This is the second week in a 3-week series on parenting observations. Week one is based on gentle parenting, week two is about parenting with compassion, and week three is about parenting with a disability.
These posts are based on my personal experiences as a parent and are not meant in any way to judge other parenting styles or decisions. I am offering my personal research and conclusions as possible suggestions for others out there, therefore these posts will be as objective as possible. When it comes to parenting: provided the method isn’t abusive, there really isn’t a wrong way to parent your child. Be secure and do what works best for you and your family and ignore outside judgment.
This week isn’t based on any parenting style, it’s about remembering the importance of incorporating compassion in day-to-day parenting. It’s easy to forget being kind to ourselves when having a particularly rough day, but by keeping it in the back of our minds each day we can combat any unwarranted judgments we make.
Incorporating compassion into the daily routine won’t alleviate all the stress from parenting, but it will help make the more stressful moments easier to handle and remind ourselves of our humanity. We are imperfect beings and tend to be the hardest on ourselves when we feel that we aren’t living up to our expectations. Yet, it is important to remember that the person most deserving of compassion is yourself.
Nota bene: This post will be using the universal “you/second person” pronouns throughout, so while it may not speak to your experience directly, it may apply to someone else you know.
Embracing our Flaws
Humans aren’t perfect.
I feel like that is worthy of a “well, duh” response. But perfectionists need constant reminders that they aren’t perfect. Perfectionists try so hard to get everything right, everything in place, everything “just so” that they forget they are attempting to achieve the impossible: humans cannot be perfect and anyone who attempts to do so will be doomed to fall short of expectations.
Again, all of this is pretty obvious.
That desire for perfection can transfer over to parenting. For myself, I want to make sure I do everything just right for Jai so he is well-rounded, well-adjusted, and a happy human being. But the thing is, in my desire to be perfect, I am setting him up to fail.
The best thing I could for Jai is show him my failings as a person and as a parent. It humanizes me to him, but more importantly, it provides a healthy example of an adult making mistakes, owning up to them, and handling them in a mature way.
How I handle my imperfections is important. When I mess up, I need to show him that it’s okay and to apologize either to him or in front of him. Sit down and explain that I have flaws and how we handle those flaws are important. I want him to see how I grow from my mistakes so he knows that mistakes aren’t a bad thing, but a chance to become a better person.
That’s all easy to say in theory, but in practice, it’s one of the hardest things a parent can do. There’s always that fear of undermining ourselves in front of our children. I am not sure if that will entirely be the case. I suspect it will allow them to have a deeper respect, and therefore more likely to listen to us, than cause them to misbehave and not listen.
When we do something that we don’t like, when we have that moment of imperfection, it is important to be mindful of what it is about that moment that upsets and frustrates us. Understand that we are doing the best we can in the given circumstances and figure out what would be better tools to use in the future.
By embracing flaws and acknowledging them as part of our humanity, we can free ourselves from our personal judgment. There will be moments when the judgment comes through and we may be frustrated with ourselves, but by being mindful in those moments can help refocus us on what we are capable of doing for our children.