Self-doubt-influenced-by-others

When Others Influence our Self-Doubt

I forgot about the pull of peer-influence as an adult. It’s still there, in my life like it’s always been, but I’ve learned to tune it out better or deceive myself into thinking that others aren’t influencing my actions. It wasn’t until Jai started mimicking other children that I remembered how significant the influence of others can be in our lives. Self-doubt comes within, but others can influence it as well.

Sometimes friends or family members repeat a concern out of love, but it isn’t delivered appropriately. Other times, people will behave with the intent to bring us down emotionally so they might lift themselves up.

If you experience internalized self-doubt and couple it with externalized behavior of others, it can become extremely discouraging.

When Self-Doubt is Influenced by Others

My external sources of self-doubt aren’t distinct. To be honest, I don’t even believe these sources know they are doing it. As it is for us: we don’t sometimes recognize when we’re bringing someone else down, possibly feeding into their negative internal narrative.

I’ve had people want to help in certain areas of my life only to lose interest when I take them up on it. It’s somewhat discouraging and leaves me feeling bad because I asked for help and inconvenienced them. This plays into my self-doubt because I hate being a burden on others.

I often stop myself from trying something new or different if it requires me asking others for help.

I know someone who has to be the smartest person in the room. It’s infuriating because it’s clear they are insecure about their own abilities. I am often left in awe by the scope of their knowledge on a particular subject that I have little interest in. But when they talk about it with such expertise and enthusiasm, I find myself invested.

When there is knowledge/interest overlap, and I am more knowledgeable on a subject, this individual nitpicks at the minor mistakes I make (often revolves around correcting my spelling in a hastily composed text). They will slide in with “corrections” if they think I got a factoid wrong, though often they are wrong in their corrections. I learned from previous encounters not to say anything because they won’t let it drop, regularly sending me a message many hours later pointing out how they are technically correct.

Coupled with my MS, I find this behavior extremely discouraging. My memory already is spotty, and so I’ve been humbled to no longer trust myself when it comes to information. To have someone pick away at my knowledge base so they might feel better about themselves makes me feel awful.

Choosing not to Listen

We have two choices when it comes to these external influences to our self-doubt: listen to them or not listen to them. I am going to advocate to not listen to them if they make you feel bad.

Sometimes others provide us with excellent objective insight that is worth considering, but we’re discussing the moments their input negatively exacerbates self-doubt.

When I feel bad about asking for help, I found alternative solutions to my situation. Many of these solutions propelled me forward in ways I hadn’t expected. Allowing myself to be tethered to asking for help was holding me back. When I removed the external source of self-doubt, I removed that instance of doubt in my life.

For the person who needs to be smarter than me: I still find it irritating to get caught in a conversation with them, but I no longer allow them to tear me down. Rather than revealing my knowledge on a subject (fortunately they don’t remember what I am knowledgeable about, so this is easy), I just play along with that they are presenting me with new information. I reflect the conversation back and work on being compassionate to their insecurity.

I won’t say it’s easy. I still have my moments where I complain to Ash about them and how irritated I feel about my treatment, but it’s getting more tolerable with each interaction.

If I don’t engage with their behavior, I have no reason to start doubting my memory or intelligence. I consciously make the decision not to give them the opportunity to make me feel bad about myself.

Letting Go of the Negativity

When others exert their influence on us, even unconsciously, it’s because they have their own negativity they have to work through. They may reach a point where they can do so, or they may never get there.

Unfortunately, it’s up to us to forgive them for their behavior towards us. Just like we must forgive ourselves for our mistakes, we must forgive them even when they don’t apologize. When we don’t forgive them, we allow the hurt and pain they cause to continue.

To be clear: forgiveness is not saying their behavior is “okay.” It’s no longer giving power to their action to continue to hurt us emotionally/mentally. When we allow others to feed into our self-doubt, we give them precious head and heart-space. Our time is better spent elsewhere, like taking care of ourselves in our chronic illness.

These people will continue to hurt us, and we will need to continue to forgive them. Hopefully, you will be able to get to a point to either excise them from your life or, it no longer bothers you.

Make the decision no longer let others influence your self-doubt. You don’t need to tell them that you are forgiving them, in fact, unless they ask, there’s no point in saying anything to them. Hopefully, you’ll find the interactions easier once you stop giving into the negativity.

With forgiveness, embrace compassion towards them if you can. These external influences are hurting in their own ways. Understand that their inability to help you or insecurity in their personal life impacts how they behave. It isn’t your fault they are like that, they have ineffective coping mechanisms.

