Embracing Big Changes in Life

At the end of October, I wrote about the prospect of losing Lytton to a mysterious illness. I had hoped to get more time with him as we thought we had a few options to manage his health. But towards the end of November, we had to do the compassionate thing and end his suffering. I learned a lot about embracing big changes in life during that time.

While I consider myself fortunate to have a few weeks to prepare for it, I am still in shock over the quickness he went from healthy to terminally ill. From the first sign of his illness to when we said goodbye was a month and a half. I prepared, but it’s hard to move that fast for such a substantial change.

Yet, significant life changes happen all the time. Our diagnosis. Buying a house. Losing a loved one. Finding someone new to love. The changes discussed in this post are the ones completely out of our control.

Change happens. Sometimes we can prepare ourselves for it, but often we cannot. What we can do is take the time to embrace the change. Regardless of whether you consider the change positive or negative, it’s going to happen regardless of your wishes. Rather than fight it, we find a way to work through it.

How Can Change Help You?

Change can help us, even if it’s unwelcome. I don’t know when I will reach the point where I can sincerely say losing Lytton helped me. Each day, I go through all the stages of grief as I try to move through my new normal.

Yet, I admit that losing him tested the effectiveness of the wellness journey I’ve made over the past few years. I did not need the confirmation that it works. But, the fact that I still haven’t experienced an exacerbation is proof that I am managing healthily. 

Lytton’s death reminded me of the impermanence of life. I pushed death to the back of my mind as something that happens to other people but hasn’t touched me. With that attitude, I did not appreciate everyone around me in the way I do now. I recognize that anyone can leave me permanently, with no explanation. 

Finally, it reminded me that change happens, and I can get through it. The last time I experienced a “negative” life shift was after my diagnosis, almost seven years ago. I regrouped and was eventually able to move forward. 

Change, whether it’s good or bad, can help you discover essential things:

  1. The importance of taking time for yourself. If you experience a life change, negative or positive, take some time to sit with it. 
  2. Self-care, again. The further I get into life, the more confirmation I get surrounding the importance of self-care. Self-care can be in celebration or to help calm oneself after the change.
  3. How resilient we are and why finding ways to adapt is essential. While we must accept an uncontrollable change, we don’t have to roll over. We can find ways to adapt and adjust to change. 
  4. Appreciate life before, during, and after the change. We can recognize what we had before, find ways to enjoy life as it is, and understand what life might be in the future.
  5. Finding the positive in the negative. It might take some time, but there’s always a silver lining even in the negative changes. You might find comfort knowing what’s going on with you, be at peace because a person no longer suffers, or allowed to try a new career opportunity.

Embracing Big Life Changes

The key, I’ve found, is to lean into the uncontrollable changes for better or for worse. There are some changes we can fight for, opportunities we can pursue even if the door keeps shutting. But often, significant changes are out of our hands. We cannot prevent the new direction our life goes in, so we can accept the outcome and find ways to adapt.

The first step is acceptance and embracing the big changes. Finding ways to adapt follow closely behind.

For me, while I would love to run out and find a Bombay kitten similar to Lytton, I am learning to reconnect with our other two cats as a form of acceptance. Lytton was such a significant presence in our household that often, the other two cats functioned like roommates we cared and fed. I am spending more time with them, whether they appreciate it or not, and loving on them.

After my diagnosis, I fought the information, choosing to be ignorant of my MS because it was too painful to acknowledge. Behaving this way did not improve my quality of life. But once I took steps to accept and adapt my reality, I found greater satisfaction with everything.

If there are negative feelings associated with significant life changes, it’s hard to accept and adapt, especially in what we feel is a timely manner. Remember to honor your timetable, but be open to acceptance as your goal once you’ve finished mourning (death or health change). 

Big changes are going to happen in life. We have two options when encountering change: embrace it or reject it. When we embrace the change, it allows us to heal and move forward. When we reject it, it can prolong our dissatisfaction and cause stress.

In the end, the decision is ours how we deal with change.


Like this post? Make sure to follow me on your favorite social media platform and show some love by sharing it. Links found below.

Featured photo credit: Canva

Advertisements

managing-grief-chronic-illness

Managing Grief with Chronic Illness

“I know that the ones who love us will miss us.”

