Self-reflection is worthless if you can’t be honest with your self. Speaking from personal experience, both through observing others and myself, humans are good at over-inflating their sense of importance and perception, and that rarely matches with reality. Add in chronic illness and it widens the gap between perception and reality: it’s easy to not be honest with yourself and how your chronic illness impacts your life. This gap can prevent you from making important life changes.
There are two ways it will go if you aren’t honest with yourself: one, you set your sights on something without considering your illness and your symptoms will prevent you from achieving that goal; and two, you don’t think you can do something because of your illness and it stops you from trying.
Growing up I had a family member who leaned into their illnesses (some real, many manufactured) to keep themselves from ever achieving their goals. They would get so close and then self-sabotage. Often the excuse was, “I can’t do x because my illness is preventing me from doing so.” Yet, they would be outside pulling weeds for hours at a time with no physical complaints.
They may have been honest with themselves about what they were capable of and weren’t honest with us. That’s a separate issue altogether.
I sincerely believe this family member, if they weren’t honest with themselves, would have taken over a chunk New England with their business. They had so much ambition, energy, and drive that they were the only one preventing themselves from seeing personal success.
It’s important to sit down and be honest with what your abilities are, what they really are, to see what you can do. If you aren’t honest, you will only find yourself discouraged and get in the way of your own success.
Start with Honesty
In the late ’70s/early ’80s, singer Charlene sang about a woman lamenting about the decisions she made in her life. After experiencing life in ways we only dream of, the “speaker” realizes too late that she never experienced the life she truly wanted. “I’ve Never Been to Me,” is one of those sappy songs from a different era (and is rather problematic for a modern audience), but I think the message stands. It’s wonderful to have a “perfect” life on the outside but if you aren’t honest with what you want, you will never find meaningful success.
Admittedly, it’s one of those easy-listening ballads that is very much an emotional guilty pleasure.
We can fantasize about the perfect life because it’s what we think we want, but it may not be what we need. There are things that we think we want in our life, things we think will make us happy – they will be our paradise, and perhaps if we get them, we will be satisfied.
And for a lucky few, that may bring about satisfaction. Winning the lottery may solve our money problems, but there usually is a whole host of other issues that pop up we don’t think about that spoils our happiness. What if our paradise is something more ordinary that we aren’t willing to admit to ourselves? That’s where you have to get to a place of personal honesty with yourself.
The Problematic Lie
Have you ever tried to lose weight through counting calories?
How successful were you? If you found success immediately, you may not be able to identify with what I am about to tell you. If you weren’t successful, you already know where this is going.
Even to this day, I struggle to lose weight via rigorous calorie counting. The idea is this: I am given a set amount of calories I can consume in a day. That number can go up if I exercise or stay the same if I do not. This set of calories will be just enough to keep my body sustained and healthy but allow it to lose weight over a specific period of time.
Well, if you are like me, no. It isn’t simple and this is why: I lie. I lie to my calorie counting apps and more importantly, I lie to myself.
I will fudge the numbers a bit. I may count one less strawberry or inaccurate “estimate” my food amounts. I may overestimate the exact amount of exercise I do. And what happens when I do this? I don’t lose weight.
Why? Because I am lying to myself about what I am doing. Sometimes it’s intentional and other times it was to justify that extra late night sweet. But when I actually became honest with myself and what I was doing, I found I lost the weight.
This is just a lengthy way of saying, if you are lying to yourself about what you can and can’t do, i.e. I can’t do something because of x, then you are only hurting yourself. Or if you think you can do something, but you haven’t really self-assessed, you’ll only get frustrated.
Lying to yourself is problematic and will lead to you not finding success in what you want to do for personal wellness.
Being Honest with Yourself and Your Chronic Illness
The short answer to this post is: be honest with yourself. Be frank with your chronic illness. Be straightforward with your abilities. And finally, be realistic with your personal goals.
Yes, your illness may have taken away your mobility. You may not be spry like you once were. But has it completely prevented you from trying something new? Have you had to learn how to adjust to manage the illness? So why not adjust to try some dream of yours.
I’ve said this at least one other time on the blog: I wanted to be a writer since I was a child. I wanted to write fiction novels like Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables, so when Ash pointed out that I was writing for a living I didn’t believe him. I assumed my MS would prevent me from putting a cohesive novel together, but he was right. I’ve achieved my childhood dream, it just did not take the form I expected.
Who is to say that I don’t eventually write a fiction novel of sorts?
The point is, my MS did not prevent me from achieving my dreams. I had to be honest with what I was able to do and what I did to find success in some capacity.
If you’ve been easily discouraged in your goals or found that you never complete your resolutions, consider taking a few moments to ask yourself: have I been honest with myself and my abilities? Have the goals I created unreasonable for me to attain at this point (if ever)? Have I used my illness as an excuse to prevent me from making some type of change? Why is that?
Just take a few moments to sit down and see what answers you come up with, then loop back around to my self-reflection posts from last week. See what answers you come up with and where they might take you.
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Featured photo credit: Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash