The Check-In

A Different Type of Love

A few months before I met Ash, I had an acquaintance confide in me that they didn’t love their partner as much as they loved their newborn.

The love, they said, for their partner was replaced with a deeper love for the baby.

They felt guilty by this shift in the relationship, but knew that this was necessary to being a good parent.

I wasn’t sure how to respond because I wasn’t a parent and I wasn’t in a relationship, so I did what any awkward single person would do: I nodded and affirmed that they had nothing to feel guilty about. It made perfect sense to me: love for a partner could easily be replaced with love for a child. Biologically, we are geared towards wanting to care for our offspring more in order to ensure its survival into adulthood.

They were talking about simple biology and I had no reason to disagree. I asked if they told their partner about this shift in relationship dynamics. They hadn’t at the time, but that was a very difficult conversation, so I didn’t blame them.

Now that I am nearly a year-and-a-half into parenthood, I remembered our conversation: the aquaintance wasn’t wrong about the shifting love. The love I have for Jai is deeper than the love I have for Ash, but it is a different type of love.

I still love Ash deeply, more so every day because of all that he does for his family, but the love I have for Ash is completely different from the love I have for Jai.

Different Types of Love

Psychologically speaking, there are 7 different types of love. For Ash, my love is more nuanced and a combination of erosludusand pragma. Whereas my love for Jai is storge and therefore completely platonic in nature.

So it isn’t that I love Ash or Jai more/equally I just cannot compare or measure the love for either because the love is so different.

The fact that my acquaintance was concerned about this conundrum is not unusual: there are plenty of forum posts and articles out there where mothers admit to loving their children more than their partners.

Unfortunately, what does not seem to be addressed is that the love between partners and the love between parent/child has to be different. I feel like this is obvious, but there shouldn’t be the same sort of sexual feelings for the child that would happen with a partner.

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Parenting

Gentle Parenting

This is the first post in a 3-week series on parenting observations. Week one is based on gentle parenting, week two is about parenting with compassion, and week three is about parenting with a disability.

These posts are based on my personal experiences as a parent and are not meant in any way to judge other parenting styles or decisions. I am offering my personal research and conclusions as possible suggestions for others out there, therefore these posts will be as objective as possible. When it comes to parenting: provided the method isn’t abusive, there really isn’t a wrong way to parent your child. Be secure and do what works best for you and your family and ignore outside judgement.


I never sat down and thought about my parenting style before I started the blog. I had a few ideas of how I wanted to parent Jai: ways I would be different than my parents, ways that I would be similar, what I would want to encourage, and what I might do to discipline. But I never gave much thought to a particular label for the type of parenting style I used.

Like many parents-to-be and new parents, I bought books. Lots of books. Read through websites, forums, asked around for ideas and tips on how to hone my parenting style with Jai and plan ahead for various scenarios that we’d invariably stumble upon with a child.

I cobbled together my ideas and working with Ash, we developed a style that worked best for us and went with it. Then I started frequenting online parenting groups as research for my blog. I realized there was a name for the style we had come up with: gentle parenting. This type of parenting closely aligned with the core of our personal philosophy: parenting with compassion, respect, and empathy.

What is Gentle Parenting?

Unfortunately, when labels are added to everyday actions, a natural divide is created: between what is good and what is “not good” or negatively “different.” By setting itself apart, gentle parenting stands in contrast to what is generally accepted as mainstream parenting.

But what is mainstream parenting?

Searching around online, there doesn’t seem to be a consistent definition for what is mainstream parenting. I always think of it defined as: “this is how we’ve done it, so this is how we do it” or “this is what the experts tell me is best for my child.” But that isn’t much of a definition because it’s scant on important details or those details shift on a frequent basis from study-to-study.

In fact, I would argue that it is impossible to nail down a specific definition for mainstream parenting. Outside of strictly adhering to your pediatrician’s advice for how to care for your child, there really isn’t one right way to be a mainstream parent.

So how is this different from gentle parenting?

According to their website, gentle parenting follows these six points:

  1. Respecting your child
  2. Resolve to empathize with your child
  3. Allow your children to have their own opinions and autonomy
  4. Reset your expectations to what is age appropriate and “normal”
  5. Take time to nurture yourself
  6. Give your children your attention

But wait, I do a lot of these points already (if not all)! Does that mean I gentle parent?

You may not define yourself as a gentle parent, but chances are you do take a lot of their points into consideration when raising your child without realizing it.

My argument is this: while it is important to make distinctions between styles because it allows others to understand the parameters within each style, there is a strong possibility that your version of mainstream parenting is less “mainstream” without even realizing it.