Keanu Reeves, on what happens after death

Over the past two weeks, I’ve faced an emotion I haven’t dealt with in years. I’ve written about grief before, in the context of coping with a chronic illness diagnosis, but I haven’t reflected on physically losing someone. Relationships come and go, and we mourn losing our connection to a friend, but when death enters the picture, there is a finality to the whole situation we cannot come back. Living with a chronic illness means a strong emotional episode can trigger an exacerbation. That can set us back days, weeks, or even months.

So how do we manage an emotion like grief? 

It’s difficult, because there’s no right way for each person. There are healthy ways to manage grief and unhealthy ways. With a chronic illness, we must find the healthiest way to manage our grief to protect our wellbeing. What shape that takes depend on ourselves.

My Grief

For now, no one is dead in my life. But I have the opportunity to prepare for the death of a loved one. Death can surprise us, or we can have the grace of a timeline. My cat, Lytton, is undergoing some major health concerns. I’ve had Lytton for over ten years, and he’s a significant presence in my life. While he is eleven, I always assumed I would have more time with him.

With each emergency visit and specialist conversation, we are left with the feeling that the end is coming sooner than expected.

Knowing that one of my sources of emotional comfort and napping buddy may soon pass has thrown me headlong into the grieving cycle. I’ve had to reassess priorities and recognize the impact grief will have on my MS if I am not careful.

What follows are some thoughts I’ve had surrounding death and loss. 

Another Thing Chronic Illness Takes…

Chronic illness takes away our ability to grieve in the manner we wish. We can grieve however we want, without regard to our disease, absolutely. But if we have people who depend on us, or we don’t want to deal with a problematic exacerbation, we must keep one eye open to our health.

We must contain and manage our grief.

I am not suggesting “suck it up” or “get over it,” attitudes. No, grieve as long as needed in the necessary form. But be aware of what you are doing and how it might impact your health. Grief is stressful, and if we allow that stress to overwhelm us, we can make ourselves sick.

In the most profound moments of grief, we often do not care about our health. Nothing matters except the loss. Despite how it feels, the intensest moments of pain will pass, and our lives will return to the new normal without the individual. Should we stop taking care of ourselves during our period of grieving, and that helps intensify an exacerbation, the effects of the flare-up may be lifelong. 

To reframe what I mean through an example (this is for illustrative purposes, it hasn’t happened): I allow myself to get so worked up over Lytton’s death that I get an exacerbation. This leads me to lose function of my leg due to numbness, and I must be hospitalized for intervenous steroids. While I have Relapse-Remitting MS, it doesn’t guarantee my leg functionality goes back to 100%. Instead, I leave the hospital with a permanent 80% functionality of that leg. I can no longer achieve the specific goals I had for myself, and I must adapt my life to a new normal. 

I may grieve for Lytton’s death over several years, but I potentially have at least thirty more years to go beyond that. For the few months of intense emotional grief, by not taking preventative measures to balance my health and despair, I’ve impacted the rest of my life. Additionally, Jai loses his mother while I am in the hospital, and I’ve permanently reduced my ability to interact with him. 

I will probably feel guilty for not taking care of myself, needing to be hospitalized, and the impact of the exacerbation on my overall health. All three stemming from a situation where I could have prevented the flare-up through self-care.

Note: with autoimmune/chronic illness, we cannot prevent our flare-ups. They will happen when they happen. We can, however, take steps to minimize them from occurring. It’s remembering to take these steps while grieving to help prevent or lessen the impact of an exacerbation.

Read More

Now What? Beyond the Diagnosis

This post was originally published in March 2018.


On Wednesday I published a deeply personal post about the first couple of months after getting my MS diagnosis and how I went through the coping and grieving process. Because it was an emotionally charged post, I wanted to balance it out with a post about finding acceptance and the healthy ways I’ve tried to manage my MS both physically and mentally.

First, let’s get this out-of-the-way: Any changes made you have to want for yourself and they will occur in the amount of time appropriate for you.

Do not let people, myself included, tell you that you have to make changes in a specific timeline or before you are ready.

Do not read this post and feel like you aren’t doing enough to manage your grief or your diagnosis. You are unique and different from me and that’s okay.

You will make the changes when you are ready.

