finding-your-strength

Finding Your Strength

It’s time to ask for help. How do you do it? How do you find your strength to put yourself in the vulnerable position of asking others to help you? For some of us, when we reach a point of needing help, it feels like rock bottom. Like we’ve exhausted all of our options, and so we must look elsewhere to move forward. It can be emotionally draining.

But it isn’t a rock bottom, and we aren’t hopeless if we acknowledge we need help. We aren’t defeated, we are strong, and we will get through it with others.

We must find our strength to ask and to receive help.

Finding Your Strength in Connections

How do you find your strength to ask for help?

Often, we don’t want to acknowledge that we need to ask for help, yet every human needs a hand at some point. When you ask for help, you grow stronger. Your connections deepen, you might now understand a concept better, and you might get that boost you’ve needed to get ahead.

The struggle comes when you reach out and realize the extent of your social connections. Often we give to others, not necessarily expecting reciprocation. Still, when we need help, those same people are unavailable to help. I can’t count how many times I’ve put myself out only to have the friend ghost me when I need them

It’s discouraging and can interfere with asking for help. So, rather than thinking you can do it on your own, continue to reach out. If you get a lackluster response, remember that your friend might legitimately be unable to help you at the moment. If you suspect it’s because they are a taker, then you grow stronger, knowing the nature of your friendship. You can put them down your friendship mountain, and minimize the stress they caused in your life (hopefully guilt-free).

You want to surround yourself with friends and family who want to help make you stronger. Listen to you when you need them, and accept your help when you can give it. Don’t base relationships on reciprocity alone, but you want to know that it’s there when needed.

If you surround yourself with reliable connections, you may never need them for help. Still, it will make asking a little easier. It’s a good thing for your physical and mental health to surround yourself with positive people.

Help Me, Help You

The best way to get help from others is by providing them with efficient tools to help you. Figure out the best ways a person can help before asking. If you have a demonstrative and sensitive friend, they might be the best person to turn to for a good cry. If you have an emotionally distant friend who copes through humor, go to them when you need cheering up.

Play to your friends’ strengths.

Sometimes we know automatically what our friends can handle. If we are at a loss, ask them how they can help. Sometimes our sensitive friend is better as a chauffeur than a confidant. When you take your friends’ abilities into account when you ask for help, you respect their boundaries. You also minimize rejection or feelings of discomfort because you are sensitive to their strengths.

People want to help each other, but we also want to respect what they are comfortable doing.

Putting it into Perspective

When you find your strength, remember to maintain perspective. It’s hard to step outside of our chronic illness to recognize that someone else might be going through an equally tough time. While it may not be your responsibility to take care of someone else, you do want to be sensitive to what’s going on in their lives.

If I know a friend is going through a rough period and I am in need of some help, I will either turn to someone else or find a way to make the least amount of fuss. Often, I will make jokes about my own life to cheer them up, and in doing so, it helps me feel better. The help I need most often is a connection, and a friend can help me without even realizing it.

A friend may not tell me when they are going through a rough patch, so when they reject helping me, I try to remember my own experiences. I’ve had people need me while I’m coping with a minor exacerbation, and I’ve had to say “no,” to help them. I feel bad about rejecting them because I often feel like I could have helped anyway. But the point of saying “no,” was for self-care reasons. The same could be for a friend: they may be saying “no,” for their health. It is essential to respect that.

Remember that everyone is going through their mess of stuff, so when people behave a particular way, it has nothing to do with you. Take connections at face-value and don’t read into their reasonings, unless you know what’s going on for sure. You grow your strength from being resilient when friends can help you and the times they can’t.

We are all going through this journey together, so look to each other as opportunities to grow and mature by helping each other. You never know who might need that strength you model by asking for help.


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Is it Weakness to Ask for Help?

Weak. Loser. Faking.

These words jumble around my head when I want to ask for help. I am afraid of appearing weak or taking advantage of others that I don’t ask for help even when I should. It’s hard to move beyond our thoughts, but when we do, we show our greatest strength. We acknowledge what we can handle and what we cannot. It’s is humbling asking for help, but it is a test of our character and the character of those around us.