Which brings us back to my original point: there isn’t a wrong way to raise your child and don’t allow anyone’s judgement affect you for doing something perceived as slightly different from mainstream. As the parent, you must do what you feel is best for your child and yourself.

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Food & Recipes

Chocolate Power Protein N’ice Cream

Whether you have a picky eater or an under-eater, it is sometimes important for your child to pack on some weight. That’s when we, as parents, turn to supplemental nutritional drinks and foods that are high in calories that will help them gain weight faster.

Jai recently had a nasty cold which suppressed his appetite and caused him to lose about one pound. At his age, this weight loss was less concerning, but he was already on the low end for his age range, thus causing him to be underweight. During the cold, he was only consuming liquids like breastmilk and water, so I wasn’t worried about him being dehydrated, but I wanted to make sure he was getting all the important nutrients he needed and his daily caloric requirements. I also wanted to help him quickly add that pound back on and maybe an extra one for good measure.

I went out and bought a name-brand nutritional drink for toddlers. I looked at the label and was not happy with how much sugar the product contained. He hadn’t had that much sugar up to this point in his life, but I was concerned about his needing to gain weight so I bought the stuff.

He seemed to like it at first, but after a few sips he rejected drinking more. I suspect it was too sweet for him. I couldn’t try it myself, but even Ash was unimpressed with the flavor.

We put him to bed several hours later. I had thought the drink had left his system, but  the sugar and chemicals caused him to be a light sleeper and he woke up around 1am and screamed uncontrollably for about an hour (we tried to console him as much as we could). The only thing different about his eating habits that day was this drink.

We vowed never to do that again.

That didn’t solve my concern regarding his weight and need for nutrients and calories. I decided to experiment with what I had in the house.

I came up with a dense ice “cream” that uses fruit and maple syrup to sweeten it, but has avocados and peanut butter as a means to heft up the calories and protein.

Because it doesn’t contain any dairy, this will be okay for your little one while they have a cold, the frozen nature of the treat will soothe throats but not increase mucus production. It is also a tasty snack, so it shouldn’t be hard to get them to eat it if you have a picky eater. You can find the recipe after the cut.

Continue reading “Chocolate Power Protein N’ice Cream”

The Check-In

Final Thoughts for this Week

Today is the final day of my diet reset. Overall it went well and I am feeling better about my eating choices, though it wasn’t an easy process to get through. It got rather boring by the end and I was excited to be eating different types of fruit throughout the day if only for the variety they provided. The food that I made for the reset was delicious, but even delicious can get boring if you are eating the same thing over and over again.

How I am Feeling

I feel much better at the end of the week, a little bit lighter (I lost 2 pounds), and I don’t feel as bloated as I did on Sunday. I think that has a lot to do with the water I’ve been drinking; it certainly helped flush out the extra water weight I retained from high-salt and fatty foods. I also found that I enjoy drinking high-alkaline water, not because I think they do anything specific for my health, but because I like the taste and it’s easier to drink. I learned something new about myself.

I also feel more energized, though I am still feeling fatigue from the last vestiges of my flu. Once I have finally shaken off my flu fatigue, I can already tell that I am  motivated to dive into my running again. I just need the temperature to go up a little bit in the mornings. Running in temperatures lower than 20F are rough. I can do it, but it’s hard to be motivated to get out there when bed is so warm.

Cravings I Encountered

Some cravings I encountered throughout the week: fried foods, eating late, coffee, and bacon.

I was really surprised by the fried foods craving since I haven’t had anything deep fried since October. I think that was a carryover from the flu at the beginning of the week. I have learned that when I am sick, I really love to have fried foods for comfort.

The desire to snack after 7 pm wasn’t entirely surprising: that’s when I do the bulk of my snacking during the day. Once Ash is home and Jai is in bed, Ash and I sit on the couch and will snack while catching up on our shows. The snacks may be healthy in nature, but it’s the quantity that becomes unhealthy. There are nights where I will grab a snack just before going to bed because the idea hit me that I was “hungry.” Through this reset I realized that I was less hungry and doing it out of habit.

The craving for coffee was a surprise to absolutely no one. I went from drinking two cups of Americano a day to nothing. I use coffee as a natural means to boost my energy in the morning and early afternoon. I really love the taste of it, especially during cold winter days. I find it very soothing because of its familiarity and I missed that with the cold snap we’ve been going through. I had a few mild headaches that may have been caffeine withdrawals, but I drank a bunch of water and herbal tea to help minimize the discomfort.

