weakness-asking-help

Is it Weakness to Ask for Help?

Weak. Loser. Faking.

These words jumble around my head when I want to ask for help. I am afraid of appearing weak or taking advantage of others that I don’t ask for help even when I should. It’s hard to move beyond our thoughts, but when we do, we show our greatest strength. We acknowledge what we can handle and what we cannot. It’s is humbling asking for help, but it is a test of our character and the character of those around us.

Getting to that point of asking for help is hard. There’s a lot of cultural and personal baggage we must work through first.

Western Culture & the Weakness Narrative

My insecurity over asking for help does not come in a vacuum. Western culture, particularly in America, has a negative attitude for those who ask for help. If you have a chronic illness and need to go on disability or welfare, you know what I am saying. Drug testsnegative nicknames, and accusations of freeloading all make up the national narrative surrounding people who need to ask for public help.  

You can make the argument that these are examples of public help and not the same as asking those immediately around you. When the national discourse towards support is so hostile, it’s challenging to feel comfortable broaching the subject. Countless times I’ve wanted to start a conversation with an individual only to find their feelings on a particular matter do not align with mine, and they are rather passionate about it. It’s easier to stay silent than to open up.

This attitude against helping others is unrealistic and isn’t the truth. We often heard success stories and the individual thanks all of the people that helped them along the way. Mentors, networks, sheer luck all play a role in getting a person to meet their goals. 

But when we have an invisible illness and hear stories of discrimination, it is hard to want to reach out for help. Even if it’s getting a placard to park closer to a store because sometimes its easier to walk a bit farther than deal with notes, stares, or rude comments. 

If you live in America, as I cannot speak to other countries, it is a hostile environment to ask for help even if getting help is normal.

Internal Fears & Insecurities

Admittedly, much of what I just said has everything to do with personal insecurities. You may be lucky enough not to have a problem asking for help. But sometimes our illnesses tap into our insecurities by the very nature of the disease itself. We may not be able to control the feelings of uncertainty because the illness takes over.

But if you had insecurity over asking for help before your diagnosis, the chronic illness might exacerbate that insecurity. Now that I need help from others, I am more afraid to ask. I don’t look sick, I run frequently and act “normal,” so when I ask for help, I must be trying to take advantage?

These fears are unreasonable, and I completely acknowledge that, but I can’t stop them from popping into my head and preventing me from asking for help when I need it.

If we can ask for help, and do so with respect, then we won’t take advantage of others. You will probably flatter your friends when you ask because you’ve trusted them with a part of your life you may not show often. Think about the time others have asked you for help and how that makes you feel. You probably appreciate the opportunity to help someone you care about in some small way.

It shouldn’t be different when you are the one asking for help.

The Problem with Asking for Help

When we ask for help, there is a chance of rejection. What happens when we put ourselves out there, and we get rejected or a wishy-washy response? How do we handle that?

We also open ourselves up to criticism, comments, or unsolicited advice. How many times have you heard the “well, if you try this, my friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend found it helped them?” When you need help, it’s an open door for those sorts of comments. 

Rejection and “well-meaning” comments bring feelings of shame, so we might pre-empt those feelings by not bothering to ask.

Remember this: only you can let yourself feel shame. Only you can make yourself feel weak. Regardless of the response, you can choose to let the comments bother you, or you can decide it’s not worth it. If there is a pattern of a friend or family member making you feel wrong with their comments, then perhaps it’s time to move them down your life mountain.

Breaking Free from the Mindset

Ultimately, we have to suck it up and ask others for help. It’s easy to say this given societal pressures against asking for help, but we have to put our health first. If you want to be a help to those closest to you, then you must take care of your needs first.

When you ask for help, you aren’t revealing weakness, but strength. You are putting your vulnerabilities out there and showing that you are self-aware enough to need help. Often, I find people respond favorably to me when I unapologetically show my vulnerability.

Only you can make yourself feel exposed. People might comment to help support those feelings, but you can reject them in the same way they are rejecting you.


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Positive Thinking Leads to Positive Actions

Since the 1952 publication of Norman Vincent Peale’s book The Power of Positive Thinking, there’s been a market for promoting positive thinking in the self-help circuit. It does make sense, and science backs it up: when we focus on engaging with our positive thoughts, we are less stressed and improve our health. The more we engage with positive thinking, the more it leads to positive actions in our lives.

We are marketed positive thinking as a way to increase our overall happiness in life. The issue is that happiness gets conflated with satisfaction. What we are truly seeking is total satisfaction with our lives, whereas happiness becomes a byproduct from that satisfaction. We can achieve joy, and therefore, happiness when we begin to shift our mindset from mostly negative to mostly positive.

To begin this process, we must self-reflect and be open to rewiring our brain to be receptive to positive experiences and thoughts.

Positive Thinking = Healthy Mindset

So positive thinking, what is that anyway?

The theory is this: if we start to incorporate more positive thoughts in our daily lives, we engage in a healthier mindset. Once we have a healthier mindset, we engage in more positive behaviors.

