A Return & Refocus

I spent the last month prepping and figuring out how to manage our new life in self-quarantine. Learning to adjust with a new normal? Something I’m used to with a Chronic Illness. I got this.

So far, we stayed safe and healthy. We are minimizing travel away from home as much as possible. I’ve reduced our movements more and more, stretching out the time between grocery store trips. 

I am currently going on Day 8 since the last store trip. I am hoping to make it to at least April 20 before needing to go back out again. We’re even minimizing deliveries from major online retailers.

It hasn’t been easy, and because of needing to make adjustments, it took me a while to settle into a new routine that included blog writing. I am hoping that I will be able to blog more frequently now that I have 1: more time and 2: more time.

Keeping Busy in a Pandemic

Keeping busy and focused at this time helps. I’ve taken advantage of the time to work on a couple of my goals for 2020. Back in December, I wanted to figure out a better daily schedule for myself. I’ve talked about finding workable time-management strategies before, and now was the time to hone it.

I understand that this is a unique situation. The daily schedule I set up for myself may not be feasible once we start getting back to it, but maybe if I do it long enough, I will find a way to adjust when things return to normal.

What I did was this: create a color-coordinated block schedule for myself, detailing all the different tasks I wanted to each day of the week. Have I stuck with it 100%? No. But I do try to stick to it as much as possible and be gentle when I get taken away to do a different task. That is key, and this schedule is a guideline to help keep me focused, not something to stress me out.

I also settled on a weekly to-do list. Pulled from Day Designer (not a sponsored link), I make adjustments to the Weekly Planner design every Monday and use that sheet for the whole week. I put down to-do items for the appropriate day as I think about them and then work off of that list for the day.

I find that this keeps me super productive throughout the week. When I feel productive, I feel better, mentally, and emotionally. I still have my moments where I feel particularly stressed over everything. Still, I do feel like I am making the best of the current situation. 

Going with the Flow

If the global slowdown reinforced anything with me, it’s the need to go with the flow. I was unable to focus on my writing during the last month as I prepped my family, managed my health, and figured out what we needed during this time. I decided that I was okay with this because I had to be. My health and my family comes first, and if it meant temporarily sacrificing something, then I would do it

I could either fight what was going on, or I could keep moving forward.

Fighting would mean more stress and frustration. Plus, what is there to fight? My favorite restaurant cannot do dine-in, so why be mad at them? Holding onto that anger of the injustice of it does me no good and only increases my stress. 

When I accept that I am not able to go where I want to go, run with who I want to run with, and do things as I usually do, I feel a less intense emotional pull. 

Yes, this is a frustrating situation. Yes, having feelings of anger are entirely valid and reasonable. But holding onto those feelings without providing a productive outlet only serves to poison me, not help me. Accepting that I have no control over this situation grants me a modicum of control. 

Best Laid Plans…

As a general blog policy, I like to have a theme for the year and sub-themes for each month. It keeps me focused, but allows me to explore different facets of each topic. I had ideas for balance and harmony in 2020, but when the pandemic hit, all was cast aside. I couldn’t focus on themes, research, and writing while preparing.

Now that I’ve found my stride, I still can’t. Not because I don’t want to, but it doesn’t seem appropriate. How can I write about balance and harmony when the whole world, without hyperbole, is out of balance? It looks rather privileged and lacking self-awareness.

So I’ve had to take a step back, for the time being, scrap my original plans and refocus for the next few months.

A Temporary Refocus

For the next few months, I am going to go without a theme. Instead, I am going to be writing about what I am thinking, feeling, and doing at this time. Both as a parent and as a person with a Chronic Illness. I am going to maintain my general position: self-care, self-compassion, and focusing on health.

I am not going to hide from what is going on, but rather embrace it. Some posts will be directly related to the pandemic, and other posts will be pandemic adjacent. As I said above, it’s essential to go with the flow, which is what I will be doing for the time being.

I hope you all are staying safe and healthy at this time and that you do what’s best for you to maintain your mental and emotional health.

Attention to Chronic Illness Bloggers!

The MS Mommy Blog is looking to collaborate with other chronic illness bloggers for this year. If you have a chronic illness blog and would like an opportunity to tap into the MS Mommy Blog audience, please contact me here. I look forward to hearing from you.