It’s not your job to fix them, but your responsibility to protect yourself. Stay focused on keeping your mind healthy and out of the negative influence of others.


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Embracing our Imperfections through Forgiveness

At the beginning of the month, I discussed hating self-improvement. That’s still true: I hate having to do things for my own good. One of the many reasons why I dislike it is because self-improvement dredges up imperfections. When I hold up a mirror to myself, I see all the things I want to change and feel discouraged by what I must do. Self-compassion teaches that we should embrace our imperfections, specifically with self-forgiveness.

We desire to get as healthy as we can given our situation.

One way to do that is to move beyond what we view as imperfection. If you are like me and take each “imperfection” as a personal slight, there is a lot of resentment built up for yourself. In these moments it’s important to say “I’m sorry” to yourself, whether you mean it or not.

So at this moment, let’s collectively say “we’re sorry” and begin the process of healing.

Embracing our Imperfections

In my posts about self-compassion, I write about the importance of accepting our destiny to be imperfect beings. I’ve learned this the hard way. I grew up viewing my imperfections as blights rather than as opportunities for growth.

When I realized I needed to embrace my imperfection, I took a moment to apologize to myself, whether I needed to or not.

At first, I felt like the apologies were unnecessary. Why should I apologize for having a perfectly natural emotion, like anger? I don’t have to apologize for that moment I was socially awkward. I was apologizing for the wrong things to start: I wasn’t getting to the heart of the matter. But by beginning the process, I could see the moments where the self-apology was necessary.

I realized that I wasn’t actually apologizing for the anger. Anger is a normal emotion, and there is no need to apologize for it. But the consequence of my passion, the fallout where I spent hours berating myself for a small mistake. That I had to apologize to myself for. Each moment I engaged in self-destructive behavior, I owed myself an apology.

The behavior I engaged in would be unacceptable if a friend, family member, or stranger did it to me. Why should I accept the bullying behavior from myself?

If you’ve found that you mistreated yourself for whatever reason, consider taking a few minutes to apologize. Say it internally or externally. It can be as quick or as long as you need. But consider saying “I’m sorry,” to yourself.

Forgiveness as a Tool

When you apologize to yourself, forgiveness becomes a valuable tool. Studies reveal that the act of forgiveness lowers stress and helps aid in managing chronic illnesses. Forgiveness is self-compassion, where it provides us with an opportunity to heal and embrace ourselves as we are at this moment.

Let’s discuss what forgiveness is not: it is not about the pasting getting away with its actions; letting others get away with an injustice; nor is it about completely discarding personal pain.

Forgiveness is about no longer allowing the past having a negative hold on us. The past serves as an opportunity to inform our present and future, but we can let go of the control it has on us.

We extend compassion towards those who hurt us, especially ourselves when we embrace forgiveness. In these moments, we are giving up a lot of control, as holding onto the pain and resentment is a form of unhealthy control, and allowing ourselves to heal.

When you start to forgive yourself, hopefully, you’ll experience the consequence of getting out of a personal rut. You may find that all you are mentally waiting for is that apology and opportunity to say, “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness in Daily Life

Next time you have a moment of personal frustration, say you flubbed something due to memory fog or fatigue. You spend the next five minutes mentally ripping yourself a new one.

Stop. Take a breath. And say “I’m sorry for being so upset for that flub. I recognize it wasn’t necessarily your fault and you didn’t mean anything by it.” Say what you might want to hear from someone else.

Then stop again. Listen to those words and hold them in your emotional center. Say “I forgive you.”

Try not just to say it. Mean it. Forgive yourself for each perceived transgression you experience in the day. Open up your emotional center and feel the love that comes with forgiveness. Each time you start down a negative path, actively say, “I forgive you,” to yourself.

Use forgiveness as a stress-relief tool in your kit for combating your chronic illness. With some practice, you’ll find it will be easier to achieve daily. Recognize that you are worthy of your own love and compassion.


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Featured photo credit: Canva


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Setting a Positive Example

I haven’t had a parenting post in a while, so it’s time for one. If you are like me, and a parent with a chronic illness, thoughts of “how can I be a better parent” come up in moments of self-reflection. A constant concern I have is, am I setting a positive example for Jai? Am I being a good mother, especially in the moments my illness seems to take over?

I feel like there’s a lot of expectations placed on mothers, especially on how we project ourselves in public and private. When we have moments where we are vulnerable, we get frustrated. Coupled with a chronic illness, especially invisible ones where society forgets we are ill, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.

For myself, in the moments I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I struggle to set a positive example. With my MS, I feel obligated to set an example about the importance of handling things out of our control in a positive way.

