i-want-to-make-personal-changes

I Want to Make Personal Changes

We all reach a moment where we say “I want to make personal changes.”

That moment comes when we are unhappy with our lives, or our relationships, or how we manage our chronic illness. When we say “enough,” we self-reflect. But when we self-reflect, we realize that there’s a lot of changes that need to happen to become our ideal self. And that’s where the desire for personal change can stop.

We should acknowledge that we don’t like making these changes, but that they still need to happen.

I Don’t Like This

Humans are complicated creatures, so there isn’t one source for what frustrates us. While I can point to specific influences in my life as the reason why I think a particular way, there is a lot more going on in the background. Many times, I am unaware of these background influences. I just know that I think I am inadequate.

Rationally, I know these thoughts are false. But these thoughts and actions have a hold of me and make it difficult to see past my flaws.

I am lucky that I can point to some situations in my past as the source of what I need to change. That isn’t always the case. There are reactions I have, and I don’t know where they come from. In these situations, it makes it more difficult to want to make the necessary changes.

Knowing the source of my anger makes it easier to acknowledge it and be mindful of it. I may not always successfully deal with it, or even attempt to deal with it, but I am more likely to try and do something when I am able to say “oh, that reaction stems from when the kids in the neighborhood wouldn’t play with me.”

In cases where I don’t know the source of my behaviors, I am more likely to be resistant to making positive changes. It’s stepping into an unknown, and I don’t like that. I don’t have control over what’s happening or what I am thinking. But I know I have to make a change because continuing behaviors that are unhealthy aren’t helping me manage my parenting or my MS.

Hopefully, this resonates with you. You may feel similar: I don’t know why I behave this way, and I don’t want to take steps to change because the idea is discouraging. Know that you are not alone, especially in your chronic illness, and you can make those changes because I know you can. You want to achieve your goals and the only way to do that is to make changes to the unknown and what you don’t like.

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Being Honest with Yourself and Your Chronic Illness

Self-reflection is worthless if you can’t be honest with your self. Speaking from personal experience, both through observing others and myself, humans are good at over-inflating their sense of importance and perception, and that rarely matches with reality. Add in chronic illness and it widens the gap between perception and reality: it’s easy to not be honest with yourself and how your chronic illness impacts your life. This gap can prevent you from making important life changes.

How so?

There are two ways it will go if you aren’t honest with yourself: one, you set your sights on something without considering your illness and your symptoms will prevent you from achieving that goal; and two, you don’t think you can do something because of your illness and it stops you from trying.

Growing up I had a family member who leaned into their illnesses (some real, many manufactured) to keep themselves from ever achieving their goals. They would get so close and then self-sabotage. Often the excuse was, “I can’t do x because my illness is preventing me from doing so.” Yet, they would be outside pulling weeds for hours at a time with no physical complaints.

They may have been honest with themselves about what they were capable of and weren’t honest with us. That’s a separate issue altogether.

I sincerely believe this family member, if they weren’t honest with themselves, would have taken over a chunk New England with their business. They had so much ambition, energy, and drive that they were the only one preventing themselves from seeing personal success.

It’s important to sit down and be honest with what your abilities are, what they really are, to see what you can do. If you aren’t honest, you will only find yourself discouraged and get in the way of your own success.

Start with Honesty

In the late ’70s/early ’80s, singer Charlene sang about a woman lamenting about the decisions she made in her life. After experiencing life in ways we only dream of, the “speaker” realizes too late that she never experienced the life she truly wanted. “I’ve Never Been to Me,” is one of those sappy songs from a different era (and is rather problematic for a modern audience), but I think the message stands. It’s wonderful to have a “perfect” life on the outside but if you aren’t honest with what you want, you will never find meaningful success.

Admittedly, it’s one of those easy-listening ballads that is very much an emotional guilty pleasure.

We can fantasize about the perfect life because it’s what we think we want, but it may not be what we need. There are things that we think we want in our life, things we think will make us happy – they will be our paradise, and perhaps if we get them, we will be satisfied.

And for a lucky few, that may bring about satisfaction. Winning the lottery may solve our money problems, but there usually is a whole host of other issues that pop up we don’t think about that spoils our happiness. What if our paradise is something more ordinary that we aren’t willing to admit to ourselves? That’s where you have to get to a place of personal honesty with yourself.

The Problematic Lie

Have you ever tried to lose weight through counting calories?