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embrace-moderation

Embrace Moderation

Let’s be honest for a minute. It’s hard to embrace moderation sometimes. Some days you want to pile fried food on top of fried food, so you have a mountain of crispy, oily, golden goodness. Or you go out with your friends and decide “I’ve been good with my drinking lately, let’s just go wild and worry about the consequences later.” After each of these incidents, you may say to yourself, “I am eating nothing but salads for the rest of the week,” or “I am never drinking again.” 

You’ve just swung to extremes.

Have you noticed that when you are amid an extreme, how unsettled you feel? As you pile on another onion ring from the buffet, there may be a voice in the back of your mind saying, “maybe you shouldn’t do that?” Or when you accept that third shot, that voice says, “you’re going to regret this in the morning.Likewise, that voice is back there when you are piling on the salad greens, “this is gross, and I am sick of salads.” Or, “I wish I could have just one drink because that cocktail looks delicious.

I think our bodies and minds desire moderation. Having some restraint in our decisions leaves us feeling balanced and in control. When we ignore or drown out the voice suggesting moderation, we throw everything off balance in favor of extreme behavior. Sometimes we don’t recognize it as extreme.  

Moderation isn’t just Physical

In the above examples, I highlighted the physical side of moderation. It’s easy to show the swing of excess to prohibition with food and drink. But consider this: we do the same with emotions and our thinking. We can allow our feelings to overrun our perspectives, so we act out without thinking. Embarrassed or ashamed, we may try to steel ourselves against any future emotional outbursts. We vacillate between overly emotional to stone cold.

Or, we allow specific thoughts to overrun our minds until we are thoroughly stressed out. Then we swing to escaping into watching tv, playing games, or finding some other way not to think.

When we experience uncontrollable thoughts/emotions and move to hyper-restrained thoughts/emotions, that leaves us unsettled just as the physical extremes do. We become off-balance and feel more out of control, despite believing we are getting everything under control.

Remember the last time you were in an “extreme” state? What caused you to swing in the opposite direction, and how did you feel when that happened? Often, the event that triggers the swing is trivial, but our distress is so intense that we over “correct.”

Now think of the times where you felt balanced. It may be a specific area of your life, not all of it. Imagine how you might be deflecting situations that generally cause you to swing back and forth. Do you? Or do you brush these incidents off and keep moving, staying in balance?

That’s moderation, and it’s vital to bring moderation into all aspects of your life to bring yourself more in balance.

Embrace Moderation

In short, moderation couples with mindfulness. I wish I could escape talking about mindfulness, but as I deal with my chronic illness and life changes, I’ve found that being mindful keeps me on the path of moderation and contentment.

Over the last few months, I’ve been working through the lessons that moderation teaches me. I want to share what I’ve learned, what I am currently learning, and what I hope to gain from these lessons for the rest of February.

This year is going to be a year of extremes, so learning to embrace moderation on a mental level will help protect me emotionally and physically for what’s to come. I want to share this insight at the beginning of the year, so understand where we go for the rest of the year.

Attention to Chronic Illness Bloggers!

The MS Mommy Blog is looking to collaborate with other chronic illness bloggers for this year. If you have a chronic illness blog and would like an opportunity to tap into the MS Mommy Blog audience, please contact me here. I look forward to hearing from you.


Like this post? Make sure to follow me on your favorite social media platform and show some love by sharing it. Links found below.

Featured photo credit: Canva


2019-a-reflection

2019: A Reflection

For the past two years, I’ve written a reflection for the last post of the year. Read 2017 here and 2018 here.


2019 was the year of the crucible. I underwent a lot of “lessons” in life; some brought on via self-reflection and others brought on by the natural flow of life. I learned a lot about myself, my capabilities, and where I see myself going in the future. In the three years, I’ve done these posts, it was the most challenging year emotionally, but the easiest year relating to my MS.

