finding-your-strength

Finding Your Strength

It’s time to ask for help. How do you do it? How do you find your strength to put yourself in the vulnerable position of asking others to help you? For some of us, when we reach a point of needing help, it feels like rock bottom. Like we’ve exhausted all of our options, and so we must look elsewhere to move forward. It can be emotionally draining.

But it isn’t a rock bottom, and we aren’t hopeless if we acknowledge we need help. We aren’t defeated, we are strong, and we will get through it with others.

We must find our strength to ask and to receive help.

Finding Your Strength in Connections

How do you find your strength to ask for help?

Often, we don’t want to acknowledge that we need to ask for help, yet every human needs a hand at some point. When you ask for help, you grow stronger. Your connections deepen, you might now understand a concept better, and you might get that boost you’ve needed to get ahead.

The struggle comes when you reach out and realize the extent of your social connections. Often we give to others, not necessarily expecting reciprocation. Still, when we need help, those same people are unavailable to help. I can’t count how many times I’ve put myself out only to have the friend ghost me when I need them

It’s discouraging and can interfere with asking for help. So, rather than thinking you can do it on your own, continue to reach out. If you get a lackluster response, remember that your friend might legitimately be unable to help you at the moment. If you suspect it’s because they are a taker, then you grow stronger, knowing the nature of your friendship. You can put them down your friendship mountain, and minimize the stress they caused in your life (hopefully guilt-free).

You want to surround yourself with friends and family who want to help make you stronger. Listen to you when you need them, and accept your help when you can give it. Don’t base relationships on reciprocity alone, but you want to know that it’s there when needed.

If you surround yourself with reliable connections, you may never need them for help. Still, it will make asking a little easier. It’s a good thing for your physical and mental health to surround yourself with positive people.

Help Me, Help You

The best way to get help from others is by providing them with efficient tools to help you. Figure out the best ways a person can help before asking. If you have a demonstrative and sensitive friend, they might be the best person to turn to for a good cry. If you have an emotionally distant friend who copes through humor, go to them when you need cheering up.

Play to your friends’ strengths.

Sometimes we know automatically what our friends can handle. If we are at a loss, ask them how they can help. Sometimes our sensitive friend is better as a chauffeur than a confidant. When you take your friends’ abilities into account when you ask for help, you respect their boundaries. You also minimize rejection or feelings of discomfort because you are sensitive to their strengths.

People want to help each other, but we also want to respect what they are comfortable doing.

Putting it into Perspective

When you find your strength, remember to maintain perspective. It’s hard to step outside of our chronic illness to recognize that someone else might be going through an equally tough time. While it may not be your responsibility to take care of someone else, you do want to be sensitive to what’s going on in their lives.

If I know a friend is going through a rough period and I am in need of some help, I will either turn to someone else or find a way to make the least amount of fuss. Often, I will make jokes about my own life to cheer them up, and in doing so, it helps me feel better. The help I need most often is a connection, and a friend can help me without even realizing it.

A friend may not tell me when they are going through a rough patch, so when they reject helping me, I try to remember my own experiences. I’ve had people need me while I’m coping with a minor exacerbation, and I’ve had to say “no,” to help them. I feel bad about rejecting them because I often feel like I could have helped anyway. But the point of saying “no,” was for self-care reasons. The same could be for a friend: they may be saying “no,” for their health. It is essential to respect that.

Remember that everyone is going through their mess of stuff, so when people behave a particular way, it has nothing to do with you. Take connections at face-value and don’t read into their reasonings, unless you know what’s going on for sure. You grow your strength from being resilient when friends can help you and the times they can’t.

We are all going through this journey together, so look to each other as opportunities to grow and mature by helping each other. You never know who might need that strength you model by asking for help.


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Featured photo credit: Canva

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Book Review: Waiting: A Non-Believer’s Higher Power

I’ve never been Marya Hornbacher’s target audience. I’ve never had an eating disorder, never diagnosed as bipolar, and I’ve never had to work to overcome a substance addiction. The closest I can come to her experience is getting diagnosed with OCD and learning to come to grips with my addiction to anger.

