weakness-asking-help

Is it Weakness to Ask for Help?

Weak. Loser. Faking.

These words jumble around my head when I want to ask for help. I am afraid of appearing weak or taking advantage of others that I don’t ask for help even when I should. It’s hard to move beyond our thoughts, but when we do, we show our greatest strength. We acknowledge what we can handle and what we cannot. It’s is humbling asking for help, but it is a test of our character and the character of those around us.

Getting to that point of asking for help is hard. There’s a lot of cultural and personal baggage we must work through first.

Western Culture & the Weakness Narrative

My insecurity over asking for help does not come in a vacuum. Western culture, particularly in America, has a negative attitude for those who ask for help. If you have a chronic illness and need to go on disability or welfare, you know what I am saying. Drug testsnegative nicknames, and accusations of freeloading all make up the national narrative surrounding people who need to ask for public help.  

You can make the argument that these are examples of public help and not the same as asking those immediately around you. When the national discourse towards support is so hostile, it’s challenging to feel comfortable broaching the subject. Countless times I’ve wanted to start a conversation with an individual only to find their feelings on a particular matter do not align with mine, and they are rather passionate about it. It’s easier to stay silent than to open up.

This attitude against helping others is unrealistic and isn’t the truth. We often heard success stories and the individual thanks all of the people that helped them along the way. Mentors, networks, sheer luck all play a role in getting a person to meet their goals. 

But when we have an invisible illness and hear stories of discrimination, it is hard to want to reach out for help. Even if it’s getting a placard to park closer to a store because sometimes its easier to walk a bit farther than deal with notes, stares, or rude comments. 

If you live in America, as I cannot speak to other countries, it is a hostile environment to ask for help even if getting help is normal.

Internal Fears & Insecurities

Admittedly, much of what I just said has everything to do with personal insecurities. You may be lucky enough not to have a problem asking for help. But sometimes our illnesses tap into our insecurities by the very nature of the disease itself. We may not be able to control the feelings of uncertainty because the illness takes over.

But if you had insecurity over asking for help before your diagnosis, the chronic illness might exacerbate that insecurity. Now that I need help from others, I am more afraid to ask. I don’t look sick, I run frequently and act “normal,” so when I ask for help, I must be trying to take advantage?

These fears are unreasonable, and I completely acknowledge that, but I can’t stop them from popping into my head and preventing me from asking for help when I need it.

If we can ask for help, and do so with respect, then we won’t take advantage of others. You will probably flatter your friends when you ask because you’ve trusted them with a part of your life you may not show often. Think about the time others have asked you for help and how that makes you feel. You probably appreciate the opportunity to help someone you care about in some small way.

It shouldn’t be different when you are the one asking for help.

The Problem with Asking for Help

When we ask for help, there is a chance of rejection. What happens when we put ourselves out there, and we get rejected or a wishy-washy response? How do we handle that?

We also open ourselves up to criticism, comments, or unsolicited advice. How many times have you heard the “well, if you try this, my friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend found it helped them?” When you need help, it’s an open door for those sorts of comments. 

Rejection and “well-meaning” comments bring feelings of shame, so we might pre-empt those feelings by not bothering to ask.

Remember this: only you can let yourself feel shame. Only you can make yourself feel weak. Regardless of the response, you can choose to let the comments bother you, or you can decide it’s not worth it. If there is a pattern of a friend or family member making you feel wrong with their comments, then perhaps it’s time to move them down your life mountain.

Breaking Free from the Mindset

Ultimately, we have to suck it up and ask others for help. It’s easy to say this given societal pressures against asking for help, but we have to put our health first. If you want to be a help to those closest to you, then you must take care of your needs first.

When you ask for help, you aren’t revealing weakness, but strength. You are putting your vulnerabilities out there and showing that you are self-aware enough to need help. Often, I find people respond favorably to me when I unapologetically show my vulnerability.

Only you can make yourself feel exposed. People might comment to help support those feelings, but you can reject them in the same way they are rejecting you.


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Featured photo credit: Canva

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recognizing-self-doubt

Recognizing Self-Doubt

In my most profound moments of self-reflection, I find that I am riddled with self-doubt that stops me from achieving personal goals. Self-doubt tells us that we are incapable of doing something and serves as discouragement disguised as good-intentions. When making significant life changes, we must recognize self-doubt for what it is, a possible road block, and find a way to cope with it.