The Down Points

  • From October to December, I encountered some of the most challenging months in my adult life. These months rivaled my diagnosis with all the emotional upheaval. I lost Lytton in November, one of my forms of emotional support, while dealing with other challenges at the time. It felt piled on.
  • I continued to do a lot of heavy self-reflection, particularly with my role in my relationships and anger. The self-reflection often left me drained, but I am getting better at managing both. 
  • While I am getting better with my time management, I still struggle to get ahead on my work and stay ahead. With the past few months of upheaval, I’ve fallen drastically behind on several projects. I am struggling to get back into the swing of things. Additionally, I am grappling with being kind to myself because of this lag. I am seeing missed time as time wasted.
  • I am fighting against a victim mentality that crops up when experiencing a downcycle. My cat passed, I am falling behind, I am struggling to achieve goals, etc. – all played into previous internal tapes of “woe was me.” I have moments where I curl up in bed with a book or my phone to escape, but I try to set myself a timer to break out of it and be productive again, even if it’s with one task.
  • This last one needs to be at the end because it straddles a down point and positive point: getting back on my medicationThe down aspects of getting back on Tecfidera: it definitively means Ash and I are stopping with Jai for children, it’s a physical acknowledgment of my MS, and the pain I am about to undergo with the first month of side effects. 

The Positive Points

  • I decided to re-start my medication because I knew it was the right thing to do for my health. By re-starting Tecfidera, I am creating a more significant buffer between my well-being and my MS. It is an insurance policy to help me manage my MS when I have another downcycle of stress/emotional change. It’s also a physical acknowledgment, to myself, that my health is worth it.
  • I rediscovered my love of reading this year. It’s been over ten years since I sat down and read a book for pleasure. While in graduate school, I was afraid of wasting time on pleasure books when I could be doing research. I also found that graduate school temporarily blocked my love of reading because of all the heavy lifting I did. But I vowed to read more for the blog, so I started with audiobooks and graduated back into the physical medium. As I started getting into depths of the emotional upheaval that was this fall, I read more to escape. I found reading to be a soothing distraction, educational at times, and it also sets an excellent example for Jai. I plan to continue to read more in the coming year.
  • While my time-management was less than ideal, I learned that the more organized I am, the more satisfied I feel. I also found that I am less stressed if I have a flexible plan in place. I am less likely to put things off, though I still have my moments of procrastination. If anything, I learned that I am one of those people who benefit from structure, minimalism, and organization.
  • Last year I contemplated the role toxic friendships played in my life while feeling frustrated that a lot of my relationships had harmful elements. I recognized I stacked my friendship cards against me by rejecting or minimally pursuing positive relationships in my life. This year, I opened myself up to new relationships while maintaining my sense of self, something I hadn’t done before. Because of it, current friendships grew more profound, and I made a bunch of new friends along the way. 
  • My running took off this year. I ran in three different states (Florida, Nevada, and Wisconsin), and even PR’d on a half marathon, almost making it below two hours. I officially decided that I would begin the process of qualifying for the Boston Marathon. While I have a long way to go (like running a marathon in the first place), it’s a goal I’ve created for myself to see what I can achieve. I think my running has helped me manage my MS and my emotional well-being, along with getting me in a healthier space.
  • While it hasn’t been my most traveled year, I did get around the country quite a bit for 2019. I traveled to Florida for a Walt Disney World running weekend in January; I went to Las Vegas for my best friend’s birthday in March; and to Wisconsin twice (July & November) to visit with my in-laws. It was a year filled with a lot of new experiences, which I enjoyed very much.
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Embracing Big Changes in Life

At the end of October, I wrote about the prospect of losing Lytton to a mysterious illness. I had hoped to get more time with him as we thought we had a few options to manage his health. But towards the end of November, we had to do the compassionate thing and end his suffering. I learned a lot about embracing big changes in life during that time.

While I consider myself fortunate to have a few weeks to prepare for it, I am still in shock over the quickness he went from healthy to terminally ill. From the first sign of his illness to when we said goodbye was a month and a half. I prepared, but it’s hard to move that fast for such a substantial change.

Yet, significant life changes happen all the time. Our diagnosis. Buying a house. Losing a loved one. Finding someone new to love. The changes discussed in this post are the ones completely out of our control.

Change happens. Sometimes we can prepare ourselves for it, but often we cannot. What we can do is take the time to embrace the change. Regardless of whether you consider the change positive or negative, it’s going to happen regardless of your wishes. Rather than fight it, we find a way to work through it.

How Can Change Help You?

Change can help us, even if it’s unwelcome. I don’t know when I will reach the point where I can sincerely say losing Lytton helped me. Each day, I go through all the stages of grief as I try to move through my new normal.

Yet, I admit that losing him tested the effectiveness of the wellness journey I’ve made over the past few years. I did not need the confirmation that it works. But, the fact that I still haven’t experienced an exacerbation is proof that I am managing healthily. 