Twice in my life, I’ve found myself reading her books.

I first read Wasted back in the early-2000’s, possibly while still in high school. I went through a morbid stage, where I read a lot of real-life stories of those battling eating disorders. Her book was one of many, and I remember enjoying her writing style.

When I started searching for books to read for this month, books relating to a higher power, I wanted to go a non-traditional route. I tried to find a book told from a nonbeliever’s perspective. But not your typical atheist text, one filled with anger towards a particular higher power. I wanted one that examined if you could be spiritual without a higher power.

Marya’s book, Waiting, came back as a top result, and since I recognized her from Wasted, I decided to give it a go. I did not read a summary, nor did I research beyond the title, subtitle, and author. I placed it on hold from my local library and waited. It was a shock when I started reading it and realized I was not the target audience, again. Marya’s book is for people in the process of recovery who do not believe in a higher power*. But given how some popular recovery program’s require a higher power to work through the steps, there can be anxiety surrounding a lack of belief. Marya’s book fills that gap and provides comfort and assurance that a person can complete a program without belief.

Granted, it was my fault for not researching the book. I judged a book solely by its cover and as a result, found that it might not be for me.

But the book was for me. I may not be in recovery for substance abuse, I am in recovery for some equally destructive behaviors. Marya had plenty to say that applied in my own life, primarily as I work through the process of self-acceptance, and stepping outside of my addiction to anger.

So it ended up being a beautiful accident to read Waiting for this month’s book review. 

What follows is my review of a book I chose on my own. I did not receive any compensation for this review.

Book Information

Title: Waiting: A Nonbeliever’s Higher Power
Author: Marya Hornbacher
Date Published: 2011
Publisher: Hazeldon
Pages: 137
Genre: Spirituality/Recovery

Goodreads Link
Amazon Link (non-affiliate)
Official Book Website (non-affiliate)


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Self-Compassion and Starting a Personal Growth Journey

A journey begins with a single step, so the first step is making small, manageable life changes. But all journeys have obstacles, especially at the beginning. This is why self-compassion and a personal growth journey work so well together. Self-compassion will help you manage those obstacles and keep you moving forward.

If you made New Year’s Resolutions it’s around this time you might start to feel the pinch and frustration of those resolutions. I wanted to provide some tips and encouragement to help keep you moving along.

At the Start of Your Journey

It’s important to view yourself at the start of every personal growth journey as inexperienced. This may be your second time wanting to get a better job, or dealing with toxic coworkers in a healthy way or even starting that hobby you’ve been too afraid to try. Regardless of what your goal is, it is important to remember that you are brand new to it, regardless of previous experience.

Remember, like your illness, these sorts of journeys vary from person-to-person. If it was easy for you to make these sorts of changes you would just do it without thinking. So while the same goal for someone else can happen for them without thinking, that goal may feel insurmountable to you; likewise, the same person may feel your mundane, no-big-deal task is too much to handle.

By viewing it as though it’s your first time down this road you won’t bring previous baggage with you. Previously, you applied to get that better job before but found that the market stymied your efforts. Instead of letting that discouragement inform your decision whether or not to apply to the job, leave that experience at the door and view yourself as taking this journey for the first time.

If you’ve ever done something competitive: sports or academics, try to remember how it was for you at the very beginning. Hard, right? I remember when I started running many years back how I could barely sustain a run for more than a minute. It was frustrating. But it took practice to build up and improve.

Every journey is always felt harder at the beginning.

Once you get past the hurdles and look back you may find yourself wondering why you thought it was hard. When I look back at where I was years ago, even as recently as last year when I restarted running, I am surprised at how far I’ve come along. Running a minute is no big deal for me now.

