where-to-start-with-self-compassion

Where to Start with Self-Compassion

There is a lack of control when it comes to a chronic illness. For many of us, that lack of control gets frustrating and lead us to take our frustrations out on ourselves and those closest to us. True, society doesn’t blame us for feeling frustrated, but I hate feeling like I am mad at everyone, the world, and myself. I had to figure out where to start with self-compassion to help feel better about myself.

I am not going to be discussing anything groundbreaking, but I do want to spend this post detailing ways you can start the process to love yourself in spite of your chronic illness. The person most in need of love is yourself and I want to give you permission to do so.

Chronic Frustration & Struggles

Chronic illnesses lead to feelings of frustration with self beyond the normal struggles people face daily. Some typical struggles may be:

  • Figuring out what is wrong
  • Knowing what’s wrong and not knowing/wanting to deal with it
    • I know that this is an attack, but I really don’t want to go to through the doctor hassle to deal with it. Maybe it will calm down after a few days…
  • Feeling singled out with symptoms
    • Karen has the same illness as me and she seems to be doing better than me. That’s so unfair.
  • Frustration over limitations brought on by the illness
    • I took it easy yesterday so I could do a bunch of stuff today, but I still feel like I was hit by a semi-truck

This is just the tip of the iceberg for frustrations and struggles, but they are very real and impact how we live our lives. Our thoughts hold so much sway over how we act and interact with the world. When we listen to the frustrations and give into perceived limitations, it can impact how we manage our illness and possibly the degree the illness affects us.

We may direct our anger towards ourselves because we feel like we have no one else to blame. We may not want to take it out on loved ones because it’s not their fault. We also may not have anyone to talk to, despite having a possible support group, because chronic illness feels so isolating.

Feeling out of Control

All of this is to say, there’s a complete lack of control over what is going on when dealing with a chronic illness. You may have your illness so well-managed with medication, complementary therapies, and wellness-based living that you feel in complete control of your situation. But all it takes is one slip up, like a bit of unknown gluten slipping in your diet, or just life throwing an unplanned curveball for an attack to arise and make you feel completely out of control.

That’s the problem with chronic illnesses: there isn’t always a concrete reason for the attacks or symptoms. What minimally affects one person may be completely overwhelming for yourself. When I first received my diagnosis I couldn’t help but feel like the universe had it out for me and was so frustrated by the lack of control over my symptoms and disease.

What many of us want in our chronic illnesses is to control the uncontrollable.

An unproductive way to feel in control is to focus negativity inward. Some of us feel a lot of self-loathing and act on that in unhealthy ways, while others may just want to be down on themselves because it’s a “go-to” coping mechanism.

Where to Start with Self-Compassion

Some ways to begin incorporating more self-compassion in your life:

  • Recognizing the moments when you are unnecessarily harsh on yourself. I know that these moments can happen at the most random times for myself, but are highest just before or in the middle of an MS exacerbation.
  • Once those moments are identified, just start saying to yourself “it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m only human and that’s okay.” Come up with a silly, but the memorable mantra that works for you. Positive forms of humor may help shake you out of your feelings of frustration.
  • Talk to yourself like you are soothing a small child. This isn’t a condescending practice, for many of us, there is an inner child needing special love and attention. If you never received guidance on how to speak with a hurt child, think about what you would want a grown-up to say to you when you were younger.
  • Seriously consider looking into therapy for yourself. Sometimes the hurts run too deep that you need an objective third party to sit down and speak with you and provide positive guidance in your journey. Using therapy isn’t defeat, it’s using tools available to you. Ask if they promote self-compassion.

Beginning to see your Self-Worth

The first, and hardest, step you will need to take is acknowledging the following: I am worth loving myself. I am worth caring for myself. I am worth forgiving myself if I feel like I need to.

When you mentally accept that you are worthy of love, particularly your love, you begin a journey down a healing path. You will start to see things differently: relationships, perspective, life-management; all will shift into a more positive and healthy space.

You will get push back and that will be hard.

That’s why saying “I’m worthy” is the first step in the self-compassion journey. When it’s time to care for yourself because someone or something hurt you, you already know that you are worthy of that self-care. You can own your decisions as being what’s best for you, and curtail internal concerns that you are responsible for others.

I have found caring about what others think and how they respond to me puts me in an unhealthy mental space. Saying that I am worthy of positive interactions helped me phase out negative individuals with minimal guilt. The guilt is still there because that’s still ingrained, but I no longer back-track and allow the negativity back into my life.

