Love & MS

This post was originally published in February 2018. I’ve updated it to include a follow up since the original publication.


We don’t get to choose whether or not we get MS, nor do we get to decide when we get that diagnosis. For some, it comes while in a relationship, and for others, it happens outside of one.

Either scenario forces the following self-reflectiondoes my partner stay with me? And, do I disclose my situation on a date? MS is challenging because it turns partners or potential partners into caretakers.

It fosters self-doubt after the diagnosisis my partner with me because they feel obligated? Do they resent having to care for me? Are they only interested in me because they have to “fix” me? What happens if they leave or die before me?

It is little wonder that many bloggers and experts refer to MS as the third wheel in a relationship. It’s an unwanted obstacle that can put a strain on any current or budding relationship.

The Third Wheel

MS is the unpredictable cousin that comes into your life and needs a place to crash until they get on their feet. They take up space on a centrally located couch and refuse to leave when you want to watch a movie with your partner (or bring a date home). They say they are looking for a job, but really spend all day watching half-hour courtroom shows with ads for injury lawyers.

It’s that cousin that interrupts you every time you want to have a conversation with someone. Because of the interruption, you forget what you were saying and get frustrated because you can’t remember.

Simply put: MS is an unwelcome third-party to your relationship that isn’t going to leave anytime soon. No matter how many times you ask it to get its act together and move on.

Trying to figure MS out and how it factors into a relationship is extremely hard. In addition to maintaining a relationship, I am trying to learn my limitations. How much do I put on or ask of Ash? Should I even ask him to help? Is the relationship lopsided? Am I really that bad that I need his help? Or am I just imagining things?

MS is always hiding in the background of every thought or action I take. I have to plan out my day to make sure I have enough energy for when Ash gets home to make any interactions with him meaningful. I have to pause frequently and ask myself: am I feeling this way because this is normal for someone who only got 4 hours of sleep with a teething toddler, or is this because of the MS?

As you can see, I ask myself a lot of questions. I tend to overthink things, and so it takes a lot of energy to manage my MS. So when it is time for quality time with Ash, sometimes I just don’t have what it takes to be the partner I think he deserves.

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Learning through Painful Experiences

On the Adult Swim show, Rick and Morty, there’s a minor character named Mr. Meseeks. In a moment of extremely dark humor, something the show is famous for, Mr. Meseeks admits that “existence is pain.” When you live with a chronic illness, there’s a lot of truth to that phrase: life can be literally and figuratively painful at times. But there’s something we should know: we can learn through the painful experiences.

While the Mr. Meseeks character can “poof” away after fulfilling its purpose, we cannot leave. We are stuck trying to find a healthy way to manage our physical and emotional pain.

What Pain Teaches

Pain comes in many forms.

It can be physical, mental, or emotion. Often, we find it’s a combination of these three: if I am in physical pain, I might feel it emotionally as well. One leads into the other in a domino effect.

Physical Pain

When pain is in a physical form, it can teach us what we are capable of handling. If it’s an expected pain, one that we can mentally prepare ourselves for: an outpatient procedure, exercise, or giving birth, it reminds us that we are strong.

Often, after these moments pass, we recognize we’ve become stronger because of the pain/discomfort endured. Scar tissue heals tougher, muscles build up, or we have a beautiful little one to show for the struggle. We endure, we grow stronger, and we have something positive to show for it.

When the pain is unexpected, such as an undiagnosed chronic illness, it can be discouraging. Even if we expect the pain due to our illness, it’s often coupled with the uncertainty as to when it will end. When we willingly put ourselves through a physically painful experience, we have an expectation of knowing it will eventually end.

Exacerbations and chronic pain do not adhere to such a timeline.

But this pain can still teach us what we are capable of enduring, even in the moments we feel like we’re barely tolerating it.

Emotional & Mental Pain

Emotional pain is harder to grasp. It’s so nebulous that when we think we’ve caught it, rooted it out, and dealt with it; it pops up in some other form in another part of our life. Emotional pain is a constant game of “whack-a-mole.”

The scars are harder to see when we’ve endured emotional abuse. Anything can cause our emotional pain to grow out of control. Even the slightest look from a stranger can turn our positive mood into a dark space. It might take hours to days before we get back into a balanced state.

Mental pain can be equally difficult to deal with. It may be out of our control, requiring chemical intervention. Please continue to follow your healthcare professionals recommendations if you require chemical intervention to manage your mental pain.

These types of pain also provide important lessons: emotional pain teaches compassion, while mental pain teaches us to honor and nurture our fragile nature in a healthy way.

I found that these three forms of pain, physical, emotional, and mental, all teach me one thing: I can endure, and I grow into a stronger person because of it. Without pain to push me, I stay within my comfort zone and do not develop into the person I have the potential of becoming.

You can’t Stop the Pain…

As much as we’d like to, there’s no quick fix to handle our pain. We can abuse medication or find other unhealthy ways to escape it, but that isn’t handling the pain as much as it’s kicking the can down the road. This form of avoidance can deepen the pain, making it more difficult to manage, which turns into a negative cycle.

Please note: I am not referring to using prescribed pain medication as directed by an ethical healthcare professional. I am referring to the intentional abuse of prescriptions or illegal drugs as a means of escaping physical, emotional, and mental pain. If you, or someone you know, is abusing medication, please seek help now. You can break the negative cycle.

Pain will always be a part of our lives. We cannot escape it; we cannot avoid it. When we try to run from it, like “checking out” or procrastinating, it can exacerbate the pain, specifically mental, and make it feel more overwhelming. It’s often a struggle to confront it, which is what we must do if we are to move forward.

If you cannot stop the pain, what can you do?

…But you don’t have to Accept it

Exactly that.

You do not have to accept the pain. You have to endure it, yes, because it will always be present. But you don’t have to give into it and let it “win.” Rather, you can find ways to manage it so you can put it in proper perspective.

For physical pain, you can learn meditative techniques to manage the pain. You can speak with a healthcare professional about a healthy way to chemically treat the pain or referral to physical therapy. The pain may be telling you to slow down because you’ve done too much, so take some time to rest. You can look at it as a challenge to test your abilities to endure and flip it into something positive.

For the emotional and mental pain, find a competent therapist or qualified accountability partner to help you work through it. Figure out why you are in this pain, what triggers it, and how you can healthfully manage it. Use healthy distraction techniques to keep you moving in a forward direction and minimize getting “stuck” in one place.

Learn to work with, through, and around the pain so it no longer holds you back. It is just one more hurdle to overcome in life, with or without a chronic illness.

Learning Through Painful Experiences

Pain gets a bad rap for being negative. To be fair, it can be negative most of the time. But remember the planned pain, like with exercise? That pain can bring on positive growth. It teaches use we are strong by making us stronger.

Try to view the unplanned pain from illness or injury in a similar manner. It is teaching us something about ourselves: what we can do with it, how we can handle it, and possibly how our lives are better because of it. There are plenty of people out there that lose part of themselves, enduring pain from trauma, to come back stronger than before.

Pain teaches us a lot about ourselves, we just have to be willing to listen to what it has to say.


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Featured photo credit: Imani Clovis on Unsplash