Doubt as an Obstacle

I think doubt tends to be our biggest obstacle at the start of the journey. Have you ever hiked a mountain, gotten to the base of the mountain had one of the two experiences: looking up and seeing how high the mountain is and how far you have to go; or not even seeing the mountain because you are far enough away from it that you can’t see your end goal?

Personal growth journeys function in the same way. Either you see how steep and how far away your goal is, or you are so far away that you can’t even begin to see the end of your journey.

It’s at these points that doubt can settle in and everything feels extremely overwhelming. Can I even make these changes? Will I even accomplish my goals? What happens if I fail? Why do I even think I can do this?

Doubt can stop any forward momentum. But what if you use self-compassion and turn that doubt into a motivator instead?

Doubt as a Motivator

I found that using doubt as a motivator helped me so much. When I started this journey to wellness over a year and a half ago, I thought to myself that this was going to be like every other writing-based endeavor I do. I will write my thoughts for a few months, get everything out and then go back to my life.

I found around November 2017 that my interest and motivation lagging in my blog. I only made three posts in total, which was a drastic drop from my normal three posts per week schedule. I started doubting my abilities after only blogging for a month and a half and resigned myself to another personal failure.

Mid-November 2017, I interacted with a person I’ve had a conflict with in the past. After this interaction, I had a lot of complicated feelings that left me frustrated, but in the more positive moments, I actually listened to what was said and more importantly what wasn’t said.

I saw that this person had a lot of self-doubts which drove our complicated interactions. These self-doubts were also preventing them from following their own dreams, dreams that overlapped my own. Unfortunately, their self-doubt and self-sabotage prevented them from pursuing their dreams beyond a certain point.

I saw this as a motivation to move forward.

I recognized the same obstacles in front of myself and was allowing them to block me too. December 2017 rolled around and I felt renewed because I didn’t let the doubt discourage me anymore. I wanted to use it to motivate me to continue forward and succeed.

I doubted I could maintain the blog and so I used that doubt to challenge myself to continue.

Doubt, when put into proper perspective, can be a great motivator.

Self-Compassion and Personal Growth

By using self-compassion, you’ll find success in your personal growth journey.

When those moments of doubt or any negative thoughts and emotions creep into your life: why am I struggling? Why is it so hard this time? I failed last time, I am going to fail this time… remember that this is a fresh journey for yourself.

Some things to help you with self-compassion:

  • Remembering the freshness of the journey, refocusing your thoughts that this is your first time through this journey and therefore wiping previous experiences away so they don’t color your memory, is an act of self-compassion.
  • Actively say to yourself that you are new to this, therefore must take it easy on yourself. If you accept that you are new to this personal growth journey, you will treat yourself as though you aren’t expected to be perfect.
  • Don’t expect to be perfect on this journey. When you are looking to only succeed and don’t embrace the possibility of failure, i.e. don’t get the first job you apply to, you will focus solely on that failure. Rather, look at the mini-failures as learning opportunities so you can know what to change for next time.
  • Turn perceived obstacles into motivators. I focused on doubt with this post, but there may be another personal obstacle that gets in your way: fear, self-sabotage, or comparison to others. Instead of focusing these on negative points that can help stop your efforts, focus on them as ways to push you forward. Afraid of failure? Push through that to prove to yourself that you won’t fail. Afraid of success? Break it down to small tasks so each small success will prepare you for a larger one.
  • Be gentle and acknowledge that you deserve to achieve this goal. If you want to be a less angry person, or able to ignore toxic people around you in the workplace, remind yourself that you deserve to achieve your goal. Anger can prevent you from growing and receiving new opportunities; toxic people can prevent you from feeling like you are able to go out for better opportunities. There is no reason why you cannot allow yourself to have positive things happen in your life, especially if its a goal you’ve created for yourself.

With a chronic illness, as I’ve said before, these sorts of journeys have a little extra challenge. On Wednesday, I will be discussing how to manage self-compassion while coping with a chronic illness.