Do you see your self-worth? What works for you to see it?  Leave your thoughts and suggestions below.


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Featured photo credit: Tim Mossholder on Unsplash


roadblocks-with-a-chronic-illness

Overcoming Roadblocks with a Chronic Illness

If you are taking this journey to wellness with a chronic illness, an understandable first concern will be: what about the normal roadblocks I encounter with my illness? What if I have a flare-up and cannot do anything for weeks time so it sets me back?

These are valid concerns and I am here to tell you that it will be okay when that happens.

Despite my best efforts, I still get mild MS flare-ups throughout the year. Because of my blog, I’m more aware that during the transitional times of the year, spring into summer, summer into fall, I am more likely to have some form of a flare-up.

These flare-ups can set me back a day, a few days, a week, and in one extreme case, a few months (though that’s been a while). 

I have learned to accept that these flare-ups are normal and move forward in my journey in spite of them.

New Journey; New Frustrations

Whenever starting a new journey there’s always moments of self-doubt. Will I succeed? What will the success look like? What would failure look like? How do I avoid failure?

There are always a ton of questions. When dealing with personal goals that require us to do extra work, such as adding in an extra walk for the day, looking over a boring task that you’ve been avoiding, or working through a particularly emotional part of your life; it’s easy to get stuck and want to avoid dealing with it altogether.

That’s part of the problem, something gets frustrating so we put it off and then we get discouraged and the cycle continues. Adding in a chronic illness where things happen out of our control adds an additional layer of frustration.

Chronic Attacks!

In the Multiple Sclerosis communities, we have many different names for when the illness/disease takes over: flare-up, exacerbation, and my personal favorite, the relapse. If you have another autoimmune disease, chronic illness, or personal wellness roadblock, you might have a different name for it.

To avoid confusion, let’s just call it an “attack.”

Attacks happen. You know they are going to happen and that might be discouraging, but it’s part of your normal like it or not. We might as well take a moment and embrace it. Our normal is not the same as anyone else’s normal. Let’s be honest: no one’s “normal” is like anyone else’s with or without a chronic illness.

The best thing we can do in these situations is to recognize that attacks will happen and prepare ourselves for dealing with them effectively. If you know what triggers an attack and how to manage it, then make a game plan.

Make the Changes Anyway

Since we know roadblocks with a chronic illness are going to happen anyways, there’s never going to be a good time to make the wellness changes you’ve been wanting to make. That’s why now is the time to make those changes regardless.

I would love to have a day where I don’t deal with any fatigue so I can do my yoga or respond to a bunch of emails that end up taking several hours. But I won’t get that day and if I do, I cannot plan for it. Chronic illness never allows me to fully plan when and if things get done.

If I want to do yoga or be productive, I have to make those changes regardless. Roadblocks with a chronic illness are normal, so it makes sense to accept them and work with the roadblocks when it comes time to start a wellness journey.

It sounds like I am saying “just do it,” and on the surface level, I am. But what is different is how you approach the “just do it” attitude. I am reducing a very complicated situation down to changing perspective because that’s the first step in a very difficult and very personal journey.

It’s all a Matter of Perspective

If you’ve been in the middle of your illnesses long enough, it’s easy to forget what it’s like to have a “normal” life. Concerns for attacks can rule your days, so you forget how different concerns would interfere with those who don’t cope with a chronic illness.

A car breaking down can take someone out of commission for weeks at a time, like an episode for us. Twisting an ankle might keep a person from exercising for a week until they recover, just like an attack.

Sure, we have the added concern the same things that happen for “normal” people happening to us PLUS dealing with an attack, but the point is –  everyone has things that can bring up a roadblock and stymie all progress made when trying to live a wellness-based life.

Maintaining the perspective that there is always a concern for an attack, but focusing on it ending (even though you don’t know when) and finding small ways to work around it will keep you going. Obviously, some attacks will prevent you from moving forward because if you are bedridden and there may be little you can do to adjust. However, if you are bedridden but able to lift a weight, even if it’s a book for a couple of repetitions, the very act of doing something may be enough to help keep you going.

Adjust your perspective to see that you are not alone because everyone has roadblocks, and that your roadblocks just look a little different than others.

Roadblocks with a Chronic Illness

As you begin your wellness journey, expect the roadblocks or attacks to happen, and embrace them. I am not recommending leaning into them to make excuses, but say to yourself: well, this is going to happen and I can’t necessarily change it, so I might as well work around these roadblocks to bring about a positive change in my life.