How successful were you? If you found success immediately, you may not be able to identify with what I am about to tell you. If you weren’t successful, you already know where this is going.

Even to this day, I struggle to lose weight via rigorous calorie counting. The idea is this: I am given a set amount of calories I can consume in a day. That number can go up if I exercise or stay the same if I do not. This set of calories will be just enough to keep my body sustained and healthy but allow it to lose weight over a specific period of time.

Simple, right?

Well, if you are like me, no. It isn’t simple and this is why: I lie. I lie to my calorie counting apps and more importantly, I lie to myself.

I will fudge the numbers a bit. I may count one less strawberry or inaccurate “estimate” my food amounts. I may overestimate the exact amount of exercise I do. And what happens when I do this? I don’t lose weight.

Why? Because I am lying to myself about what I am doing. Sometimes it’s intentional and other times it was to justify that extra late night sweet. But when I actually became honest with myself and what I was doing, I found I lost the weight.

This is just a lengthy way of saying, if you are lying to yourself about what you can and can’t do, i.e. I can’t do something because of x, then you are only hurting yourself. Or if you think you can do something, but you haven’t really self-assessed, you’ll only get frustrated.

Lying to yourself is problematic and will lead to you not finding success in what you want to do for personal wellness.

Being Honest with Yourself and Your Chronic Illness

The short answer to this post is: be honest with yourself. Be frank with your chronic illness. Be straightforward with your abilities. And finally, be realistic with your personal goals.

Yes, your illness may have taken away your mobility. You may not be spry like you once were. But has it completely prevented you from trying something new? Have you had to learn how to adjust to manage the illness? So why not adjust to try some dream of yours.

I’ve said this at least one other time on the blog: I wanted to be a writer since I was a child. I wanted to write fiction novels like Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables, so when Ash pointed out that I was writing for a living I didn’t believe him. I assumed my MS would prevent me from putting a cohesive novel together, but he was right. I’ve achieved my childhood dream, it just did not take the form I expected.

Who is to say that I don’t eventually write a fiction novel of sorts?

The point is, my MS did not prevent me from achieving my dreams. I had to be honest with what I was able to do and what I did to find success in some capacity.

If you’ve been easily discouraged in your goals or found that you never complete your resolutions, consider taking a few moments to ask yourself: have I been honest with myself and my abilities? Have the goals I created unreasonable for me to attain at this point (if ever)? Have I used my illness as an excuse to prevent me from making some type of change? Why is that?

Just take a few moments to sit down and see what answers you come up with, then loop back around to my self-reflection posts from last week. See what answers you come up with and where they might take you.


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Featured photo credit: Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash


Illness as a Positive

For the month of November, I am taking each day to highlight some element in my life that I want to express my gratitude about. This could be something deeply personal or just a passing appreciation for something more superficial. 


Having a chronic illness is no fun.

I know that’s a bit of a shocker for anyone reading this, especially if you have a chronic illness/disability. That said, having a chronic illness did bring about a positive change in my life: I think it forced me to rethink my life and my health and make important changes.

I am not about to turn this post into inspiration porn (don’t worry, that link is safe for work), but I do want to express gratitude for the wake-up call my MS gave me. I call it my “rock bottom” because it forced me to make some decisions about the direction I wanted to take physically, mentally, and emotionally. I do, however, wish it hadn’t taken a chronic illness diagnosis to make these changes

I would be more than happy to give back my illness and keep all the healthy changes if given a chance. 

Prior to the Diagnosis

To understand why I am grateful for my current health, it’s best to compare it to where I was physically prior to my diagnosis.

I’ve hinted at my state in previous posts throughout the blog, but I never fully discussed my mental and physical state. Partially because it was never necessary to the post, but mostly because I was ashamed of where I was at in life.

I was delusional about my physical health. It’s easy to see that on the other side, but living in the middle of it I thought I was healthy. I would eat vegan, run, do yoga, try to meditate when the time would allow, but essentially go through the motions of what I thought was healthy living.

And then I would wonder why I wasn’t losing weight. I justified it by saying this to myself repeatedly:

Ah, that’s just muscle being put on. Muscle weighs more than fat.

I am just stressed out right now, so once I get beyond this period, I will be fine. I need to eat like this because it’s how I am coping with my stress.

Apparently, my 5’3″ body is meant to be 160 pounds. Since I can’t lose the weight, that must be my natural set point.

I also didn’t feel better, I was just grumpier for waking up earlier and sweating a bunch with little to no payoff.