Getting to that point of asking for help is hard. There’s a lot of cultural and personal baggage we must work through first.

Western Culture & the Weakness Narrative

My insecurity over asking for help does not come in a vacuum. Western culture, particularly in America, has a negative attitude for those who ask for help. If you have a chronic illness and need to go on disability or welfare, you know what I am saying. Drug testsnegative nicknames, and accusations of freeloading all make up the national narrative surrounding people who need to ask for public help.  

You can make the argument that these are examples of public help and not the same as asking those immediately around you. When the national discourse towards support is so hostile, it’s challenging to feel comfortable broaching the subject. Countless times I’ve wanted to start a conversation with an individual only to find their feelings on a particular matter do not align with mine, and they are rather passionate about it. It’s easier to stay silent than to open up.

This attitude against helping others is unrealistic and isn’t the truth. We often heard success stories and the individual thanks all of the people that helped them along the way. Mentors, networks, sheer luck all play a role in getting a person to meet their goals. 

But when we have an invisible illness and hear stories of discrimination, it is hard to want to reach out for help. Even if it’s getting a placard to park closer to a store because sometimes its easier to walk a bit farther than deal with notes, stares, or rude comments. 

If you live in America, as I cannot speak to other countries, it is a hostile environment to ask for help even if getting help is normal.

Internal Fears & Insecurities

Admittedly, much of what I just said has everything to do with personal insecurities. You may be lucky enough not to have a problem asking for help. But sometimes our illnesses tap into our insecurities by the very nature of the disease itself. We may not be able to control the feelings of uncertainty because the illness takes over.

But if you had insecurity over asking for help before your diagnosis, the chronic illness might exacerbate that insecurity. Now that I need help from others, I am more afraid to ask. I don’t look sick, I run frequently and act “normal,” so when I ask for help, I must be trying to take advantage?

These fears are unreasonable, and I completely acknowledge that, but I can’t stop them from popping into my head and preventing me from asking for help when I need it.

If we can ask for help, and do so with respect, then we won’t take advantage of others. You will probably flatter your friends when you ask because you’ve trusted them with a part of your life you may not show often. Think about the time others have asked you for help and how that makes you feel. You probably appreciate the opportunity to help someone you care about in some small way.

It shouldn’t be different when you are the one asking for help.

The Problem with Asking for Help

When we ask for help, there is a chance of rejection. What happens when we put ourselves out there, and we get rejected or a wishy-washy response? How do we handle that?

We also open ourselves up to criticism, comments, or unsolicited advice. How many times have you heard the “well, if you try this, my friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend found it helped them?” When you need help, it’s an open door for those sorts of comments. 

Rejection and “well-meaning” comments bring feelings of shame, so we might pre-empt those feelings by not bothering to ask.

Remember this: only you can let yourself feel shame. Only you can make yourself feel weak. Regardless of the response, you can choose to let the comments bother you, or you can decide it’s not worth it. If there is a pattern of a friend or family member making you feel wrong with their comments, then perhaps it’s time to move them down your life mountain.

Breaking Free from the Mindset

Ultimately, we have to suck it up and ask others for help. It’s easy to say this given societal pressures against asking for help, but we have to put our health first. If you want to be a help to those closest to you, then you must take care of your needs first.

When you ask for help, you aren’t revealing weakness, but strength. You are putting your vulnerabilities out there and showing that you are self-aware enough to need help. Often, I find people respond favorably to me when I unapologetically show my vulnerability.

Only you can make yourself feel exposed. People might comment to help support those feelings, but you can reject them in the same way they are rejecting you.


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Stress and MS



Stress and MS.

These two go hand-in-hand. Without one, you wouldn’t get the other. Stress is a universal problem, something everyone deals with at some point in their life. Sometimes it is good, it motivates us to push through a problem for a solution. Other times it can hinder us and negatively impact our health.

I’ve talked about stress multiple times on the blog, but I knew that for MS Awareness month it deserved its own post. Stress plays such a big role in coping with MS, that for some of us, it induce our initial symptoms.

What is Stress?

Experts talk about stress on the morning talk shows. We complain to friends about it. Universally, we know and understand stress. But physiologically, what is stress and how does it affect someone who isn’t suffering from MS?