Have a personal growth goal for your life? Why not start now with your goals, it doesn’t have to be January 1st. Join my newsletter for weekly posts about how to slowly achieve your long-term personal goals.


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Featured photo credit: Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash


chronic-illness-and-self-care

…Before Loving Anyone Else

On Monday, I discussed the importance of self-soothing as a means of disease management. Chronic illness and self-care go hand-in-hand, but sometimes we are asked to care for others when needing to care for ourselves.

As a mother, I have to put my needs aside for Jai, but sometimes that’s impossible to do. If I don’t take care of my own needs, I won’t be able to take care of Jai’s. Which is why granting ourselves permission to be selfish is a good thing.

Self-Care Goes Beyond Self

As counter-intuitive as it may seem, caring for ourselves first is the best way to care for others. If I am emotionally incapable of taking care of Jai’s needs because I am so worn out from dealing with other issues, I won’t be able to provide the care that he needs. Rather, if I acknowledge that I need to take a few moments for myself, even if Jai is running around and super active, then I should do so.

If you want to be an effective partner, parent, or friend – take care of yourself first before taking care of others. It’s hard to accept or even want to do because being “selfish” gets a bad reputation. When we say “I must put myself first,” we are being selfish, but selfishness can be a good thing. Especially when we are dealing with others.

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2018: A Reflection

Reflecting on 2018, it was another decent year for me. It had relatively few downs and quite a few ups. I learned even more about myself, some of the stuff I already figured and other things that surprised me.

In what is becoming a tradition for the blog, I’ve decided to reflect upon the bigger lessons and victories I learned throughout the year and some personal goals I have for 2019.

The Down Points

  • I did a lot of emotional heavy lifting this year. I realized I had several friendships that left a negative impact on me. I documented what I learned about this in my two posts about toxic friends (Part 1 & Part 2) and what I learned about my role in these relationships.
  • My limitations were made obvious at several points throughout the year. This ranged from temporal limitations, i.e. not having enough time in the day to accomplish everything I wanted; to fatigue still being a major roadblock on a day-to-day basis.
  • I did have a few mild flare-ups this year, but nothing major or of huge concern. I found a spot in my vision that was more of an annoyance than anything else, though it went away rather quickly as soon as I de-stressed. A few moments of numbness, and my L’Hermittes Sign making an appearance when I was particularly stressed and sleep-deprived. I did experience a new symptom: MS Hug and that wasn’t very loving at all.
  • I wasn’t as strict with maintaining a healthy diet throughout the entire year and have gone back to some very bad eating habits for the holidays. My mindset shifted half-way through the year of how I viewed myself (more on that below), but my eating habits haven’t followed.

The Positive Points

  • In reflecting on the negative impact of toxic friendships, it hurt to lose what I deemed to be decent friends, but I found that by no longer allowing the negativity I had less stress overall. It was particularly freeing to start recognizing that I could choose to be with those who treat me well, rather than settling to be around those who didn’t.
  • 2018 was a less stressful year for me overall. That isn’t to say there wasn’t stress in my life or stressful periods (many of my own making), but I found that I handled stress so much better this year than I have in the past which has led me to feel more content with myself.
  • I officially spent the entire year in a healthy weight range which was a first in a long time. In fact, I don’t remember when was the last time I spent such a long period of time in a healthy BMI. Besides feeling good emotionally, I feel fantastic physically with more energy to keep up with Jai.
  • Ash and I were talking a while back and he made a great point about who I am now physically speaking. I am a runner and an athlete, something I never thought I would even consider myself, especially growing up with asthma. I completed 2 half marathons this year, PR’d in several of my races and have a full year of running planned in 2019. That said, my eating habits haven’t necessarily matched the runner’s lifestyle, but I have a plan on handling that this coming year
  • On paper, I always viewed my MS as an opportunity to refocus my priorities and to a certain extent I did. But this year I really committed to turning my diagnosis into something positive thing. I finally made the “someday” changes I’ve wanted to make for a decade or so.