Let me be clear and say that weight is not the absolute indicator of health: athletes can be considered overweight and be at peak physical fitness. A person can be a normal weight and be coping with an illness of sorts. Weight can be a symptom of a bigger problem and it can also cause other issues, but looking at weight for whether a person is healthy or not shouldn’t be the only factor. It is just one of the factors.

Through most of my adult life, I was carrying around an additional 20-30 pounds. This extra weight played a negative role in my overall activity level, my mood, my energy levels, and my depression. I firmly believe that these factors exacerbated my MS symptoms. There were days where I would come home after teaching and fall asleep for hours until Ash got home, wherein he’d have to make or order us dinner.

It was always a slog to get any important work done for school and professionally speaking.

Prior to my diagnosis, I had very little motivation to make any positive changes in my life. I would do it in spurts, but those would fade out when I didn’t see immediate results. I had nothing truly motivating me beyond “this is what our culture tells me to do.” It wasn’t enough and therefore I couldn’t stay motivated to continue.

I figured I could never get into peak physical and emotional condition because I just couldn’t. No other reason other than that: I just was not able to be healthy.

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Have a Healthy Summer

For most of my adulthood at the beginning of each year, I fell into the mental trap of “getting healthy and in shape for the summer.” I wanted to have that perfect beach body, even if we never made it to the beach, and feel comfortable wearing cute summer outfits.

I never succeeded.

Life would get in the way, I would get distracted or frustrated with my diet and exercise and so I would enter summer either at the same weight I was at the beginning of the year or a little bit heavier.

Since I made significant lifestyle changes and stuck with them, I have found that I am finally entering the summer the way I always wanted to: beach ready and several cute outfits.

Still no available beach and rarely do I get out of my “mom uniform” because cute outfits and a toddler do not mix.

But I am experiencing something I’ve never before: staying fitness-minded and motivated in the heat. As I discussed on Monday, having MS and living in a hot and humid climate is not a good combination. I am finding that my motivation and my ability to stay fitness-focused is waning more than it did in the cold winter months.

What do I do? Well, I have to make some adjustments to accommodate this unforeseen speed bump.

Healthy Choices

The main thing I’ve learned is that my choices had to change in the summer months. This can range from the food I eat to the time of day I exercise to the intensity of the exercise I commit myself to complete.

If there is a day where I know I won’t be able to exercise for a while due to the heat, I have to adjust my eating to reflect that. Rather than eating heavier or caloric-dense meals, I adjust to more frequent and lighter meals throughout the day.

If we expect a high heat day or extreme humidity, then I will make sure to get out earlier in the morning to avoid dealing with either. 6:30am is usually a great time to get out, beat the heat and the traffic, and be home in time to say “good-bye” to Ash before he heads to work.

If it’s too hot or humid out to exercise, then I move any sort of workout indoors with the A/C blasting or a fan on me if I need to do something with intensity. I also need to make sure that keep drinking water throughout the day.

The hardest choice to adjust is the first one: I love to eat. So if I am having a craving for something particularly heavy, potatoes of some sort, I want to indulge it. I try to find ways to compromise or satisfy the craving with something else. Popcorn works best, but a cool piece of fruit will do in a pinch.

Remembering to drink enough water can also be a problem for me – so by carrying around a water bottle or cup can help remind me to stay hydrated. I need to keep drinking water if I am going to keep exercising throughout the hotter months.

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Recovering with Nature

When I began my health journey nearly a year ago, I wasn’t sure what direction I would take. Honestly, I thought I would give up, go back to my old habits, and be on MS medication by now.

In the back of my mind, I had very few pleasures: eating sugar, fried foods, and not exercising.  These were things I did to self-sooth and help me cope with stress and my diagnosis.

It was my pattern. To try something new, get discouraged, and then give up on it.

This particular venture worked out differently. I think because I am blogging it allows for a level of accountability, perhaps if I didn’t maintain this blog I would have given up sooner. Back in November, I went through a period where I didn’t post as often as I wanted. It may have been discouragement (“is this something really worth doing? I am putting a lot of time into something with little to no feedback”), but I think I was also just busy with life and not sure if I wanted to continue regardless.

Somehow I stuck through it and I’ve continued to notice positive changes. I’ve lost weight, I feel happier, I feel more balanced, and I think I’ve fully accepted my diagnosis. I was on the path of acceptance several years ago, but I really embodied the “things I cannot change” attitude since August.

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