We define self-doubt as a lack of confidence in ourselves and what we are capable of doing. It isn’t always an accurate assessment of our abilities but meant as a form of self-handicapping to protect our egos from possible failure. This is reductionist, as there are other reasons why people fall into self-doubt, but that’s what we’ll be focusing on.

We engage in self-doubt as an excuse to prevent us from moving forward in life. It’s important to recognize when this happens because sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

Self-Doubt after Self-Reflection

I have a voice in the back of my head that pipes up after I’ve reflected on a situation. The situation may have ended unfavorably, where I behaved in a way I am not proud of, so I’ll start to reflect on what I could do in the future. The voice comes in after I decide my next steps and tells me that I won’t achieve it. It loudly proclaims that I still haven’t made the positive changes, so why would I begin now?

Obviously, it ignores all the times when I succeed in making positive changes in similar scenarios.

I think this self-doubt voice comes in after an emotional self-reflection because I am vulnerable. Vulnerability isn’t a negative trait to possess, but my self-doubt comes in to take advantage of it. It works to sabotage all my hard work.

I believe self-doubt is our unconscious form of self-preservation. In our minds, we’ve created a specific persona for ourselves. It’s how we see ourselves interacting with the world and how the world interacts with us. It doesn’t necessarily reflect reality, but it’s the reality we’ve created ourselves.

When we start to change this persona and bring our perspective in line with reality, self-doubt seeps in because often the gap between our reality and actual reality is painful. Many years ago, I thought about how I was in High School. I had a brief thought that I was a difficult person to get along with, which was completely counter to the fantasy I created about being bullied.

The moment I had this thought it was so painful that my self-doubt and denial quickly flooded in to soothe the wound I gave my ego. I have since taken more time to self-reflect and found that while I was bullied, it had a lot to do with me painting a target on my back. I was unnecessarily confrontational, so the “bullying” was a response to that.

When we see something we don’t like about ourselves, we are working in direct defiance of the persona we’ve built up over a lifetime of experiences. Self-doubt works to preserve that personal for our emotional well-being. It’s well-intentioned, but it can keep us from moving beyond what keeps us stuck.

Self-doubt only serves to keep us within an unhealthy comfort zone.

The Danger of Self-Doubt

Self-doubt is the motivation killer.

We have many motivational killers out there, but self-doubt is one of the greatest ones. It’s the voice we listen to when we think we’re not good enough for something, or try and eat healthy, or what keeps us from striving for more.

Self-doubt is a voice that we listen to because it is always with us. I believed my self-doubt was some otherworldly voice responding to my requests for help on something. I thought it was an inspired voice speaking to me with omniscient wisdom, so when it said for me not to do something, it clearly knew what it was saying.

No, it was my self-doubt masquerading as the supernatural to keep me from trying harder or stepping outside of my comfort zone.

You may not have an otherworldly voice speaking to you, but there’s a good chance you have some internal voice telling you what you can’t do. When you engage with this voice, it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Looking Ahead

This month will be working to address the moments of self-doubt directly. Those times where we want just to give up and not move forward because we don’t think we can. This will be last month we focus on negative things in our self-improvement journey for this year. Stick through it so we can take a couple of months of appreciating ourselves and celebrating ourselves. It will be worth it in the end.


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Externalizing My Illness

Since my diagnosis, I’ve had days where I took my chronic illness out on others. Especially those closest to me. Ash has (and still does on my bad days) weathered my emotional storms. There are days where I cannot effectively handle my emotions, and he’s stayed strong for me.

I’ve gotten better, but at the beginning of my health journey, I would purposefully nettle or act in a manner to stir up trouble in my relationship with Ash. I recognize now that they were moments where I projected my emotions onto him: I was upset with life and I wanted to externalize those feelings by taking them out on someone else.

Misery Loves Company

It’s true. Those who are miserable love company.

We’ve encountered it at one point or another: people bringing us down because they feel miserable. Strangers driving badly because they are angry; customers yelling for the manager because of a perceived slight; or a friend undercutting our happy moments by inserting a negative non sequitur.

Personally, I dealt with colleagues who blamed me for their personal problems and close ones not invested in my personal success because of their lack of success.

When others project their misery onto us and we engage with it, we become miserable ourselves.

The Misery of Chronic Illness

A chronic illness is misery enough: fatigue, mental & emotional frustrations, and other painful physical exacerbations to name a few. Often times making it through the day is about maintaining our emotional fortitude. Some days we make it at the end of the day not feeling entirely awful and other days we give into our emotional misery.