Anecdotally: when I started viewing myself with a positive perspective, I found I was open to doing positive things for myself. I have a hard time accepting myself as a decent person, but once I stopped thinking of myself as a bad person, I was more willing to eat healthier. I started to make healthier decisions regarding exercise. I decreased my desire for self-destructive behaviors. The idea of making healthy decisions became palatable because I finally felt like I was worthy of the effort.

It all stemmed from the moment I chose to engage with positive thinking.

Healthy Mindset Leads to Healthy Actions

The science is there: when a person develops a positive mindset, they are more inclined to engage in healthy behavior. You are more prone to go to the doctor to treat an exacerbation of an ailment you might have ignored. You re-prioritize your thoughts, choosing not to get distracted by things out of your control. You may even decide to reconfigure who you spend your time with, opting to be with people who leave you feeling good about yourself, rather than those who are toxic.

To be clear, this isn’t saying we take on a Pollyanna perspective and only view the good out there. We still acknowledge the negative and yet get caught in the negative thought cycle, but we spend less time in the negativity.

For those of us who spent a lot of time in the negativity, incorporating more positive thoughts is not a 180-degree turn, but a chance to be more centered in our thoughts. Be realistic, but also choose to be more positive in our realism.

Engaging with Positivity More

Find ways to think of yourself in a positive light. Celebrate your life as much as possible. Did you let someone in front of you in line today? How did that make you feel when you brightened their day, even for a moment? Engage in those good feelings you get when you do something positive.

Often we look to others to be our cheerleaders, our parents, friends, coworkers, and sometimes strangers. But the biggest cheerleader in our lives has to be ourselves. External validation is nice to have, but its the internal validation that’s more important. If you let that person in front of you in line and they didn’t acknowledge it, that’s okay. You didn’t do it for their validation or gratitude. You did it for yourself. If you feel good about doing it, who cares how others react?

Praise yourself for the moments you did something that makes you feel good. Don’t look around for others to do it. Engage with your positive thinking and positive actions as often as possible.

It will be gradual, but you’ll find that after some time, your actions will begin to reflect your positive thinking. Your feeling of self-satisfaction and its byproduct of happiness will increase as well.


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Appreciating the Small Things

One afternoon, Jai and I walked to meet Ash at work. In the middle of the walkway was a considerable Skink that I almost stepped on because I wasn’t paying attention. This was the second time I almost got this little guy because I tend to be single-focused to keep Jai moving along. Each time I almost step on the little lizard, I feel bad. They are just sitting there, on the sidewalk, appreciating the midday sun. As the Skink scuttles off to avoid my feet, I give a moment of appreciation for them. Here, in a major metropolitan area, is a reminder of nature and a moment to appreciate the small things in life.

Now that I am aware that this is the Skink’s favorite sunning spot, Jai and I keep a lookout for him each time we visit Ash. It’s an opportunity for Jai to learn more about his local ecology, and me to appreciate its size and coloring. With a toddler, each Skink-sized stick is our sunning friend, and each little Skink discovered is the big one’s “baby.”

Watching Jai get so excited over discovery is one of the sweeter moments of parenthood. These are the moments he and I treasure, but often get lost in daily life. I have chores to do, posts to write, and training to manage, that I often forget the importance of slowing down and appreciating the little moments.

Appreciating the small things in life is so integral to de-stressing and finding inner satisfaction.

Don’t Get Bogged Down

Appreciating the small things is not an opportunity to practice avoidance. Sometimes, we use little details as an excuse to procrastinate. Try not to get so bogged down in the minutia that you lose focus of your goals. You may even miss the more significant moments worthy of our appreciation when we focus too strictly on the small stuff.

That said, it’s essential to strike a balance between the little and big things in life. Take time to appreciate the moments you might overlook, but don’t let that consume you. On Wednesday, I will focus on the more significant parts of life worthy of our appreciation.

Grateful for the Little Stuff

How do you determine that something is worthy of appreciation? Why is it important to appreciate?

If the moment or experience strikes a positive response from you, it is worthy of appreciation. Looking at a cute dog walking down the street is an opportunity to appreciate living alongside our canine companions. Hearing a child’s unbridled laughter across the store is a moment to enjoy living in the moment like a child. Seeing a stranger do something kind for you or another stranger is a moment to appreciate the kindness in the world.

These are three moments we might miss or not devote the level of appreciation they deserve. If we want to rewire our brain, take the time to be mindful, and show gratitude in the small things is another area to start. Engage in the feelings a dog, child, or stranger brings up in you. A dog might make you feel good because of how cute it is. A child’s laughter might make you feel good because it reminds you of positive childhood experiences. A random act of kindness might make you feel good because it reaffirms your faith in humanity.

These are all moments of mindfulness. The small things in life tend to only happen in the current moment, so when they arrive, embrace these moments and appreciate life as it currently is. Not how you wish it would be, or your past. These little moments keep us from focusing on the negative that bog us down.

If we are busy appreciating the little things, we do not leave room to focus on the negative.

Take the rest of the day to find moments to appreciate. Observe others behaving kindly. Enjoy a stranger’s happiness. Give your companion animal an extra scratch and take comfort in the feel of their fur (or scales, or feathers).

Find some time today to appreciate the little things in life and see how they add up to the richness and positivity of your day.


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