I found that I was craving salty protein some of the time, specifically bacon. I don’t eat a lot of bacon, though when given the option, I will take it. This might also be attributed to the cold weather – looking to derive some pleasure in high-fat foods which is fine in small doses, but hard to moderate in the dead of winter.

Some Reflections

The detox/reset went relatively well, but not as well as I would have liked. I ran into some issues following the protocols I had planned by Day Four because life got a little hectic. I wasn’t able to do my morning ritual from that day forward because Jai picked up a really bad cold and needed care as early as 2 am some mornings. Getting up after that to do yoga was really hard despite going to bed around 10 pm.

When experts say to plan detoxes/cleanses around periods of time where it will minimally impact your life, they aren’t kidding. I couldn’t account for Jai’s cold, but considering I just dealt with the flu and he’s in close proximity to me, it wouldn’t be hard to extrapolate that he’d get sick too. So I probably should have delayed given the circumstances.

While this was a good start as far as length is concerned, I think a longer reset would be more effective for me. They say that it can take up to two months for a habit to stick and while I wouldn’t want to spend that amount of time on a reset, perhaps spending at least 9 to 12 days on it would be more ideal. It will help give me more time to break through some of my bad habits and understand my deeper cravings. I believe that the longer I go, the more random and intense the cravings are and I assume those are the really ingrained cravings that I might not normally notice. By bringing them to light, I can decide how to deal with them.

I think that my daily energy and feeling lighter comes from not eating after 7 pm. In fact, I would argue that the best thing I did through this entire reset was not eating after 7 pm. I think I have a lot of psychological energy tied up in my snacking late and this helped show me how dependant I was on it. I think that some of my extra weight comes from eating late and if I go a few more weeks not eating past 7 pm I might see some more weight lost because of it.

I don’t know how this impacted my MS, in fact, I don’t think it impacted it at all. It’s too short of a time for me to notice any appreciable changes in my health, but I did find that focusing on the regimen gave me something to think about and not worry about my MS as much.

Moving Forward

I am going to keep the following things from the reset: no eating after 7 pm and try to be in bed by 10 pm. Even if I don’t fall asleep right away, being in a position of rest helps get me through the next day and feel less tired when Jai wakes up in the middle of the night.

I am, however, going to pick up coffee again. I already have an Americano with my name literally on it waiting for me tomorrow morning. I really can’t go without my caffeine, no matter how healthier it might be for me. I need some vices.

I think I will consider doing some form of a reset every 6 months, almost like a booster shot. I considered doing a 3-day version every 3 months, but I will have to examine I am feeling with my diet at the beginning of March before I make any commitments. Doing it when my motivation is flagging will help keep me going and feeling good.

While I liked this modified version of the Ayurvedic detox, I am interested in examining other types of healthy resets. A juice cleanse, a raw food reset, possibly Keto, or just a very bland diet with nothing special to it. I want to make sure that whatever I try in the future it will be healthy and safe for me. By experimenting with different types, I might find the one that fits best for me or combine a couple into something that works. The whole point is to give my body a rest from all the junk I’ve put into it and feel refreshed by the end of it.

I will be eating a strict plant-based diet (no animal products whatsoever), no gluten, no sugar, and no alcohol. I may need to make a few exceptions here and there, but this will be stricter than I have been since before the holidays. So if I have a day or a meal where I indulge in something, it won’t be continued beyond that.

I want to shoot for June, a full 6 months of eating this way, as that will give my body plenty of time to remove the old stuff from my system, remove bad gut bacteria and allow the good bacteria to flourish. It will also help me determine if I have any allergies or sensitivities I was previously unaware of, like sugar.

2018 Health Goals

I anticipate that during the next 6 months I will reach my ideal body weight for my body type. If I want to be successful in this weight loss, I will need to maintain that ideal weight for at least 2 years. In order to do this, I will want to be more aware of my eating habits and if I re-incorporate anything back into my diet, do so in moderation. Allowing my eating habits to go out of control is what got me to my highest weight originally. I would like to not return to that point again.

When I go to see my neurologist in March, I want him to tell me that I am still doing well and that we don’t need to alter my treatment until I am ready. I already mentioned that I want to go the entire year flare-up free, which I think I can do by eating healthy, being mindful of my stress, and exercising.

I want to get my natural energy levels up to what I perceive is normal for everyone as often as I can. MS makes that difficult to do everyday, but if I can have more days with higher energy levels than not, I will consider that a success. This will be harder to measure, but if I feel that I can go the entire day without needing an actual nap, and just an hour of rest while Jai is sleeping, then it would be considered a low-fatigue day.

