Day Trips: Parents’ Day Off

Ash and I don’t go out often.

We tend to be homebodies, happy to spend our time together after Jai’s gone to bed. But we do try to get a night or a day off by ourselves at least once a month.

Leaving Jai is less of a problem given all that I do to prep him and the caregiver for our time away. Figuring out what to do for Ash and me – that can be a problem. Many times we go see a movie or out to dinner, but we end up having a lot of extra time either before or after the event and end up being aimless for the rest of our date.

Part of the problem is we don’t manage our time well. We aren’t exactly rushing to get back to Jai, but we do end up cutting our nights shorter because we can’t figure out what to do with ourselves.

One type of date with the most kind of success for both of us is the day trip where we go outside our comfort zones.

Considering a Day Trip

We can’t take day trips all the time, but they are perfect for our once a month outings. Taking a Saturday or a Sunday to get out of the area to do something fun is a fantastic way to reconnect and try something new.

Especially as parents, we’ve found that whenever we take a day trip somewhere we say to ourselves how much fun Jai would have if we take him there. More on that Friday. But these trips also double as reconnaissance for things to do with a toddler.

Day trips can be a road trip to a specific destination or becoming a tourist in your own city. It depends on the mood, desire, and time frame. Most of the time Ash and I limit ourselves to locations within a 3-hour drive from Jai.

When he’s ready to be away from both of us for more than 24-hours we will consider longer trips that can take us overnight.

I love day trips because many times it gets us away from the big city and into the countryside for a nice long drive. I love getting away from technology and the confines of the urban setting to recharge my batteries. I find that I get stressed if I spend too much time in the concrete jungle so taking a day to unwind out of my normal environment helps manage my personal stress.

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Celebrating Fatherhood

I am lucky to have three important men in my life: my dad, my husband, and my son.

Two of those men are fathers, the third may become one someday. That’s his choice when he’s ready.

I wanted to spend a post talking about how much I love and respect these two fathers in honor of Father’s Day yesterday.

My Father

I could list all the things my father did like many Father’s Day posts do: sitting with me when I was sick, teaching me something important, or dispensing sage life advice when necessary. All of which he’s done.

Or I can write about two formative lessons he passed on to me. One was an individual incident and the other was taught my entire life.

While I was “daddy’s little girl,” that didn’t mean I had to be girly-girl. In fact, I was more like “daddy’s little tomboy” growing up. He taught me how to climb trees, build a tree house, shoot a bow, ride a bike, scare my mom, and not allow boys to push me around because I was a girl.

Never once growing up did I ever feel the need to adhere to a specific gender role from my father. He never told me “no” because it was unladylike, nor did he expect me to behave a certain way because that’s how it’s done according to gender.

He made sure I understood one thing: don’t be what other’s want you to be. Only be yourself.

One of the best examples of this in my life happened when I was around 11/12 years old:

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Being Okay with “Normal”

Content Warning: some discussion of depression and negative self-talk. If you are depressed or know someone who is depressed and in need of help, please look at the resources available through the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. You can find support groups, therapists, and treatment options here. You are not alone.


Before figuring out how to make adaptations to my parenting, I had to learn to be okay with my new normal. Parenting with MS requires a few extra steps but with some adaptability, it’s hard to notice that there’s a difference.

It’s frustrating that I can’t be the parent I want to be, but I have to be at peace with myself. No amount of changes can stand up to feeling discouraged about my situation. Discouragement is normal and should be honored when it occurs, but how I cope with that discouragement matters.

This isn’t meant to be taken as advice or “what should be done,” but an insight into how someone deals with their MS and what works for them. If you are a parent with MS or newly diagnosed, remember to be gentle with yourself and don’t compare yourself to others. You are doing the best you can and that’s the most important thing.

A Fight for Control

Recognizing that I have no control over my fatigue and mental fog is the first step I’ve had to take to accept my limitations. I find workarounds with my fatigue (more on that in Friday’s post) and mental fog, so I am not giving into the lack of control. I am accepting that I cannot control it and there’s a huge difference between the two.

Hi, my name is Deborah and I am a control freak.

I’ve admitted this several times on the blog. I like to be in control of every aspect of my life: from relationships to professional projects, I try and control everything so it can be what I perceive to be as perfect.