Stress is the body’s response to changes in mental, emotional, or physical changes. While the body is designed to handle stress, too much can trigger a negative physical reaction. If enduring a period of long and extreme stress, you are more likely to get sick. Your body starts to work against itself: ulcers, headaches, depression, anxiety/panic attacks to name some conditions induced by stress.

But it’s not always a bad thing.

Stress as a Positive

I firmly believe in good and bad stress. I thrive on positive stress: working on an important personal project and working up to the deadline to complete it.

Stress is one of the main drivers to get me to write as much as I do for the blog. It keeps me on track and keeps me posting.

I find that it’s such a major motivator in my life: I am freaking out to complete something, but I feel so productive once it’s accomplished. Turns out that “good” stress is a thing: it’s also known as eustress. Eustress we know we can handle and it’s usually short-term. It’s not necessarily easy to handle, but it’s manageable and can be used to drive us forward.

It’s what helps make an effort towards self-improvement.

Stress as a Negative

When we think about stress, it’s usually negative. It’s what causes us to freeze and feel burnt out. It’s hard to work through and can leave us feeling tense and angry.

This sort of stress is the kind that shortens your lifespan. It’s the kind that you have very little control over. When life throws hurdle after hurdle at you, and there’s no way to get out from underneath it, it’s this form of “distress” we experience.

This distress is where morning shows stake their segments upon. We buy books, browse blogs, pin ideas, and take classes all trying to cope with the distress we experience. We want to get rid of it because of how uncomfortable and miserable it makes us feel.

Unfortunately, we have very little control over when it ends and what it does in our lives.

Stress and MS

I spoke with my neurologist a year or so into my diagnosis and mentioned a potentially stressful situation. I asked him about how this situation would impact my health and my MS.

“Negatively,” was his response, “ask [those involved] to knock it off and do you want a prescription to give them?”

We had a good laugh over the absurdity of doing such a thing, but it got me to thinking. I was still in the middle of a stressful situation with graduate school and I wondered if it was contributing to some of the “secondary” MS symptoms I experienced: memory fog and fatigue.

I was not wrong: stress does lead to flare-ups. Curious enough, having MS (or any chronic illness) can cause stress too. It turns into a vicious cycle: you worry about the disease, the disease acts up, which stresses you out even more.

Exacerbations Induced by Stress

This study, published in 2004, looked at all the studies associated with MS, stress, and exacerbations over the period of thirty-eight years. They found a connection between stress that increases the chances of exacerbations with those diagnosed with MS.

If you have MS and found that your exacerbations or just your normal symptoms get worse when coping with a stressful situation, you aren’t imagining it. I personally found relief in knowing that managing my stress was a way to lower my chances of getting an exacerbation.

I understand that I am in a unique position to be able to manage my disease to lower my chances of an exacerbation. Not all people with MS are able to do so, if at all. There are days where stress gets close to causing an exacerbation, but I am able to recognize what is happening to help slow everything down to avoid it.

The Emotional Toll

Anecdotally, I can say for certain that extremely stressful situations, particularly relating to my personal life, increases my chances of getting an exacerbation. I was shocked at how quickly a flare-up appeared when I was in the middle of an extremely stressful moment and my arm started to go numb. Normally, I wake up with the exacerbation. It doesn’t literally happen before my eyes.

Thankfully, when I resolved the situation, the numbness went away within a day.

What’s most annoying about stress is that I have to plan my life around it. I have to take it into consideration when making major decisions. Will this freak me out? Will this bring on an exacerbation?

As I mentioned in my posts about toxic relationships, I’ve had to learn to be okay with cutting toxic people out of my life because of the problems the relationship induces. It’s discouraging when I have to manage relationships for my MS because there’s always this fear of lacking compassion on my part.

I’ve had to learn how to deal with feeling selfish which is always an uncomfortable place to be in.

Managing my stress is emotionally draining and stressful in itself. Later this week, I will discuss how exactly I manage it. Hint: self-compassion is involved along with learning to no longer care.


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Featured photo credit: Leah Kelley from Pexels