When we have a Little Clone

It isn’t always the case, but have you noticed being closely aligned with a parent in personality? More like your mother or your father? Or a nice blend of both? If you are a parent, you may notice your child favors you or your partner more in personality.

This may be frustrating because two strong personalities in the same home is a recipe for conflict. But it can be a wonderful bonding experience if approached properly. The parent whom the child favors is able to identify personality quirks and be sensitive to particular needs. Rather than being an adversary, the parent can be a valuable alley within the home.

When a child is similar to us, it’s a wonderful opportunity to see our own behaviors in their purest form. Children can provide a deeper insight to ourselves.

I find that Jai teaches me how to behave better. Observing his interactions on the playground, he does not get upset when another child steals his toy. Rather than getting upset, he’ll move on to another toy. It’s an opportunity for me to learn from his wisdom: focus not on the loss of the toy, but the opportunity to do something else.

I recognize his behavior is age/developmentally based. In a few months, he may not behave so passively in a similar situation.

In those moments of adaptability, I encourage his behavior. Likewise, I want to make sure he doesn’t pick up my bad habits. Rather than swooping in and letting Jai know that something negative happened, I try to be as non-reactive to keep the situation calm and under control. My instinct is a bad habit developed over the years: take the toy back while reprimanding the offending child for not knowing how to share. This teaches Jai to be aggressive in a negative way and I don’t want to encourage that.

If Jai is upset over losing something, it is better I show him how to ask for a toy back in a nice manner, rather than fight bullying with bullying.

Setting a Positive Example to Children

Children, even in their worst moments, provide us with valuable insight to our own behaviors. They observe our every moment, behavior, and style of speech. A few weeks ago, when I braked the car suddenly, I heard from the backseat, “what are you doing?” directed at the driver causing me to brake.

I knew in that moment I needed to be more aware of the language I used while driving around the city.

Consider this: next time your child behaves in a manner you find problematic, step back and see where that behavior was modeled for them. Was it from you? A co-parent? A secondary caregiver? School? If you find that it is a reflection or response to your own behaviors, consider finding a way to change it so you model the behavior you want your child to have.

This might be particularly difficult to achieve with a chronic illness, but it is still possible. Use your illness as a teaching moment: sometimes we cannot control our own behaviors because of an exacerbation, but we are doing the best we can with what we have.

When you mess up, rather than ignoring it, sit down with a child and explain what happened. Do not excuse it. Provide a reason to your thinking and behavior, or admit you don’t know why. Walk a child through how you plan to approach the situation in the future and acknowledge that you may not remember/achieve it the next time. Admit to your imperfection, and reassure the child that it’s okay to be human but not okay to hurt others. Finally, make sure you apologize to your child if necessary.

Treat your child, no matter their age, like the human they are with all the respect that goes with it. You’ll find that the example you set, no matter when you start, will eventually payoff with some patience and compassion on your part.


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Featured photo credit: Michelle Melton


taking-my-chronic-illness-out-on-others

Externalizing My Illness

Since my diagnosis, I’ve had days where I took my chronic illness out on others. Especially those closest to me. Ash has (and still does on my bad days) weathered my emotional storms. There are days where I cannot effectively handle my emotions, and he’s stayed strong for me.

I’ve gotten better, but at the beginning of my health journey, I would purposefully nettle or act in a manner to stir up trouble in my relationship with Ash. I recognize now that they were moments where I projected my emotions onto him: I was upset with life and I wanted to externalize those feelings by taking them out on someone else.

Misery Loves Company

It’s true. Those who are miserable love company.

We’ve encountered it at one point or another: people bringing us down because they feel miserable. Strangers driving badly because they are angry; customers yelling for the manager because of a perceived slight; or a friend undercutting our happy moments by inserting a negative non sequitur.

Personally, I dealt with colleagues who blamed me for their personal problems and close ones not invested in my personal success because of their lack of success.

When others project their misery onto us and we engage with it, we become miserable ourselves.

The Misery of Chronic Illness

A chronic illness is misery enough: fatigue, mental & emotional frustrations, and other painful physical exacerbations to name a few. Often times making it through the day is about maintaining our emotional fortitude. Some days we make it at the end of the day not feeling entirely awful and other days we give into our emotional misery.

When we have a day where our illness overwhelms us, it’s easy to feel miserable. There is a time and place for grieving, but when we externalize that grief beyond ourselves and at others that it becomes problematic. Venting to others is reasonable, we cannot keep everything in, but if we snap at a friend of family member; say something we know is particularly hurtful for the sake of hurting them; or try to manipulate the situation to make someone miserable, we go too far.