Psychology does not support this attitude: maintaining strict control over everything is the quickest way to be extremely stressed out and unhappy. It may cause everything to spin more out of control if I try too hard.

As the linked article points out: “Wanting control leads to anger; this emotional response increases when control is impeded.” The more I try to control my situation, the more frustrated I get and exacerbate the situation.

How do I try to control my MS?

There is a level of regression that occurs in my grieving process: I go into denial and try to forget that I have MS. I will push myself physically and mentally and completely ignore my body’s warning signs.

Looking at Spoon Theory: if I use up all of my reserves (and then some) I have the potential of not being able to do anything for the rest of the day and possibly the next day. This happens more than I care to admit because I just want to get everything done on my “to do” list.

That’s why working on my priorities every morning is so important.

Emotionally, I try to control my MS by being hard on myself. I will berate myself if I wasn’t able to do a particular task to my liking or if I don’t get a post/email/social media interaction out in a reasonable amount of time. I find that I will sink into a slight depression when I focus too much on what I can’t do for myself and my family.

MS cannot be controlled. Its very nature does not allow for control.

Most of my frustration stems from a belief that if someone else can handle multiple projects at one time, why do I struggle to do a single task? I am constantly comparing my abilities to others and wishing I measured up.

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Love & MS

We don’t get to choose whether or not we get MS, nor do we get to choose when we get that diagnosis. For some, it comes while in a relationship and for others it comes outside of one.

Either scenario forces the following self-reflection: does my partner stay with me? and, do I disclose my situation on a date?

MS is difficult because it turns partners or potential partners into caretakers.

It fosters self-doubt after the diagnosis: is my partner with me because they feel obligated? do they resent having to care for me? are they only interested in me because they have to “fix” me? what happens if they leave or die before me?

It is little wonder that many bloggers and experts refer to MS as the third wheel in a relationship. It’s an unwanted obstacle that can put a strain on any current or budding relationship.

The Third Wheel

MS is the unpredictable cousin that comes into your life and needs a place to crash until they get on their feet. They take up space on a centrally located couch and refuse to leave when you want to watch a movie with your partner (or bring a date home).

They say they are looking for a job, but really spend all day watching half-hour courtroom shows with ads for injury lawyers.

It’s that cousin that interrupts you everytime you want to have a conversation with someone so you forget what you were saying and is up at all hours of the night making it hard for anyone to sleep.

Simply put: MS is an unwelcome third-party to your relationship that isn’t going to leave anytime soon. No matter how many times you ask it to get its act together and move on.

Trying to figure MS out and how it factors into a relationship is extremely hard. As a person with the diagnosis, I am trying to learn what I am capable of doing and what my limitations are. How much do I put on or ask of Ash? Should I even ask him to help? Is the relationship lopsided? Am I really that bad that I need his help? Or am I just imagining things?

MS is always hiding in the background of every thought or action I take. I have to plan out my day to make sure I have enough energy for when Ash gets home to make any interactions with him meaningful. I have to pause frequently and ask myself: am I feeling this way because this is normal for someone who only got 4 hours of sleep with a teething toddler, or is this because of the MS?

As you can see, I ask myself a lot of questions. I tend to overthink things and so it takes a lot of energy to manage my MS. So when it is time for quality time with Ash, sometimes I just don’t have what it takes to be the partner I think he deserves.

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Love after Baby

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Today’s post is about how Ash and my love evolved since having Jai. While we never made sweeping romantic gestures before, how we overtly express our love has changed since adding Jai to our family.

It has been an adjustment that we are still working through because that’s how relationships work.

The small gestures…the simple ways to express our love for each other has always been important. That hasn’t really changed because they are easy to do. When Ash sings a made up song to me or buys my favorite candy (back when I ate sugar), it makes me feel special. He loves it when I scratch his back without being asked or bring him his favorite custom drink after a run.

I find that we count on the simple stuff more as gestures of: “I recognize how you enjoy this and want to do it for you because it makes you happy” moments.

While it isn’t necessary to go overboard with our overtures of love, it is important that we don’t get complacent with our actions. Complacency leads to taking each other for granted, something neither of us want to do. How we express and strengthen our love will change as Jai gets older and as we age, so anything we come up with will evolve as time goes on.