MS Mommy Blog

The blog still is such a positive influence in my life and I’ve learned a few things about myself because of it. Without the ability to truly reflect on my relationships and MS, I probably would still be stuck in an emotional rut. But because I decided that I needed to write about my MS story and how I was coping with some heavy emotional concerns, I did a deeper self-reflection that I think made a lasting impact on my overall attitude.

I found that while it was nice to share some of my parenting thoughts and experiences, the blog really needs to refocus itself on healthy living and living with a Chronic Illness. I wanted that to be the main focus of the blog when I started it, but I got off track in 2018. I have begun the process revamping the blog with that in mind, and all will be revealed in the new year.

What I’ve Learned in 2018

To truly let things go, not just say that I am letting it go.

When I let things go, it makes for less stress in the long-term. I also recognized there is a lot of negativity in the world and my contributing to it by being negative back or dwelling too much on the negative wasn’t helping anyone, nor providing a positive example for Jai.

I have learned that the best way to be stress-free is to plan ahead in many aspects of my life. Not regimented with no flexibility, but being more prepared, writing things down either in a list or as a plan, and therefore minimizing stress. When I have a list or plan of action for the day, I find I am more efficient which makes me happy because I dislike feeling unproductive.

It sounds cliche, but I finally understand – or rediscovered – what they mean when “you can do anything if you put your mind to it.” It takes a lot of work, but I am finally seeing the personal reward for the running, blogging, and self-reflection. I’m finding it’s feeding into itself and I want to keep doing more.

Making 2019 My Year

For 2019, this is where I want to be:

  • Accept that I am an athlete now and that I should really commit to an athlete’s lifestyle. This includes eating habits, training, and making decisions that will help me reach my personal running goals.
  • Additionally, I want to continue to be meeting and exceeding my personal records in running. I don’t think I will ever place in any races, but I will push myself to get times I never thought I would imagine for myself. Several years ago I couldn’t imagine sustaining a 10-minute mile. I ran that for Thanksgiving. How fast will I be this time next year?
  • Continuing to embrace a calm, positive, and stress-free living. Learning to not feel guilty when I decide that this mindset is more important to my overall health than giving into previous behaviors.
  • Having a more “ant” attitude in life. Remember Aesop’s fable about the Ant and the Grasshopper? I have become more ant-like as a means of managing my life, blog, and parenting, which is to say that I plan & prep ahead of time in order to make more time for Jai throughout the day. I will be more focused on getting ahead as a form of disease-management.
  • Becoming the person I saw myself being when I reflected on my life-goals at 15. I will be elaborating more on what this means over the upcoming weeks, but I want to be what 15-year-old me wanted me to be at 35.

2019 As a Teaching Opportunity

Last year I gave 2018 the motto keep letting it go, no distractions, and push forward.” I found that I stuck by this motto pretty closely and it helped keep me moving forward emotionally, mentally, and physically. I want to keep this motto in the back of my mind and add a new one:

“I am the only person who can make the changes that matter in my life. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, if I work hard enough, I will see a positive outcome in all the work I do.”

I am going to embrace all that 2019 has to offer, for good and for bad and see where the coming year takes me.


Want to join me in a successful 2019?

Before you go, please sign-up for the new MS Mommy Blog newsletter. It will be sent out once a week on Fridays in lieu of my normal Friday posts (no spam or excess emails, I promise!). In the newsletter, you’ll find the 2019 Wellness Challenge, tips, articles, and freebies exclusively for newsletter subscribers.

This challenge will be specifically geared towards people with a chronic illness (not just MS), though people who do not have a chronic illness are welcome and encouraged to join us this year.

This challenge is based on making gentle and gradual changes both superficially and on a deeper level. No judgments will be made and this challenge will be tailored to you and your needs. At MS Mommy Blog, we’re about being supportive and loving to ourselves and others.


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