Woman checking her smart watch after a run
Personal Motivation

Starting an Exercise Routine

There are many reasons why a person wants to incorporate more exercise into their daily lives: health, weight, or just something to do. It may be doctor prescribed or self-motivation, but the message is the same when starting out: I need to be more active.

But taking that first step can be the most difficult one. Where do you start? What equipment do you need? Do I need to join a gym? Is this even feasible?

There’s a lot of baggage to starting an exercise routine. Insecurities about how you’ll look as a beginner, how much money or time it might cost, or just how to stay motivated on the down days.

All of this is completely normal. The key is to push through these feelings by keeping the eye on the prize…but what might that be?

Continue reading “Starting an Exercise Routine”

Personal Motivation

Springing into Health

It’s April. We’re four months away from New Year’s resolutions. How are they doing?

This is a no-judgment zone, so if the answer is: “what resolutions?” or “uh…” Then no sweat because it’s hard to maintain them through the long, cold, and dark winter months.

Now that we’re heading into spring, why not take this month to recommit to healthy living? Even a small step such as drinking one extra glass of water a day is worth it.

For April, I am focusing on healthy living both inside and out: from restarting healthier eating and simple exercise routines; to taking a break from social media and the importance of embracing self-confidence (guest post!).

Whether you’re a health enthusiast or an intrepid beginner, this month will have something that speaks to you.


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Personal Motivation

MS Awareness Month…Final Thoughts

As we finish up MS Awareness Month I wanted to reflect on some thoughts that came up throughout the month.

I found this month to be deeply meditative because it forced me to confront some unresolved conflicts with my diagnosis. While I’ve moved into the acceptance stage with my MS diagnosis, there was some information that I ignored throughout the denial stage that I resolved this month. I had avoided, up until now, to learn the truth about the minor details.

It also forced me to consider how to have the MS conversation with Jai. While he’s too young to understand what MS is, being prepared to have the conversation will keep it natural and hopefully not overwhelm either of us.

I have been overwhelmed by the response to this month’s most popular post: “The first few days…” I honestly hadn’t expected this post to be popular. It was the hardest post to write, I worked on it for about two weeks because it emotionally put me back in the days right after the diagnosis. Those were some dark days, but I was able to pull them to have brighter days and feel more hopeful about my future.

I am hoping that its popularity meant it resonated with others and will provide some measure of comfort during those darker times.

Overall, this month was a difficult one to blog through because many of the posts required a level of emotional and mental fortitude I hadn’t expected. I poured a lot of myself into these posts and I am deeply grateful for the positive responses I’ve received from my various social media accounts.

But this was a wonderful month, it allowed me to feel connected to the MS community on a deeper level and amazed at all the strong fighters in my ranks. I conquered my third half marathon and have had the opportunity to work with some other extremely talented bloggers. Overall, this month was a success.

And remember, MS can’t catch us.

MM-MSMommy-tshirt-blackandwhite


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Parenting

Being Okay with “Normal”

Content Warning: some discussion of depression and negative self-talk. If you are depressed or know someone who is depressed and in need of help, please look at the resources available through the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. You can find support groups, therapists, and treatment options here. You are not alone.


Before figuring out how to make adaptations to my parenting, I had to learn to be okay with my new normal. Parenting with MS requires a few extra steps but with some adaptability, it’s hard to notice that there’s a difference.

It’s frustrating that I can’t be the parent I want to be, but I have to be at peace with myself. No amount of changes can stand up to feeling discouraged about my situation. Discouragement is normal and should be honored when it occurs, but how I cope with that discouragement matters.

This isn’t meant to be taken as advice or “what should be done,” but an insight into how someone deals with their MS and what works for them. If you are a parent with MS or newly diagnosed, remember to be gentle with yourself and don’t compare yourself to others. You are doing the best you can and that’s the most important thing.

A Fight for Control

Recognizing that I have no control over my fatigue and mental fog is the first step I’ve had to take to accept my limitations. I find workarounds with my fatigue (more on that in Friday’s post) and mental fog, so I am not giving into the lack of control. I am accepting that I cannot control it and there’s a huge difference between the two.

Hi, my name is Deborah and I am a control freak.

I’ve admitted this several times on the blog. I like to be in control of every aspect of my life: from relationships to professional projects, I try and control everything so it can be what I perceive to be as perfect.

Psychology does not support this attitude: maintaining strict control over everything is the quickest way to be extremely stressed out and unhappy. It may cause everything to spin more out of control if I try too hard.

As the linked article points out: “Wanting control leads to anger; this emotional response increases when control is impeded.” The more I try to control my situation, the more frustrated I get and exacerbate the situation.

How do I try to control my MS?

There is a level of regression that occurs in my grieving process: I go into denial and try to forget that I have MS. I will push myself physically and mentally and completely ignore my body’s warning signs.