Lytton’s death reminded me of the impermanence of life. I pushed death to the back of my mind as something that happens to other people but hasn’t touched me. With that attitude, I did not appreciate everyone around me in the way I do now. I recognize that anyone can leave me permanently, with no explanation. 

Finally, it reminded me that change happens, and I can get through it. The last time I experienced a “negative” life shift was after my diagnosis, almost seven years ago. I regrouped and was eventually able to move forward. 

Change, whether it’s good or bad, can help you discover essential things:

  1. The importance of taking time for yourself. If you experience a life change, negative or positive, take some time to sit with it. 
  2. Self-care, again. The further I get into life, the more confirmation I get surrounding the importance of self-care. Self-care can be in celebration or to help calm oneself after the change.
  3. How resilient we are and why finding ways to adapt is essential. While we must accept an uncontrollable change, we don’t have to roll over. We can find ways to adapt and adjust to change. 
  4. Appreciate life before, during, and after the change. We can recognize what we had before, find ways to enjoy life as it is, and understand what life might be in the future.
  5. Finding the positive in the negative. It might take some time, but there’s always a silver lining even in the negative changes. You might find comfort knowing what’s going on with you, be at peace because a person no longer suffers, or allowed to try a new career opportunity.

Embracing Big Life Changes

The key, I’ve found, is to lean into the uncontrollable changes for better or for worse. There are some changes we can fight for, opportunities we can pursue even if the door keeps shutting. But often, significant changes are out of our hands. We cannot prevent the new direction our life goes in, so we can accept the outcome and find ways to adapt.

The first step is acceptance and embracing the big changes. Finding ways to adapt follow closely behind.

For me, while I would love to run out and find a Bombay kitten similar to Lytton, I am learning to reconnect with our other two cats as a form of acceptance. Lytton was such a significant presence in our household that often, the other two cats functioned like roommates we cared and fed. I am spending more time with them, whether they appreciate it or not, and loving on them.

After my diagnosis, I fought the information, choosing to be ignorant of my MS because it was too painful to acknowledge. Behaving this way did not improve my quality of life. But once I took steps to accept and adapt my reality, I found greater satisfaction with everything.

If there are negative feelings associated with significant life changes, it’s hard to accept and adapt, especially in what we feel is a timely manner. Remember to honor your timetable, but be open to acceptance as your goal once you’ve finished mourning (death or health change). 

Big changes are going to happen in life. We have two options when encountering change: embrace it or reject it. When we embrace the change, it allows us to heal and move forward. When we reject it, it can prolong our dissatisfaction and cause stress.

In the end, the decision is ours how we deal with change.


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Featured photo credit: Canva


assessing-2019-goals

Assessing 2019 Goals

We still have a few more weeks left in 2019, and I can’t believe it. This year flew by a lot faster than I care to admit. I was on the phone with a friend the other day, and they pointed out how close to the holidays we were. I realized I was in denial, but as much as I would like to think there are more weeks left in 2019, we are nearing the end.

To that end, I am trying to get ahead with my goals for 2020. But before I do that, I have to begin the process of assessing how my 2019 went. Before the commotion of the holidays is upon us, I encourage you also to take a few minutes to determine how your 2019 went. It might surprise you and give you a little extra pep going into the holiday.

My Self-Assessment

I created one primary goal and four minor goals that would work to help me achieve my main goal. I decided to keep it simple this year, as I was doing something I’ve never done before: work to stick to my goals.

For those signed up for the newsletter, what I am about to list out isn’t news. I kept my 2019 goals “private” amongst those who follow the MS Mommy Blog newsletter, but at the end of the year, I have no qualms about sharing them now. My primary goal for 2019: to lose 10 pounds over the year. My four minor goals to help me achieve this:

  1. Meal planning
  2. More cross-training
  3. Run a faster half marathon
  4. Work towards being less stressed overall

Surprisingly(?), I found a measure of success in four of my five goals. My primary goal: on January 5th, I recorded my weight at 141 pounds. As of a few days ago, I recorded my weight at 130 pounds, a weight I’ve held steady for several weeks. I had two reasons for the weight loss goal: one, to get me solidly in the healthy weight range according to the BMI. Two, to help me run faster races to help me achieve personal records.

I believe that the success of this primary goal is due to creating four smaller goals that worked towards it. Each one forced me to be mindful of my eating and exercise habits, and working towards a faster half marathon meant I needed to pull my weight down.

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