I will continue to check-in from time-to-time with how I am doing like before, but I will be shifting my blog focus away from my personal habits and onto healthier living habits overall.

What healthy goals have you made for this year? What are your plans to keep them?

Lifestyle & Blogging

2017: A Reflection

2017 was a good year for me.

Like many years, it was filled with its ups and downs. If I had to weigh it any particularly way, I would say that it was mostly filled with good times. But as the year closes, it’s important to reflect on the ups and downs to see what lessons the year taught me so I can approach 2018 fully prepared.

The Down Points

  • At the beginning of the year I dealt with a lot of stress with my social media intake. I found that the news and posts I was reading caused me a lot of frustration and took time away from Jai because I would get emotionally worked up. I realized that I had an issue with my internet usage, though I haven’t made many strides to correct that, other than blocking social media temporarily as a form of self-care.
  • I had an Optic Neuritis flare-up in July, and while most of these flare-ups are caused by personal stress, I have no clue where it came from.  I was picking up a project again around that time and perhaps the stress of that caused my flare-up, but I still am not 100% sure of what happened.
  • After dropping sugar, I discovered that I have a sensitivity to sugar cane. When I had some simple syrup in a drink several months ago, I found that I got a massive headache, fatigue, and felt nauseous. It’s rather disappointing to discover that I may not be able to consume normal sugar again. But I suppose it’s a good thing.
  • When I fell off track with my eating habits I found that I feel a little bit heavier, emotionally down, and have a lot more fatigue that is probably MS related. I think that once I do a diet reset and stick to my lifestyle changes, I will feel a lot better and resolve the bloat, depression, and fatigue; proof that food is fuel and what I consume impacts how I feel.

The Positive Points

  • After my flare-up in July, I found out that the brain lesions I previously had disappeared. While I am not sure about the status of the lesions on my spine, I do count the fact that my brain healed itself as a massive second chance I had needed in dealing with MS.
  • In March, my insurance provider reached out to me as a new mother with an accountability program to help get me motivated with improving my health. It was from here that the seeds of change started to form in my mind. The coach I worked with helped got me back into the idea of running, pushing me to do the training for the half-marathon back in October.
  • So far, through all my hard work, I have lost a total of 27 pounds since I started my blog. I am lower than I was in high school, something I never thought I would see again. I am still holding onto the big number from my heaviest weight during pregnancy to now. I am hoping I will reach that goal by March 2018 and announce it here.
  • Watching Jai grow has been an amazing experience. I was looking at some pictures from one year ago and it’s so hard to believe that is the same little boy. He’s laughing, starting to talk, figuring things out, walking all over the place… he is no longer a baby, but a full-fledged toddler.
  • I have made some personal strides in managing my personal stress. Ash and I were discussing it today, while I still get stressed over some stuff, I am light years ahead of where I was last year. I am learning to let things go and not let things bother me the same way as before.

MS//Mommy

I think the biggest change for me this year is having this blog. While I had the accountability coach, I made this my ultimate accountability buddy. If I said I was going to do something here, I made sure to stick with it. If I faltered, I made sure to own up to it as well.

I am grateful for my friend, Lady, for making the suggestion that I create a blog to track my changes. I have always wanted to be a writer, but never really had the confidence in my abilities. This blog provides me with the cathartic outlet to write how I want to with no restrictions. It also appeals to my love of research and compilation.

I am hoping to see this blog grow into something greater, though I am not sure what that will look like yet.

What I’ve Learned

The number one takeaway from 2017 is to “let it all go.” There are plenty of things that do require my worry and concern, but I am realizing that there are plenty of other things that aren’t as important. My priority is my family and my health, and everything else is just extra. Recognizing the difference between the two allows me to let the correct stuff go.

All of this seems cliche, but sometimes it really does take a low-point or a second chance  to get the important moments of self-reflection and accept what they say to us. I didn’t think I could do anything to help manage my disease without medication because I “attempted” to do so in the past.

“Attempted” meaning I didn’t really try very hard. I said I would eat healthy, but I wasn’t actually motivated to make the necessary changes.

But once I realized that I wanted to teach Jai how to be healthy and that I wanted to be around for him (in an active capacity) when he’s older, I decided that I needed to push myself to make the deep, psychological and physiological changes I had wanted to do for so long. Let everything go: mental baggage, physical baggage, emotional baggage.

I feel the healthiest I’ve ever been going into a new year.