I think if we need a moment to vent, especially relating to our illness, we should find someone who understands and preface our venting with “I am not directing any of this at you. I am having a bad day with my illness, so I need someone to vent to…may I?” Not only do we provide them with a warning, but we also give them with the ability to say “no” as well. It is important to respect their decision should they say “no.” They may be having a bad day as well and they cannot provide adequate support without harming their own health.

When we take our negative emotions and energy out on others, we bring them down and we run the risk of alienating those we care about. A day may come where they recognize that they need to remove us from their life to stay healthy.

Acknowledging the Double Standard

When I recognized my bad behavior, I saw that I set up a double standard. It was okay for me to behave badly, but not okay for others to behave badly around/toward me.

I got so caught up in my MS that I didn’t take the time to recognize my expectations for others and how high they were. While it is important to have expectations for those who surround us, after all those expectations can protect us from toxic relationships, the expectations should be reasonable.

I put pressure on others, they were not aware of this pressure, where if they did not listen to me or acknowledge my pain in a particular moment, then they were a poor friend. These were relationships where it was weighted towards me, where I took a lot out of the relationship. So in the moment where they demonstrated some resistance to my one-sided behavior, I dismissed them as a poor friend.

Yikes.

Adding in a chronic illness, it’s easy to develop a built-in excuse for our poor treatment of others. We can have an (understandable) chip on our shoulder because our bodies betrayed us. We feel we’re owed something, so we take what we are owed by externalizing our feelings onto others. Should others treat us in a similar manner…

Once I recognized the double standard I set up for myself and those around me, I was able to take steps to stop engaging in that double standard. I have yet to reach out to those I’ve hurt, I am not at that point yet, but I know I can stop behaving in a manner that is toxic and harmful to others.

I can also take the steps to be more mindful of other people’s journey and respect that they might be going through something equally troublesome that causes them to behave a particular way. It’s never used as a means to excuse bad treatment, but as a means to be compassionate to their situation.

Resisting the Urge

I built up a pattern of bad behavior of taking my chronic illness out on others over years. It’s going to take a long time to unlearn the bad patterns and relearn healthy ones. I still have urges to take my emotional pain out on Ash, but I am quicker to apologize if I do, or I try to preface by saying I need a moment to vent.

I’ve been slowly pulling myself away from toxic sources that might cause me to backslide into negativity and making my peace with my MS. Recognizing that I was externalizing my pain was also a major step in the positive direction. Knowing what I am doing helps eliminate the desire to keep doing it.

Having a chronic illness is no fun, but it’s no one else’s fault that I have one. Not mine, not friends, not strangers, nobody. Taking my emotional pain out on them accomplishes absolutely nothing because I tend to feel worse afterwards.

I have learned to resist the urge as much as possible, but be gentle when I have a moment when I do give into it. Apologize when necessary and understand when others are in a similar space. It’s a way to lower my stress and manage my MS in a healthy way.


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Featured photo credit: Matt Hardy on Unsplash


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Frustrating Personality; Strong Emotions

I’ve often thought to myself, “Man, I have a frustrating personality.” My combative nature negatively impacted my personal relationships. For a long time, I wanted to change my personality, but I believed when I was told that personality is fixed. If I was a pushy person, then I would always be assertive and no deviating from that behavior.

I am discussing personality because it’s one of those things that I highlighted as a dislike in moments of self-reflection. I can imagine some introverts wish they were more outgoing while some extroverts wish they were more introverted.

Since becoming more self-reflective, I found my personality shifted without realizing it. It’s not a significant shift, but I am noticing that life is a little easier than it once was, despite the chronic illness. I would fight certain aspects of my personality, but now I accept them. I’ve found this openness levels me less stressed and more personally satisfied.

Personality: Inflexiable?

So is the personality inflexible? The answer is yes and no.

Often major life experiences can shift our personality one way or another, but there are core things about ourselves we cannot easily change. An introvert cannot become an extrovert overnight. They might be able to have more extroverted moments, but they may never reach the same levels of extroversion as someone else.

There are five traits to our personalities. These are the dimensions that help define and shape who we are:

  • Openness
  • Conscientiousness
  • Extraversion
  • Agreeableness
  • Neuroticism

Each of these aspects is flexible in of themselves, but the degree of flexibility will vary from person-to-person. As I go through each trait, you may notice that you were once curious about a new venture that you are now extremely cautious. This is where the personality shift comes in and why they can be more flexible than you expect.

As I go through each type, I place no value judgment on the examples I provide.

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