Looking at Spoon Theory: if I use up all of my reserves (and then some) I have the potential of not being able to do anything for the rest of the day and possibly the next day. This happens more than I care to admit because I just want to get everything done on my “to do” list.

That’s why working on my priorities every morning is so important.

Emotionally, I try to control my MS by being hard on myself. I will berate myself if I wasn’t able to do a particular task to my liking or if I don’t get a post/email/social media interaction out in a reasonable amount of time. I find that I will sink into a slight depression when I focus too much on what I can’t do for myself and my family.

MS cannot be controlled. Its very nature does not allow for control.

Most of my frustration stems from a belief that if someone else can handle multiple projects at one time, why do I struggle to do a single task? I am constantly comparing my abilities to others and wishing I measured up.

Continue reading “Being Okay with “Normal””

Lifestyle & Blogging

The First Couple Days…Weeks…Months…


This is a conversation I wish someone gave me when I first received my diagnosis. While it is tailored specifically to MS, I hope some of the thoughts are universal enough for any difficult medical diagnosis.

CW: Discussion of suicide, self-harm, and depression within this post. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, please contact Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. If you are in crisis, text CrisisTextLine to connect with a crisis counselor. You are not alone.


After I got my MS diagnosis I went through a period of shock and relief. I was shocked that it was MS but relieved to finally have an answer. Ultimately, the shock overpowered the feelings of relief and I found that my emotions spiraled out of control.

I don’t remember the first couple days, I think I was numb from trying to process the information: it was like finding out a loved one had died. Every couple of minutes I’d get distracted enough to forget, but as soon as I turned my mind to it, my heart sank and it felt devastatingly fresh again.

The numbness I felt was me unable and unwilling to process the news. 

I was aware of MS since High School because my art teacher had it. I remember my mom telling me about MS, explaining why my teacher may seem fatigued or snappy towards the end of an afternoon class. I also remember sitting in the art room, watching my teacher gush about Cezanne and thinking two things to myself: one, “Oh god, I hope I never get MS;” and two, “it would be the end of my life if I ever got it.”

I was wrong on both thoughts. I may have MS, but my life isn’t over.

So You Have MS

Welcome to Club MS where no one wants membership. 

Right now you’re searching online for meaning and information. There is a lot of information out there and I understand that this post is going to add to the noise. I wrote a simplified post about MS, but I recommend checking out the NMSS for thorough information on the disease if you want specific medical details about MS.

I am not going to offer advice on how to cope with the news of the diagnosis, but provide insight to what I went through to normalize your experience to a certain extent. While working through a diagnosis is unique to each individual, there are certain aspects to the process that are universal. You are not alone in this journey.

There’s a good chance you will go through a range of emotions like I did. Hopefully, relief will be one of them because there is a sense of calm of finally having an answer to what is going on with your body. It makes what is intangible – tangible. What was presumed to be just in your head is now externally acknowledged by a medical professional.

These feelings of relief probably won’t comfort you past the first 48 hours or so. But it is something to keep in the back of your mind for later as you move through your coping process.

The next set of emotions may be frustration and betrayal.

I was frustrated that my body was attacking itself but equally betrayed by it. Here I was, at the end of my 20’s looking at a lifetime of disease; where Ash would have to take care of me if I progressed past a certain point; and I would be a physical, mental, and emotional drain to all of my loved ones.

As a younger person, the idea of having a disease or getting sick was something that happened to other people. I took what was presumed perfect health for granted. I remember thinking to myself: I lived my life relatively well, I was a good person, I did what I was supposed to, why is my body punishing me? What wrongs was I atoning for? This does not happen to good people.

I sank into a deep depression. I was completely lost about what I was facing, how I would face it, and how I would get through it. I felt completely selfish because I could only think about myself. I couldn’t and didn’t want to think about anyone else.

I went to a very dark place and stayed there for several months. There were moments where I was suicidal over the whole situation. If I killed myself, I would regain control of an out-of-control situation. More importantly, I would be able to remove myself from Ash’s life and no longer be a burden to him. The sooner I did it, the sooner he could move on and find a healthier partner.

I never acted on it, never made any serious plans. Instead, I pushed it down the road: if I start to be a burden for my loved ones – then I would do something about it.

I am not saying, nor am I recommending entertaining these thoughts, but by pushing the desire back it helped give me the clarity to healthfully resolve my thoughts on the matter and get to a point where suicide was no longer a viable option at any point in time.

It was around this point that I realized I was going through a form of grieving after getting the diagnosis. Grieving a medical diagnosis for yourself is, in fact, normal. It helped contextualize what I felt in the months after my diagnosis. It also helped me move through the stages more effectively because I now knew what I was experiencing was normal.

Continue reading “The First Couple Days…Weeks…Months…”