I cannot guarantee it because I am not a healthcare professional, but there’s a chance recognizing these attacks as normal and adjusting your perspective to be prepared for them might help lessen the attacks when you get them. It may never prevent them and what damage/time taken away from your life, but when you are ready for something you know how to effectively deal with it.

I have found that I’ve shortened the length of my attacks when I am prepared and don’t allow the attacks to discourage me or my progress. I tend to have an attitude of “well this is an annoyance, but I clearly need to slow down because I am overworking my body in some way.”

This suggestion and method of approach are not “one-size-fits-all” but if you’ve never tried to prepare yourself for these attacks in mind, it would be worth trying to account for them over the next couple of weeks.

For Wednesday, look for a post on how to begin the process of planning for and accounting for roadblocks.


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Toddler Life Lessons

This post was originally published August 2018.


Toddlers are too young to understand deep, philosophical lessons. They are too young to understand moral quandaries. They are too young to really grasp right from wrong.

As parents, we know that just because they can’t understand it, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be taught. I feel like this is a “no, duh” moment many parents are saying to themselves right now.

Yet an issue I run into as I parent Jai with Ash is knowing what lessons to teach and how best to teach them. Questions I ask myself on a daily basis: is this something worth correcting Jai on? How do I correct him, with a warning or straight to time out? Should I follow the mainstream recommendation or go with my instinct?

A mentor once told me years ago, well before I met Ash, that you are never truly prepared to have a child. So if you want to have one, you have to just jump in and learn as you go. It won’t be easy, but the payoff will be worth it in the end when you have a functioning, well-adjusted adult that wants to have a relationship with you after they’ve moved out of the house.

But in order to achieve this, I have to begin training Jai to be polite, thoughtful, a good listener, able to share, and comfortable with adults as a toddler. The list is a bit longer than that, but those are the main concerns I have on a daily basis with a toddler.

As I am training Jai, I have to be mindful of several things: I’m an adult, what battles to pick and being humble throughout the whole experience.

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Organizing the Family Schedule

Creating a schedule for yourself is one thing. But scheduling the whole family? It can be like herding cats, particularly if several members of the family have different schedule styles or rarely check the family calendar.

In our house, Ash and I approach scheduling differently. While we have a shared calendar, how we maintain it differs. This doesn’t cause conflict, but we had a conversation a few weeks ago over how I schedule things does not work for him and vice versa. It was an interesting conversation and gave me more insight into how his internal logic works.

Communication is key to any relationship, so setting up a family schedule that everyone has access to and can update helps keep everything straight to avoid conflict and double-booking.

Analog or Digital Calendars: Why Not Both?

We have several different ways we highlight the month’s schedule in our household: analog and digital. In our closet, we have a hanging whiteboard that I update every month with the main activities going on in the household. Ash’s roleplaying games, Jai’s playdates, my appointments.

This helps me plan out my day as I am getting dressed. Do I wear nice clothes for that appointment/coffee date? Or do I spend the day in comfortable clothes because we’re staying home all day?

It allows for quick reminders and conversations that we might need to have in the morning before Ash leaves for work or I go for my morning run.

Digitally, Ash and I have a family calendar that we share together that contains the events pertaining to the family as a whole. Additionally, we keep separate calendars for our own activities, but we mutually share them so we’re aware of each other’s schedules.

Ash put down a reoccurring event in his calendar that highlights two days each week he can help me out should I need it. That way, if I am in the middle of setting up an appointment, but know that Ash will be the only one to watch Jai during that appointment, I can schedule it for a day that won’t conflict the most with his work schedule.

Likewise, Ash knows when he’s able to schedule is medical and social events around me because he can see everything on the family and my personal calendars. Once Jai is old enough, he’ll gain access to and control over his own calendar which will sync with ours so he can be responsible for his own activities.

It seems like common sense, but I’ve seen in several different parenting forums about the struggle of maintaining a common calendar between partners and children. It can be hard to set up, but if using a digital platform, easy to maintain.

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Purging Clutter

The hardest part of any clean: the purging of clutter.

So many things turn into clutter, even things that you wouldn’t normally consider: sentimental items, books, or stuffed animals. It’s like the gardener’s philosophy surrounding weeds: it’s only a weed if you consider it one or it chokes out other plants. It’s only cluttered if it gets in the way and you don’t want it.