Maintaining flexibility and understanding that our time is more precious has helped us have compassion for ourselves and each other.

Making Time

It takes the fun out of romantic spontaneity, but Ash and I have had to schedule our time together.

It doesn’t have to be time for that, but just spending time together.

We fell into a schedule of spending time on the couch after putting Jai to bed by chance. I am sure most relationship experts would say that the time we spend on the couch watching our shows or playing games on our phone is not quality time, but Ash and I would argue that it is quality time.

Our relationship has always been one of being near each other. We don’t have to talk about anything – we don’t have to be doing the same thing, but we find contentment in being near one another. Being able to reach over and touch the other’s arm when we need contact is worth more to us than an hour-long discussion about our day.

That isn’t to say that we don’t talk to each other, we do. But all our time spent together does not need to be at full engagement.

Prior to having Jai, we’d do more active things together: we’d go out, have friends come over, and other things couples without children do. That has had to change, obviously, and we’ve become more homebodies because of it.

This wasn’t a hard adjustment for Ash – he will proudly tell you that he’s a misanthrope and he likes that we stay in more. I am the more social one of the two of us, so when there’s an opportunity to go out with friends I tend to take it while Ash stays at home with Jai.

He loves the opportunity to spend alone time with Jai since he works all day. I just appreciate the break.

That said, we do try to schedule at least one day/evening a month away from Jai. My parents are gracious enough to watch Jai while Ash and I go do something fun: dinner, movie, play, or just walking around downtown. Those moments, because they are more infrequent, are savored because it allows us a few hours to be a couple again.

We still rush home to Jai because we love spending time with the little guy, but we also feel re-engaged with our relationship after a few hours alone. It gives us a chance to show how much we appreciate spending time together when there’s some effort involved.

Listening to Each Other

The other thing that changed a lot for us is that we listen more.

We talked, compromised, worked through our issues prior to Jai, but it has become more imperative that we take the time to listen.

If I’ve had a particularly stressful day, I preface anything that I need to discuss with: “now, I am not mad at you, but I may need to raise my voice in your general direction. Do not think I am yelling at you.” He understands that in that moment I need to vent about something and it needs to be heard by an adult and not just one of the cats. He will sit, listen, and then ask if I want advice or input.

Some days I want input, most days I am just venting, and I already have a solution worked out.

Likewise, when Ash needs me to listen to him, I try to hear him out. I do feel like our relationship is a bit lopsided because almost nothing bothers Ash. When he needs me to listen – I try to be there for him. Most of the time he has a great idea on how we can parent Jai and so I try to incorporate it into my routine.

Little One Makes 3

We’ve had to incorporate Jai in how we express our love for one another: in the moments that all three of us are sitting together reading a book or playing a game Jai has invented, I feel more connected to Ash. It may be biological, but when I watch him care for our child – I can’t help but feel a deeper connection to him.

And in those moments, I try to let him know how much I love him by giving him a quick peck on the cheek, a simple touch on his arm, or a hug (which Jai loves to join in). Growing up my parents would make a “Debbie sandwich” where they would hug each other while holding me between them. Those were always my favorite because as a child – I could feel both my parents love for me and their love for each other in that moment.

We try to show our love for each other in front of Jai because it’s healthy for him to see a loving adult relationship. We want to model healthy love so when he grows up, he will foster a similar relationship with his partner and feel comfortable coming to us for advice.

The Takeaway

For Ash and me, we have come to a place where we appreciate the time spent together and don’t rely so much on how it is spent together. Being physically close to one another is so much more important to us than anything else, which is why going out on frequent dates isn’t as much of a priority.

If there was ever a moment where one of us was unhappy with the situation (bored with another night in, needing to do something different, etc.), we make sure to talk and be open to listening. We may have to compromise because going out takes more logistical work with Jai, but at least we feel heard and a solution is at hand. Sometimes the simple act of talking is enough to soothe any needs.

It hasn’t been easy – most relationships, romantic or otherwise, are difficult to some degree. But knowing that I get to spend the evening with my best friend and go to bed beside him always warms my heart and makes me feel full. I am very fortunate to have found a person who appreciates the same things I do, has similar needs and desires, and wanted to share their life with me. And helps make cute babies.

And since I know he’s reading this: Ash, I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day.


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