When we have a day where our illness overwhelms us, it’s easy to feel miserable. There is a time and place for grieving, but when we externalize that grief beyond ourselves and at others that it becomes problematic. Venting to others is reasonable, we cannot keep everything in, but if we snap at a friend of family member; say something we know is particularly hurtful for the sake of hurting them; or try to manipulate the situation to make someone miserable, we go too far.

I think if we need a moment to vent, especially relating to our illness, we should find someone who understands and preface our venting with “I am not directing any of this at you. I am having a bad day with my illness, so I need someone to vent to…may I?” Not only do we provide them with a warning, but we also give them with the ability to say “no” as well. It is important to respect their decision should they say “no.” They may be having a bad day as well and they cannot provide adequate support without harming their own health.

When we take our negative emotions and energy out on others, we bring them down and we run the risk of alienating those we care about. A day may come where they recognize that they need to remove us from their life to stay healthy.

Acknowledging the Double Standard

When I recognized my bad behavior, I saw that I set up a double standard. It was okay for me to behave badly, but not okay for others to behave badly around/toward me.

I got so caught up in my MS that I didn’t take the time to recognize my expectations for others and how high they were. While it is important to have expectations for those who surround us, after all those expectations can protect us from toxic relationships, the expectations should be reasonable.

I put pressure on others, they were not aware of this pressure, where if they did not listen to me or acknowledge my pain in a particular moment, then they were a poor friend. These were relationships where it was weighted towards me, where I took a lot out of the relationship. So in the moment where they demonstrated some resistance to my one-sided behavior, I dismissed them as a poor friend.

Yikes.

Adding in a chronic illness, it’s easy to develop a built-in excuse for our poor treatment of others. We can have an (understandable) chip on our shoulder because our bodies betrayed us. We feel we’re owed something, so we take what we are owed by externalizing our feelings onto others. Should others treat us in a similar manner…

Once I recognized the double standard I set up for myself and those around me, I was able to take steps to stop engaging in that double standard. I have yet to reach out to those I’ve hurt, I am not at that point yet, but I know I can stop behaving in a manner that is toxic and harmful to others.

I can also take the steps to be more mindful of other people’s journey and respect that they might be going through something equally troublesome that causes them to behave a particular way. It’s never used as a means to excuse bad treatment, but as a means to be compassionate to their situation.

Resisting the Urge

I built up a pattern of bad behavior of taking my chronic illness out on others over years. It’s going to take a long time to unlearn the bad patterns and relearn healthy ones. I still have urges to take my emotional pain out on Ash, but I am quicker to apologize if I do, or I try to preface by saying I need a moment to vent.

I’ve been slowly pulling myself away from toxic sources that might cause me to backslide into negativity and making my peace with my MS. Recognizing that I was externalizing my pain was also a major step in the positive direction. Knowing what I am doing helps eliminate the desire to keep doing it.

Having a chronic illness is no fun, but it’s no one else’s fault that I have one. Not mine, not friends, not strangers, nobody. Taking my emotional pain out on them accomplishes absolutely nothing because I tend to feel worse afterwards.

I have learned to resist the urge as much as possible, but be gentle when I have a moment when I do give into it. Apologize when necessary and understand when others are in a similar space. It’s a way to lower my stress and manage my MS in a healthy way.


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changing-my-internal-narrative

Redefining the Internal Narrative

When I recognized that I was addicted to my anger, I realized it was sustained by my internal narrative. I used a lot of nasty words to describe myself during my mental arguments. As Gary John Bishop said in his book Unf*ck Yourself, we are constantly having internal conversations whether we realize it or not. There was no escape from this negative internal narrative. When I recognized the hatred being spewed at myself non-stop, I knew I needed to focus on changing my internal narrative.

We are dealing with a chronic illness, so we are busy fighting/managing our bodies. For some of us, we are also fighting our minds which makes our journey to wellness that much harder. When our bodies betray us via exacerbations or normal symptoms, it’s easy for our negative internal narrative to rise up and leave us wanting to give up. I wanted to share my experience with my negative internal narrative and how it led to moments of self-defeat. At the end of this post, you’ll find more detailed suggestions for dealing with your own narrative.