The Difficulty with Purging Items

Why purge items? Besides the obvious answer: purging items helps clear out mental clutter as well. I find that I am so much happier when I have a cleaner space, free of unnecessary papers and items.

The issue is deciding what to get rid of and what to keep/store.

I have a slight attachment to items that have a perceived sentimental value. I have three bottles of wine I still haven’t opened that I bought just after I moved South 10 years ago. I have two bottles of wine I bought 6 years ago when I visited my hometown in New England. I just can’t bring myself to open these bottles because of what they represent: the beginning of a new journey and goodbye to an old one.

But they are taking up space and at this point, if they aren’t vinegar, I can’t imagine they will taste good. We aren’t talking about quality bottles of wine.

I am not ready to make a decision about these bottles because they aren’t taking up enough space to be troublesome. Should I need to make space, then I will have to consider drinking them or dumping the contents and repurposing the bottles if I need that sentimental reminder.

But I have plenty of other items in the house that needs to be purged: clothing, toys, books, memorabilia to name a few.

Before Jai was born I went through a massive purge throughout the house in order to make room for his stuff. I knew it would be the first of several, so it felt good to watch the trash bags pile up on the curb for collection and Ash leaving with a car filled with donation boxes. I hoped to do my second purge in the spring after Jai was born, but I wasn’t able to get to it.

Now that he’s almost two, it’s time to consider making another massive purge, which should be easier to do because I already did one round. This time I will have to get rid of Jai’s old clothing, toys, and utility items that he no longer needs. I have everything mostly organized so that part should be easy, but deciding which toys should go will be difficult. That’s where having a system helps me make the more difficult decisions.

Creating a Simple System

When I am setting out to do a mini-purge I unceremoniously create three different vessels to hold my items: a garbage bag for items to be tossed, a random box for items to be donated, and a catch-all area for items to be stored or put away. When I am more organized, like when I was pregnant, I create bins to put each of these items so Ash can pick through them to see if I correctly categorized his stuff that might be mixed in.

I find big, clear, plastic totes work best. Their size helps hold more stuff, but easy to pick through and move from room-to-room if need be. Additionally, they are great to be repurposed as storage containers for the items being stored. I label each bin:

  1. To Keep and Store/put away
  2. To Donate
  3. To Trash/Recycle

Scheduling purges in small doses help keep me focused, just like my massive cleaning sessions.  I try not to spend more than 10 seconds on each item. If I am not sure in that moment I will set it aside and move on. If I find another item that is similar and I am able to make a quick decision about it (usually toss/donate) then I will return to that previous item set aside and make a similar decision. The goal is to have less “unsure” items at the end of each session than before I started.

My Favorite Tips

These are some of my favorite tips for working through a successful clutter purge:

  • I spend no more than 10 seconds on each item to decide whether I want to keep, donate or trash it. Some stuff is easy, for the more difficult items I will set aside to decide later.
  • If I am struggling to decide on a sentimental item at the end of my session, I will put it in a fourth box: this box is meant to be placed in an unobtrusive spot for 6 months. If I don’t reach in the box for the item in those 6 months, nor do I think about it, then I can seriously consider getting rid of it. I take a picture if it’s really important so I can have that instead of the physical object.
  • If an item has utility value, I ask if I will need it within the next 3 months. If no, then I donate/toss the item, otherwise, I store the item until I need it.
  • If I have multiples of an item and I only need one, I will keep the “nicer” version which is usually the newer version or I organize the items so I use the old stuff first. If an item is unopened, but I know Ash or my parents can use it, I give them the option to take it otherwise it gets donated.
  • Getting rid of important paperwork: I purchase a “year” box from a popular store that sells containers and organizing helpers. This box has the current year marked all over it, so I know what year the items were put into it. I write this note on top of it: “important paperwork to be destroyed December 31, (year).” The year is always 3 years from the current year (i.e. if the box says 2018, I am going to destroy the box contents in 2021).
  • I try to remember that we have the internet, so if I do get rid of something and I regret it, I have the means to find it again from someone. This is particularly helpful with books, especially cookbooks. My next purge will probably include all my cookbooks because I rarely crack those open anymore (though I will save my novelty cookbooks). I find that I search online for all my recipes because it’s more convenient for me.

What are some of the ways you purge your unwanted items, especially when you have something it’s hard to get rid of? Comment with your tips and stories regarding how your item purge sessions go below.


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Featured photo credit: Michelle Melton Photography