool for Life

If you don’t have a chronic illness impacting your day-to-day life, engaging in self-compassion is a wonderful way to healthfully handle all that life throws at you. I have found that it’s a tool I wish I used more prior to my diagnosis. My overall satisfaction level with my life is up, which is something I could not say seven years ago.

Looking forward this month, the blog will discuss more in-depth the importance of self-compassion, ways to remember to use it, and reviewing the book Dr. Kristen Neff’s book that started me on this journey.

If you haven’t already, please sign up for the weekly newsletter so you don’t miss Friday’s posts and free materials to help you along your wellness journey this year.


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Featured photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash