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Reaching Out to Others

I struggle to ask for help. Ash will tell you that he has to drag it out of me when he knows I am struggling. I will get frustrated in those moments and give into his offers for help. Here’s how bad I am: when I was pregnant with Jai, I refused to ask for help even when I needed it. I had something to prove, mainly to myself, that I wasn’t helpless. While being independent isn’t a bad thing, learning to be okay with reaching out to others is equally important.

It’s humbling when I admit I need help. It feels like a weakness when I do. I am not imagining it either, American culture does not encourage asking for help. With the reemergence of the “bootstrap” narrative, it can lead us to feel awkward when we want to ask for help. Individually, Americans are happy to help those around them. But looking on a broader scale, Americans tend to prop up those who find success with minimal help.

This can lead to the rest of us feeling judged anytime we need to get help.

It would be nice to do everything on our own, but with a chronic illness, that’s often impossible.

Chronic Illness & Asking for Help

Having a chronic illness means we will need to ask for help at some point. It may be from family, friends, or healthcare providers. When we ask for help, we are performing an act of self-care.

But getting to the point where we can ask for help is the trick. Often, we’re dealing with an invisible illness. When we reach out for help, and we know we don’t look/act sick, it can feel like we’re being unreasonable. For myself, I feel like I am taking advantage.

If I need help from anyone, I will bumble out justifications why I need the help. I often feel like others won’t understand, or I need to remind them that I have a chronic illness. At times, I feel like I manage my MS so well, that others forget I even have it. So when I need help, I am coming from a place of “they will think I am taking advantage of them,” or “they will think I don’t really need the help.”

I recognize that I am being unfair to others when I take this attitude. I am not trusting that they will understand or that they don’t remember. People remember I have MS when I tell them. It also comes from a space of not believing others when they say, “let me help you.”

Learning to be “Okay” with Help

It is okay to ask for help. For the most part, you know what you are capable of doing. So when there comes a time where you need to reach out to others, do it.

But if you ask for help, show appreciation for whatever help you receive. I have helped others, and sometimes I receive an insult in place of gratitude. You may find it’s a similar situation when you ask for help: you feel vulnerable, and when you do, you may be slow to express your gratitude. But you want to preserve your friendship and be able to ask those people for help again.

Be sure to express your appreciation. Be okay with asking for help. Work on releasing any feelings of vulnerability and look at getting help as a sign of your inner strength.

You Are Not Alone

Coping with a chronic illness is a lonely affair. Your symptoms, your struggles, your victories, they are all internal fights for the most part. These battles become hidden from the outside world. It makes dealing with a chronic illness one of the loneliest journeys you’ll make in your life.

But you are not alone.

There are support groups out there relating to your illness, online and in-person. If you are uncomfortable with the support group dynamic, you can always read blogs and lurk in forums. You can find connections out there and similar stories/struggles to your situation.

The more you reach into these safe spaces for your illness, the more comfortable you should become in recognizing that there is normalcy with your disease. When you normalize your experience, it should be easier to reach out to others to help you. You see that getting help is part of the disease and there’s no shame in doing that.

Help Others Help You

In September, I reflected on the need some people have to help you cope with your illness. You can always say “no” to their help, but sometimes they are insistent, and you do need them.

To be clear, you are under no obligation to allow people to help you if you don’t want it. But sometimes it is easier to give in to the insistence and let them help.

In these scenarios, have a pre-set list of things you are willing to receive help on. It may be driving you to appointments, meeting for social interactions over coffee/tea, or dropping a pre-made meal off. By having an “okay” list to draw from, you won’t compromise your values, and you won’t be left struggling to find something for your friend to do.

It’s hard to accept help from others, but we cannot pretend we are an island. Sometimes it’s essential to reach out to others and let them help us cope with our chronic illness.


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Featured photo credit: Canva

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Setting Reasonable Long-Term Goals

One of the hardest parts of having a chronic illness is the uncertainty that comes with it. How long will my attacks last? How long do I have before I get permanently worse? What’s the point in setting reasonable long-term goals if I don’t even know what’s going to happen tomorrow?

It’s very easy to go to a negative place with a chronic illness. Even today, after feeling settled about my diagnosis and where I am in life, I have moments where I get negative about my situation. There are days where it feels like the MS is overrunning my life.

That’s why taking the steps for self-improvement can be hard because it feels hopeless to even start. But I want to say that no matter where you are at in your illness, there’s always an opportunity to set goals for personal growth.

Long-Term Goals as Complementary Treatment

The very act of setting a long-term goal while dealing with a chronic illness is a declaration that you are fighting the disease. It’s acknowledging that the disease will not be completely control your life – but you will be getting the control back.

Recent studies focused on the importance of setting goals, specifically with patients diagnosed with a chronic illness. Working with healthcare providers to establish long-term care goals related and unrelated to chronic disease management found that patients benefited from patient-centered care.

Additionally, setting goals outside of disease management, such as making lifestyle and wellness changes for overall health, found that patients positively benefited when no longer focused on disease management metrics.

When we focus on creating beneficial long-term goals either with disease management in mind or not, there are positive outcomes that manifest from the simple process of making the goals. It’s saying “I am going to be here a while and I am not accepting defeat in my disease.”

Hope, while there seems to be very little of it nowadays, does play a role in disease management. It’s not about being unaware of the reality of the situation or not being realistic about the diagnosis. Rather, I would argue it’s a statement that you make to yourself and with others that you are not allowing the illness to have the upper hand despite the ways it manifests.

By maintaining hope and setting long-term goals, you are taking on a more active role with your care and helping to stack the odds in your favor by doing what you need to do to get the best possible care given the circumstances.

Setting Reasonable Long-Term Goals

If you are taking the 2019 Wellness Challenge with MS Mommy Blog, you probably have a long-term goal you’re working on this year. Why am I bringing this up now, at the end of January? Mainly because if you are like me, and I am admittedly average, it’s around this time that I struggle to maintain my resolutions and goals.

I am also bringing it up because it’s to recognize and honor the importance of long-term goal making. I think it’s normal for people to discount the importance of goals, especially when coping with a chronic illness of sorts.

If you haven’t established a long-term goal for 2019, it’s never too late to start. The key is to set a reasonable goal that you know you can undertake.

Even if the goal is to have a five-minute conversation with your healthcare provider about the direction of your care and you know it will take all year to work up the courage to do so, this is a reasonable long-term goal to set for yourself.

This is why I settled on the S.M.A.R.T. method to work through this year. It keeps your goals grounded and applicable to whatever you are looking to do for the year. Make sure you sign-up for the newsletter to get the latest information on how to help set up reasonable long-term goals for the rest of the year.

This Coming Month

February will be focusing on the importance of self-compassion and chronic illness, especially when it relates to self-improvement and wellness. It’s easy for us to get caught up in feeling frustration with our limitations and chronic illness. But if we practice self-compassion and go easy on ourselves whenever possible, we’ll find that maintaining our goals will be easier.

Stay tuned for February.


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Featured photo credit:  Samuel Scrimshaw on Unsplash