Content warning: there will be talk about self-hatred and self-destructive behaviors. In the section “Using the word ‘Hate'” you will find adult language as part of negative self-talk. If you find this discussion triggering, please do not read any further. If you or someone you know engages in self-harm, please know that you can get help

When the Internal Narrative is Negative

From childhood, I had a negative internal narrative. I was taught from the very beginning that I was fundamentally flawed as a person. Every time I did something “wrong,” it had to do with me being irredeemably bad. Thoughts were not separate from actions, so if I had a negative thought it was the same as though I acted out on it.

As a child, I learned to mentally flog myself. While I was taught that I had the means to get out of my “badness,” I still had to follow a strict code of behaviors, thoughts, and actions. Deviation from that code meant I regressed into “badness,” and I was to prevent that at all cost. Mentally berating myself helped me manage any external conversations about my behavior because I pre-empted the impetus of the discussion. I took the power out of the other side by mentally hating myself and regained a sense of control.

What I was doing in those moments was setting myself up for a lifetime of self-hatred that I am just now starting to unlearn and heal from.

An example: as a child on the playground, someone would say something mean to me. If I had a thought of “well, I hope you fall over and hurt yourself” as a means of coping with my hurt feelings, this was considered a moment of being naughty. I wished harm on someone, and this was wrong by the code taught to me.

Because I wasn’t allowed to have a “bad” thought, I had no way to manage my hurt feelings. Desiring for a bully to get hurt, provided I didn’t actually retaliate, wasn’t a bad thing. It was a healthy way to acknowledge they hurt me and I wanted them to feel the hurt back. It may have naturally led to understanding why the bully was mean: they were already hurting and taking their pain out on me.

Instead, when they said something mean and I thought about them getting hurt; I realized that my desire to see them get hurt was “wrong;” and therefore, the bully was right about me: I was whatever horrible thing they said I was. So it wasn’t just the bully picking on me, I was picking on myself. If I told anyone about the bully and my thoughts immediately after the incident, it was reinforced that these thoughts were wrong.

The internal voice I developed over my childhood was angry and reflected the judgments I heard by adults. Often the judgments weren’t directed at me, but at others in similar situations as myself. I would compare myself to the people in these judgment scenarios and recognize a lot of similarities in myself: “that person claims to be following a specific code of conduct, but look what they are doing. It’s so hypocritical.”

Oh, I would think to myself. I always wanted to do that thing they are doing. I guess that makes me bad because I feel/act that way in private. In those moments, my shame increased and my internal voice would get louder about how bad I was as a person.

This angry, negative internal narrative turned me into a bitter, anxious, and stressed-out person. I burnt out fast. This lead to a deep depression in my early twenties where I struggled to get anything done in my life. Every missed opportunity was not a learning experience but a personal failure. Every failure was fuel to my “I feel worthless” fire. Rather than persevering in the face of self-doubt and failure, I gave in and wallowed in the thoughts of how I was a bad person.

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Raising Awareness for Multiple Sclerosis

To kick the month off right, let’s have a brief discussion about Multiple Sclerosis. I talk a lot about having MS, but I haven’t provided information to why it’s such a troublesome disease.

Part of the reason is it has taken me until writing this post to acknowledge the down-and-dirty parts of MS. For the last five years, I have allowed myself a vague awareness of the disease itself, but never sat down and understood the particulars. I would research as far as I needed to, but rarely allow myself to dive deeper because it was too painful to acknowledge.

In fact, if we’ve ever had a conversation in person about my MS, I rarely use the word “disease” when discussing it. You’ll find it to be the same throughout the blog. I don’t like acknowledging that I have a disease. I prefer to use the term “condition” or “situation.”

I recognize that if I am ever to be truly successful in treating and managing my MS that I need to be fully aware of the risks, outcomes, and possibilities of the disease.

What is Multiple Sclerosis?

Multiple Sclerosis is an autoimmune disease that causes the demyelination of the central nervous system. These attacks will disrupt signals from one part of the body to another which are expressed in a variety of symptoms: fatigue, brain fog, weakness, speech difficulty, and more serious manifestations.

Because MS is autoimmune, it means that the body attacks and damages itself sometimes beyond repair. 