Despite this, there are things I cannot recommend:

  • Staying stagnant and giving up
  • Engaging in self-destructive behavior
  • Refusing to be open to new experiences

In my last post, I engaged in all of the above behaviors at one time or another, so when I say I cannot recommend them, I say it from personal experience. If you find that you are engaging in one, some, or all of these behaviors, it means you are still working through your grieving process.

That’s okay, but ideally, you want to move beyond the grief at some point because it brings personal peace that makes the pain and frustration more manageable.

So what does it mean to transition into acceptance?

Read More


The First Couple Days…Weeks…Months…


This is a conversation I wish someone gave me when I first received my diagnosis. While it is tailored specifically to MS, I hope some of the thoughts are universal enough for any difficult medical diagnosis.

CW: Discussion of suicide, self-harm, and depression within this post. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, please contact Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you are in crisis, text CrisisTextLine to connect with a crisis counselor. You are not alone.


After I got my MS diagnosis I went through a period of shock and relief. I was shocked that it was MS but relieved to finally have an answer. Ultimately, the shock overpowered the feelings of relief and I found that my emotions spiraled out of control.

I don’t remember the first couple days, I think I was numb from trying to process the information: it was like finding out a loved one had died. Every couple of minutes I’d get distracted enough to forget, but as soon as I turned my mind to it, my heart sank and it felt devastatingly fresh again.

The numbness I felt was me unable and unwilling to process the news. 

I was aware of MS since High School because my art teacher had it. I remember my mom telling me about MS, explaining why my teacher may seem fatigued or snappy towards the end of an afternoon class. I also remember sitting in the art room, watching my teacher gush about Cezanne and thinking two things to myself: one, “Oh god, I hope I never get MS;” and two, “it would be the end of my life if I ever got it.”

I was wrong on both thoughts. I may have MS, but my life isn’t over.

So You Have MS

Welcome to Club MS where no one wants membership. 

Right now you’re searching online for meaning and information. There is a lot of information out there and I understand that this post is going to add to the noise. I wrote a simplified post about MS, but I recommend checking out the NMSS for thorough information on the disease if you want specific medical details about MS.

I am not going to offer advice on how to cope with the news of the diagnosis, but provide insight into what I went through to normalize your experience to a certain extent. While working through a diagnosis is unique to each individual, there are certain aspects to the process that is universal. You are not alone in this journey.

There’s a good chance you will go through a range of emotions like I did. Hopefully, relief will be one of them because there is a sense of calm with finally having an answer to what is going on with your body. It makes what is intangible – tangible. What was presumed to be just in your head is now externally acknowledged by a medical professional.

These feelings of relief probably won’t comfort you past the first 48 hours or so. But it is something to keep in the back of your mind for later as you move through your coping process.

The next set of emotions may be frustration and betrayal.

I was frustrated that my body was attacking itself but equally betrayed by it. Here I was, at the end of my 20’s looking at a lifetime of disease; where Ash would have to take care of me if I progressed past a certain point; and I would be a physical, mental, and emotional drain to all of my loved ones.

As a younger person, the idea of having a disease or getting sick was something that happened to other people. I took what was presumed perfect health for granted. I remember thinking to myself: I lived my life relatively well, I was a good person, I did what I was supposed to, why is my body punishing me? What wrongs was I atoning for? This does not happen to good people.

I sank into a deep depression. I was completely lost about what I was facing, how I would face it, and how I would get through it. I felt completely selfish because I could only think about myself. I couldn’t and didn’t want to think about anyone else.

I went to a very dark place and stayed there for several months. There were moments where I was suicidal over the whole situation. If I killed myself, I would regain control of an out-of-control situation. More importantly, I would be able to remove myself from Ash’s life and no longer be a burden to him. The sooner I did it, the sooner he could move on and find a healthier partner.

I never acted on it, never made any serious plans. Instead, I pushed it down the road: if I start to be a burden for my loved ones – then I would do something about it.

I am not saying, nor am I recommending entertaining these thoughts, but by pushing the desire back it helped give me the clarity to healthfully resolve my thoughts on the matter and get to a point where suicide was no longer a viable option at any point in time.

It was around this point that I realized I was going through a form of grieving after getting the diagnosis. Grieving a medical diagnosis for yourself is, in fact, normal. It helped contextualize what I felt in the months after my diagnosis. It also helped me move through the stages more effectively because I now knew what I was experiencing was normal.

Read More