Where I Would Like to Be in 2018

  • I want to figure out what foods serve me best and which ones I should avoid indefinitely (or consume on special occasions). I have my suspicions, but I am hoping after spending 6 months away from perceived troublemakers will help provide me with insight of what I should and should not consume. The month of June will be spent testing foods out and seeing how I react to them.
  • I would like to see the entire year without a single flare-up while I am still off of medication. Unless Jai self-weans in 2018, I don’t anticipate starting up Tecfidera just yet. If I can make it the whole year without a flare-up and feeling better without additional medication (amantadine for energy, Ritalin for energy/focus), then I will feel like I have temporarily seized control over my health.
  • Even more relaxed and not stressed out over things. Maintaining the “let it go” attitude, but also beginning to allow myself to feel more comfortable with myself. I haven’t been comfortable being myself for a long time, and since I am taking all these strides to feel better physically, I need to feel better mentally and emotionally. Stop trying to hide my true self in order to please others.
  • Reconsider my internet usage. Working on MS//Mommy is important, but I feel I spend way too much time on my phone outside of that. I’ve already started using the Forest App as a means to keep me off of my phone when Jai is up and about. I will need to consider going on a phone fast at some point during the year to break some bad habits.
  • While I never anticipated losing weight when I started all of this, I now have a weight goal in mind and that’s solidly in the healthy BMI range (+/- some pounds to account for fluctuation). I am just outside the actual range and it’ll be a few pounds more to get me where I want to be. This is low-level goal – so in order to maintain my sanity I am not going to focus as heavily on it.

2018 as a Teaching Opportunity

I think 2018’s motto should be “keep letting it go, no distractions, and push forward.” 2018 is going to bring a lot for me to handle, like any year, but I need to stay focused on not stressing out on stuff but keep moving forward even when the going is tough.

I anticipate hitting numerous walls, which is the norm for any sort of self-reflective/lifestyle change. I need to not let it get to me and keep going even when I feel down. Down days are okay, but what I do with them makes all the difference.

Here’s to a new year.

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope it’s a good one.

Personal Motivation

Checking In: Losing the Pounds

When I started to make these lifestyle changes several months ago, my main reason was to keep my MS under control, fight my fatigue, and model good eating/exercising habits for Jai.

It was never about weight loss.

In fact, I anticipated that I would lose 5 pounds TOPS and just continue on my way of maintaining a specific weight range as I made these changes. I lost around 20 pounds in the first few weeks after giving birth, but the weight slowly came back from bad habits formed during the first few months of breastfeeding.

I had fallen into the trap of “I am craving this and because I am burning extra calories from breastfeeding, I can afford to eat extra sugar/fried/foods without extra exercise.” It stung to see myself steadily rise back to my pre-pregnancy weight. That’s when I started thinking about making changes, but not really committing to anything productive.

I started this blog and after the first week of dropping sugar, I lost 3 pounds. Within a few more weeks, it was 9 more pounds. It’s been almost a month and a half since my last weight update and I’ve lost an additional 13 pounds. I have officially lost 25 pounds since I’ve started this blog. I have lost even more from my highest weight, though I am not ready to reveal that number yet.

I’m waiting until I hit a specific weight-loss number from my highest weight before I do a “before/after progress post.” I anticipate that will be within the first few months of the New Year. It’s a good goal to reach for when I recommit myself.

Continue reading “Checking In: Losing the Pounds”

The Check-In

Confession Time…

It’s the holiday season and that makes it very difficult to maintain any form of stick-to-it-tiv-ness when it comes to healthy habits. Exercising is harder with the colder weather and my running buddy is taking a slight break because of the holidays. It’s very hard to push yourself to get out of bed at 6am to go run in the cold.

Regarding my diet drops, I will admit I have lapsed. On a lot of things. Almost everything. Except sugar and fried foods. Sugar gives me such massive headaches that I can’t function for the rest of the day depending on how much I have and I think I have finally kicked the fried-food monkey. I don’t want to go through the psychological withdrawal again because of how difficult it was to get over.

I don’t consider any of this backsliding to be a failure. In fact, I consider it self-care. While I shouldn’t excuse myself for not meeting my personal goals, if I use this as a reminder that I can’t expect perfection and to be gentle with myself if I miss certain personal benchmarks, I won’t get discouraged.

Discouragement because of not meeting personal goals can spell the end of what is overall a positive and beneficial experience. I just need to maintain the mantra: tomorrow is another day and I can refocus once this “rough” period is over.

Continue reading “Confession Time…”