There are three different categories of MS a person will receive when getting their diagnosis (Clinically-Isolated Syndrome [CIS] is the fourth type):

  1. Relapse-Remitting (RRMS): symptoms appear randomly and can range in severity. Once treatment of the symptoms is complete, the patient will return to “normal,” though some symptoms may persist after the flare-up. The disease progresses slowly if at all. 85% of new diagnoses receive the RRMS classification.
  2. Primary-Progressive (PPMS): neurological functions worsen at the onset of symptoms though there are no distinct flare-up or periods of remission like with RRMS. 10-15% of new diagnoses receive PPMS classification.
  3. Secondary-Progressive (SPMS): Around 50% of RRMS patients will progress into SPMS within 10 years of their initial diagnosis (specifically those who do not treat their MS). This is a progressive worsening of symptoms and neurological functions over time.

Anyone can get MS. That’s the scary thing. But there are certain groups of people who are more prone to the diagnosis:

  • People between 20 – 50
  • People further away from the equator
  • Women are 2 – 3 times more likely to get an MS diagnosis
  • Parent or sibling diagnosed with MS (~1-3% chance)
  • People with low vitamin D levels
  • People who had mononucleosis or another virus linked to MS at one point in their life
  • Already diagnosed with one autoimmune disease

It is estimated that around 2.5 million people globally have the MS diagnosis.

Why Raise Awareness

As someone who has MS, it is extremely important for me to raise awareness for the disease. The more people know about it, the more funding will go towards finding better treatments and hopefully a cure. Unfortunately, there are a lot of misconceptions about MS and the very nature of the disease can be invisible which is why awareness is so important.

Busting misconceptions

  • Getting the MS diagnosis is not a death sentence. Fifty or so years ago, before anything was known about the disease or ways to help treat it, it may have been. But now that there are so many disease-modifying therapies out there and complementary treatments, it is easy to manage the disease and help slow its progression.
  • No one is the same. If you have MS it is not going to look like mine nor is it going to look like your friend’s cousin. Yours or your loved one’s experience with MS is going to be unique to you and that’s okay. Do not compare yourself to others.
  • Start that family if you want. If you are physically, financially, and emotionally capable, the decision to have a family should not be decided by the MS diagnosis. While there may be a genetic component to the disease, you are unlikely to pass the disease down to your children.
  • No, it is not spread through the blood. Unfortunately, many blood-related organizations are still very backward when it comes to their information about MS. The Red Cross recently opened it up so people with MS could donate blood, but local and smaller blood collection agencies may reject you if you disclose your diagnosis.My heart was broken when Jai’s cord blood donation was rejected based on my MS diagnosis. They claimed they would use it for MS research but I have no way of following up with them.

An Invisible Disability

MS is a disease that can external and internally manifest itself. People with mobility devices like canes or scooters, or have handicap allowances outwardly express their MS so outsiders can be more accommodating.

But there is a whole group where all the manifestations of the disease are internal: no devices, handicap provisions, or a way for outsiders to see that we have MS.

This is what makes it an invisible disability.

Just like people with mobility devices, allowances may still need to be made for us, i.e. opportunities to rest, take extra time to work on a project, or need a few days off to treat a flare-up, but getting those allowances can be met with resistance.

My one negative experience was weeks before my actual diagnosis. I just got out of the hospital from a 5-day round of intravenous steroids to treat my optic neuritis and was in a grocery store with my mother. I was extremely weak from the steroids, lack of sleep, and overwhelmed emotionally from the experience when I slowly rounded a corner with my cart (I needed it as a means of support) and an older man started cussing me out when I got in his way.

He was telling me that I needed to give way to him (I actually had the right of way in grocery store etiquette) due to his age and I needed to move quicker. I tried to explain that I was too weak but he moved my cart while I was holding it, cussed me out, and flipped me off as he walked away.

It was a humiliating experience. And I have been fortunate not to experience anything like it again.

How to Raise Awareness

The rest of this week will detail ways to raise awareness based on your abilities. Wednesday’s post will be about events and opportunities to participate in MS activism and the community. Friday’s post will be about ways to start or participate in fundraising opportunities.

I provided some simple banners you could use on your social media accounts to help raise awareness this month for MS. Please feel free to download them for personal use.

Will there be a Cure?

At this point in time, there is no cure. But there is a lot of positive research coming out around the world about possible treatments and steps closer to a cure. From Cambridge University alone:

There are plenty of drug therapies out there that help minimize the impact of flare-ups and the progression of the disease, but we still have a long way to go before getting rid of MS and reversing its damage altogether. By raising awareness we can help keep the research momentum going and hopefully see it disappear in our lifetime.


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